Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lola vs. The Compliment

Once again, on a Sunday, I find myself on the coma couch, my body battered and my soul just a bit darker, from yet another weekend of drinking, sarcasm, and soulless behaviour. I am also sporting a huge bruise on my left cheek (yeah, not my face) that has left me slightly confused, if not in a little bit of pain.

Ok, so I know how the bruise got there but a girl has to keep some secrets now, doesn't she? ----Insert cheeky grin here.---- Riiight. I wish what had happened was cheeky grin worthy. Sigh.

What was the point of this post again? Oh, right. Compliments. Having an inherently sarcastic nature and hanging out with mostly guys on a frequent basis leads to some of the most interesting (insulting) compliments. Let me give you an idea of what my self esteem contends with during a typical weekend with Lola and her boys.

Lola: It's really good to see you.
J: You know, your name kind of sounds like a dying seagul when said in a certain way. (demonstrating) Loooooooooolaaaaaaaa.
Lola: Well, I was going to tell you that you look like you lost some weight and you look good but I guess your dead seagull compliment makes mine obselete.
J: Looooooooolaaaaaa!

P.F Cheng: Why would Lola have seen the Bang Bus? She's the most (dissolving into fits of hysterical laughter) wholesome (more laughter) out of (more laughter) all of us.
Lola: You couldn't even get to the word most with a straight face.

Charlie: I'm impressed with you.
Lola: (apprehensive) Why?
Charlie: That you haven't become a full blown lesbian yet. (gesturing towards Kane and PF Cheng) You know, considering the fact that you hang out with these two so much.
Lola: Thanks? (pauses) Wait... full blown? Is there such a thing as half blown? Am I a half blown lesbian?

Dennis:(slurring his words) You look like a cupcake.
Lola: (staring) Look?
Dennis: (thinking for a moment) Maybe... (sniffing Lola)
Lola: .....

The last one was a facebook wall post that said simply: "So there was a quote in the show tonight that I think sums you up. 'Don't Analyze Me. It's a deep dark hole and you don't wanna go there.' "

It's a wonder I'm not crying on my coma couch, listening to Celene Dion's All By Myself with a spoonful of chunky monkey in my mouth and chocolate sauce all over my white tank top. Naaaah. I wouldn't be, well, Lola if I was sensitive and shit.

Before I leave all of you, I have to confess something. I have a bit of a crush. Oh, it's been a secret up until now. But I can't hide it any longer. Our Green Day Rockband session Sunday just put me over the edge. So visit Mr. O, will you? And send him some naughty love. Or maybe just some real compliments.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Whoever spanked you isn't doing it properly. It should make your butt red, not bruise it. Lesbians can't be half-blown, they can only be half-eaten.

Trinity said...

I will compliment you by saying you are one of the craziest people I have ever met. In a good way.

Unknown said...

OF COURSE you can be a half blown lesbian...that's what makes our relationship "complicated." Jesus, you'll never learn. I'll have to teach you a lesson when you come visit NEXT MONTH!

Laura said...

@Gorrila Bananas- Half-eaten. Got it.

@Trinity- One of the craziest people- in a good way? I'll take that! Since it's legit the nicest thing on this list.

@uncorked- I was hoping you would confirm this for me. NEXT MONTH! EPIC!

Mr O said...

I was laughing pretty hard at the dying seagull thing.

And Lola being a full blown anything would be great for the world.

I have to come up with a great post for you in return of you publicly declaring your crush for me :)

Laura said...

Lovely Mr. O-

The dying seagull came out of nowhere. Only my friends. It's a wonder I have any self esteem at all.

I'm not sure the world would be able to handle me being full blown at anything.

Awww, you don't have to do anything. ;)

Candice said...

Hey, the cupcake is a good thing. Unless they're referring to shape.

Girl Interrupted said...

Aren't friends great for totally demolishing even a smidgen of ego? It's always such a comfort to me to know that should I ever gain celebrity I will always be kept firmly grounded by my friends telling me I have a hookers hairdo and that it's not the jeans that make my bum look big, it's my fat bum.

Also ... have you seen that show 'Samantha Who?" with Christina Applegate? Her best friend in that always makes me think of you, she's hot and sarcastic, a bit slutty and is a ... er ... alcoholic ... and I just made your list of friends who give you back-handed compliments, didn't I? :/ Seriously though, I think she's rather awesome and is the best character in the show, a bit like yourself x

Mr. Condescending said...

Mr O is a pretty awesome guy.

I suggest he bruise the other cheek so the other one doesn't feel left out.

Alyson said...

Sigh. Bruises.

Love the backhanded compliments. The seagull and the cupcake ones made me laugh.

My friends are the same way. They mean well.

blunt delivery said...

there you go again. crush this, and crush that.

cupcake, i can only take so much mental abuse before i crumble.

Laura said...

@Candice- I am REALLY hoping he meant smell and not shape. Otherwise things will go down.

@Girl Interrupted- That's exactly how I feel. If I ever make it big in anything, I'll have my friends there to knock me down a few pegs. I've never seen Samantha Who! But I like the hot and sarcastic and awesome part of the best friend description. No backhanded compliment there- 'specially since the slightly slutty and alcoholic part... are well... kind of... true.

@Mr. C- I don't know. Do you think he would comply? I'll have to ask him. That just may make him blush.

@Otherworldlyone- Yeah, the seagull one defintley is the most... interesting/crazy one.

Laura said...

Dearest Blunt of My Delivery,

Crushes come and go but my true love for you remains unshakable.

Always Yours,


Madame DeFarge said...

I'd get some new friends. Or ones with better lines at least. Or develop some withering putdowns. Or slamdowns.