Monday, July 12, 2010

Lola vs. Beach Life Lessons & Betrayal

Lola is on vacation this week with the entire Lakely brigade, friends. Doing what? This.

Before I get back to detailing my regularly scheduled chaotic life, I would like to tell you a brief tale of betrayal, kidnapping, and vengeance. A coworker came into my office earlier in the week, desperate for some advice. The subject: Marriage.

"I should really start getting serious about getting a ring, that's what my girlfriend wants, but I really want God of War 3."

My advice?

"Well 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but God of War Three got a 9 out of 10 on Gamespot so that's like a 90% success rate. I'd go with the odds on this one." After a slightly disapproving- yet hopeful- look passed across his face, I shrugged. "What did you think was gonna happen when you come to the girl whose longest and most intimate relationship over the past year has been with Cherry Coke Zero?"

My Cherry Coke Zero was stolen from the office refrigerator a few days later.

First came denial. Then anger. Then the tears. And finally, the dramatic shaking of the fist to the sky, combined with a solemn vow of reciprocity and that speech from Gladiator on YouTube in the background of my office. ("My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next!")

Oh, I will have my revenge. But it will be after my vacation. I'll have had plenty of time to relax and plot. They'll be lulled into a false sense of security due to my absence. And when they least expect it, I'll strike.

Any ideas, fellow bloggers? Surely, no one should get away with this foul deed. Feel free to get down and dirty...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Lola vs. Supermassive Black Hole and a Dash of Mr. O

"When that spark, that fire, erupts between you out of nowhere, it’s incredibly hard to resist. Even when you know it’s probably superficial, or inappropriate or just plain headed for disaster, why would you want to resist?

For me, it’s all about that moment when chemistry just overloads your senses and you are pretty much powerless to stop whatever happens. When just kissing them feels like they are burning inside you and you have no choice but to jump in and be absorbed by them. At that point, you are just a victim to your desires, suffering at the hand of whoever has you in their grip."

Want to find out what I'm talking about? That's just a little slice of my first EVER guest post, over at Mr. O's lovely musical blog. It's different than the normal Lola posts, but still just a bit dirty.

You didn't expect me to behave entirely, now did you?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lola vs. The Wedding Streak

I'm notorious among my friends for having a certain agenda when it comes to weddings. Not know what I'm talking about? You must be new. Or you missed this wedding prostitution post. If you are too lazy to click through to another post -hey I don't blame you- let's just say that I have kind of a streak when it comes to weddings. So I hauled my dented moral compass along to one in Illinois this past weekend.

You know it's a good wedding when you wake up with a bow tie around your neck and a red dragon tattoo on your arm.

Actually the whole trip starting out with a bang. Not literally. Get your mind out of the gutter, readers. Wait, what am I saying? This is Lola. Place your mind firmly back in the gutters from whence you came and stay there. Forever.

I met this seriously cute airforce guy and his buddy on the plane, who had missed their earlier flight, and were now forced to sit in front of me/around me as penance. Somehow within the span of a two hour flight, I managed to wrangle myself a ride to the rental car place, a late lunch date on Sunday before my flight home, and a sight-seeing trip. When I met the groom-to-be for drinks at the hotel and filled him in on my eventful flight, he couldn't stop laughing. "Only you, Lola, would fly to Illinois and have a date lined up before you leave. Oh no, you're going to cause some serious trouble tomorrow, aren't you? Can you at least stay away from my brother?"

Oh ye, of little faith!

Unfortunately, I will not be able to divulge all of the trouble, due to protecting the inocent/guilty/criminally drunk. What I can tell you is that it involved the following:
  • Getting the wedding guests- including the bridal party- to all get fake tattoos from Wal-Mart (me & one of the ushers)
  • Drinking many, many glasses of whiskey and diet coke (me)
  • Spanking people with the table setting, which strangely resembled paddles (this actually wasn't me)
  • A rental car backing into a stop sign (not me!)
  • Losing a rental car (ok, this one was me)
  • Creating a fake wedding guest by the name of Ryan, who apparently is a lot like Chuck Norris, to mess with some annoying people (from another wedding) who crashed our wedding after-party on the hotel patio. We ended up being so convincing at describing Ryan that by the end of the conversation, one of the guys was completely brainwashed into thinking that 1) he had actually met fake Ryan 2) had gotten into an argument with Ryan and 3) that Ryan may just be the most terrifying/coolest man in existence.
  • Acquiring an unidentified bow-tie. Either from one of the groomsmen or one of the adorably young bartenders. (me)

Two quotes that defined the entire Illinois wedding experience:

"If you licked my carpet right now, I bet it would still taste like frosting." - Awesome Girl I met the night before the wedding. I'll let you determine what she was referring to.

"I don't know what this is but I'm going to stick it in my mouth anyway." - I have no recollection saying this at all. None. Or what the hell I was talking about. Stupid whiskey.

Still have no idea whose bow tie it was. Do you think it was a good idea for me to leave it at the front desk of the hotel? I'm sure that made me look stellar.

I bet you're all wondering whether the streak still stands? I will not confirm or deny. But I can tell you that air force guy is no longer seriously cute, due to circumstances he somehow forgot to inform me about. Like being married. And having a son.

#675 on the list of why Lola is still single.

Have a lovely, naughty weekend fellow bloggers.