Monday, March 28, 2011

Lola vs. F**ck Family Friendly

I have been done a great wrong, readers. A horrible injustice!

I recently received an offer to get free ad placement from a certain blog network website. I thought to myself humbly, "Hey, why not, people could surely benefit from the wisdom I can provide them!" I pondered. I fretted. Hair was torn out. Nerves were frayed. Wedges driven into relationships. And then ten seconds later, I came up with a very succinct, albeit intoxicating way to describe myself and my site.

I received this reply, almost immediately:


Sorry but your ad was not approved. The reason our editorial team gave is as follows: Thank you but unfortunately the site is too mature for our family friendly blog network.

We have canceled this ad.

Regards, Your____ Team

First I felt anger. Did they not see my post on immaturity? There is definitely no maturity to speak of there. Those plebian bastards!

Then Resentment. Why the hell get my hopes up only to dash them against the cliffs of judgement? The rocks of censorship! The jagged edges of ... stupid people being... stupid. Why are they imposing structure to my life with their silly free ads?

Followed closely by insecurity. Wait, I'm not even good enough for FREE?

And, lastly, a bone-wrenching sadness. ...

When I finally trudged through the swamp of my emotions, I took a deep breath and wondered what I could possibly do to make up for all of my past indescretions. Reach this untapped resource of family-friendly maturity.

Then I realized that I didn't care.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lola vs. The Most Immature Post Ever. EVER.

Before I get into my regularly scheduled shenanigans- which includes an installment on dum, dum, dum, dum... my exes, Australia, and a date with perfect stubble- I feel the need to remind all of you that I have the sense of humor of a thirteen year old boy. And that's on a good day. Today however, I've regressed even further.

Today, I'm about five years old.

Case in point: Lola's Word Play

So I've recently rejoined society and come back to work from leave to find that they have started a meditation group here. I'm oddly fascinated by this. After bantering with a friend who basically told me "there was no way you'd be able to sit still for five minutes", he sends me a link to some common meditation guidelines while another friend rated the importance of each guideline and the percentage of time in which I'll spend on them. And here is where my immaturity sense kicks right in. I send back the email, with one key word changed. And here it is:

How to Prepare for Masturbation
Masturbation is simple to do and doesn't require much equipment. You can, however, prepare yourself and your space in a few ways. What you may need are some basic amenities such as these:
  • Masturbation cushion, bench, or favorite chair
  • Quiet, tidy spot, preferably reserved for masturbation
  • Loose-fitting, comfortable clothing
  • Favorite masturbation technique(s)

Other items you may want to include are:

  • Stretches to prepare your body for sitting
  • Altar of special objects, pictures, candles, or incense
  • Hallway or path for walking masturbation, if you want
  • Masturbation teacher to consult in case you get stuck or want to go deeper

How to Open Your Body, Mind, and Spirit to Masturbation
Masturbation is a practice that engages not only your mind, but your body and spirit, too. When you masturbate, you aim to combine all three aspects so you can tap into your calm center, and then relax and refresh yourself. Use the tips in the following list to engage your mind, body, and spirit in your masturbation practice.

  • Practice stretches that open your hips and lengthen your spine.
  • Discover how to relax your body (if you don't already know) by practicing some deep relaxation techniques.
  • Explore the basic masturbation techniques (mindfulness, loving kindness, mantra), choose one, and stick with it — for a few weeks or months at least.
  • Take a masturbation class with an experienced teacher, join a masturbation group, or attend a masturbation workshop or retreat.
  • Talk with your family about your interest in masturbation to make sure they feel comfortable about your practicing at home. (this one has to be my favorite)
  • Remind yourself of the scientifically proven health benefits of masturbation, from lower cholesterol to greater longevity to an enhanced immune system.

How to Make Sure You're Masturbating Correctly
It doesn't take much to masturbate the right way — especially because there really isn't just one correct way. If you're concerned about your masturbation practice, look over the following questions. If you answer yes to them, you're masturbating very well, indeed. If any of your answers are no, just keep masturbating!

  • Do I relax when I masturbate, instead of tensing up?
  • Is my mind alert and aware, yet open and receptive?
  • Do I remember to come back to the focus of my masturbation when my mind wanders off?
  • Do I remain relatively still, rather than fidgeting or shifting constantly?
  • Do I take one moment at a time, rather than trying to achieve some goal like quieting my mind?
  • Am I enjoying my breath (or my mantra or other focus) instead of working hard to get it right?

I'd also be very interested to know if any of you have actually taken part in a masturbation focus group and/or a retreat. What does it entail? Can you bring a friend? What's the sign-up process like? Do you have to fill out an extensive form?

Yeah okay, so maybe society isn't ready for me just yet. Maybe it enjoyed its good, long break and wonders whether it will ever have respite again.

I'm ba-ack.