Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lola vs. Kay Jewelers Can Kiss My Ass

Has anyone seen the Kay Jeweler commercials lately?

I am actually not bringing these commercials up in order to add fuel to the fire that is my commitment phobic nature! I'm bringing them up in order to point out that the Kay commercials have become laced with strange menacing undertones. In order to prove my point, I have included the dialogue from two of their most recent adds.

Exhibit A: It's the middle of the night and a guy surprises his wife and newborn baby by a dimly lit tree. I call this commercial The Christmas Massacre of 2009: New Dad Goes Crazy

Hapless Victim/Wife: (glancing at her husband fearfully as he enters the room) What are you doing up? (shades of frantic in her tone now) It's 2AM!

Sinister Man In Pajamas/Husband: (creepily mimicking her in a monotone whisper) It's 2AM (pause) Christmas Morning... (with a kind of perverted relish) And I couldn't wait!

I imagine the rest of his statement went something along the lines of: and I couldn't wait...TO KILL YOU. The pale new born baby they insert in the wife's arms does nothing to tamper the feeling that this guy is about to go nuts and slaughter his family.


Exhibit B: Out of all their commercials, this one is by far my favorite. I like to refer to it as The Serial Killer Couple in an Abandoned Cabin in a Category 5 Storm Commercial.

Severely Creepy Man: In all the years we have been coming here, I've never seen a storm like this. (cue ominous thunder. Woman turns into her husband's serial killer arms but is strangely not scared) I'm right here. (menacing now) And I always will be.
Accomplice/Wife: Don't let go. (veiled threatening tone) EVER!

As you can see from the above conversation, this is clearly going in the direction of the couple becoming Mr. and Mrs Stabby McStabbity Stabberson from 45 Bloodlust Lane, Murderville USA.

In conclusion, every kiss does not begin with Kay. I have it on good authority that Patron shots have a much better track record at inducing more make-out sessions than Kay jewelers ever has. With their ominous themes and disturbing actors, their new tagline should be Every Crime Begins with Kay. But don't take my word for it, watch the clips of the commercials yourselves and feel free to let me know what you think. Even though I'm obviously right.

Oh, how I've missed all of you! Feel free to send me naughty admonishments in the mail for my mysterious absence. I do so need a good spanking once in awhile.