Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lola vs. The Awkward Limbo Incident of 2010

I went on vacation with my family recently. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you pretty much know that when my cousins and I get together, craziness ensues. If you are a new reader and need some background information on the Lakely brigade, you can check it out here. If you are too lazy to click through to another post, here's a good summary: We are unapologetically loud, we laugh often (usually at other people), and have the ability to have entire conversations in movie quotes. What more could you possibly want from a family?

Stability is overrated.

I learned two valuable things on this Aruban sojourn: 1) The difference between men and women 2) Never go to a Limbo show at the Riu Palace

1) The difference between men and women can be summed up by what they have in their carry on luggage.

Women: Three books (three genres), lotion (two kinds), iPhone filled with music and television shows, a notebook, pens, lip gloss, an extra pair of clothes, a bathing suit, flip flops, and a pack of gum.

Men: Night Vision Goggles and a Lap Top.

2) Awkward Limbo Incident of 2010.

It started off like any other limbo show at a cheesy island resort. With Caribbean music, an ultra skinny six foot black man wearing pink and green sequined cabana pants, and a limbo stick. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the limbo stick. He shimmied under it several times to the steady beat of the steel drum band behind him, stepping gracefully over audience participants while keeping his back horizontal to the ground. There were cheers when he lit the stick on fire. Ooohs and ahhhhs when he took out two additional sticks, set them ablaze, and limboed under the giant stick while juggling the two flaming pieces of wood.

Then the new age music began. And it all went downhill.

With what could only be described as an expression of pure ecstasy, he began to rake the fiery sticks across his body. In about 2.5 seconds, the sounds of energetic laughter and happy claps deteriorated into horrified stares and frightened gasps. Children began crying as the fire hissed across the man's skin. One little blond girl, tears streaming down her face, actually had to be escorted out of the show. Several bystanders were heard to mutter, "Oh. My. God." just before passing out.

Lola's Life Lesson? It's all fun and games until the new age music comes on. If you're normal, you should run. If you're a part of the Lakely brigade,however, you stay and laugh hysterically. And reference it continuously the rest of the trip. Because a limbo man deliberately setting himself on fire to the sound of children crying never gets old.

Hope you had a naughty weekend, fellow bloggers. I know, I did. In fact, I discovered a new shot. Pop Rocks and grape vodka. Unfortunately this means that the bartender has become my dealer. With a salacious grin, he handed me a free package of the vodka laced Pop Rocks on the way out of the bar Saturday night. I am afraid I am already on credit.

I've never had innocent childhood memories of candy and summer sullied in such a delicious way before.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Lola vs. The Identify Theft

My entry in the urban dictionary:
  • Sex on legs
  • Tiger in the bedroom
  • Waiscoast is TEH SEX
  • Adorable
  • Possibly the rudest person you will EVER meet
  • Cute. END OF.
Michelle: "Did you meet up with Lola last night?"
Hannah: "Yeh, she was a tiger in the bedroom!" (Lola walks past...)
Michelle: "Aye up, sex on legs.."

The person with this name is the most amazing person you will ever meet. After you say hi to her, magic fairy dust will sprinkle on your head and then you'll be able to FLY! OMG! Who WOULDN'T want to fly? That girl is so cool. Her name must be Lola! *begins to fly*

I have met a few of you in real life. Have any of you flown shortly after having met me, while shouting OMG to yourself?

And now for something completely different...

Some dude named Marc Jacobs created a perfume after me. The description is as follows: "This warm floral bouquet conveys the free spirit of today's sexy, modern girl - she is playful, cool, and flirtatious. Blooming midnotes of rose, fuschia peony, and geranium make a feminine statement. Layers of vanilla, warm tonka bean, and creamy musk create a sensuous drydown".

This lead me to ponder some of life's greatest philosophical questions.

Should I be looking to sue on the grounds of identity theft because of that eerily accurate description? And does my creamy musk create a sensuous drydown? And if so is my sensuous drydown a danger to myself and others? Should I come with a warning label? Where should that label be on my person? Easily accessible? Or in a very naughty place?

These are questions that need answering! Since they have kept me up at night, I may just need your help in answering some of them.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lola vs. The Olympic Commitee

Dear Olympic Committee –

We were watching the winners of the pairs figure skating perform on Sunday and, sadly, we have to admit we weren't really paying a whole lot of attention. When we glanced at the screen we noticed the female skater was wearing a ballet outfit while her partner was in a hockey jersey. This immediately caught our attention and we got incredibly excited that they might possibly be performing an interpretive ice-dance of the classic inspirational hockey /ice skating film The Cutting Edge. After watching for a few more minutes we were severely disappointed to learn we were wrong and this was merely a traditional performance.

However, this made us realize that there should be an additional category in Olympic Figure Skating – 80’s Films and Television Shows: Interpretive Dance. This new category has the power to truly revolutionize the figure-skating world as we know it. The possibilities are endless! Imagine being able to see classics such as Say Anything, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, McGuyver, Moonlighting, Magnum P.I. etc. come to life in front of your very eyes. Let's be honest, who wouldn't want to witness Ducky get his figure-skating groove on in front of a very reluctant let's-just-be-friends-even-though-I'm-leading-you-on-while-making-my-own-prom-dress-to-go-with-the-most-popular-boy-in-school Andie?

If we were to expand to team skating this exciting, new category could include The Goonies, 21 Jumpstreet, St.Elmo’s Fire and The Breakfast Club. Furthermore, if we were to allow same sex partnerships shows like Miami Vice would be an excellent short program. Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs are back, taking on the Florida drug world by storm with their trademark wisecracks and Italo-casual fashion- on ice!

The use of props would be strongly encouraged. For example in a Heathers long program, Drano can be used to drive a key plot point home- especially when spewed onto the ice by one of the female figure skaters. Think of the imagery that the audience would be left with!

We, the undersigned, truly believe that by adding Interpretive Dance of 80’s Films and Television Shows it will greatly increase the number of attendees to all skating events as well as promote a steady growth in home viewership, thus resulting in astronomical advertising sales.

Thank you,

New Jersey and Connecticut