Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lola vs. Things and Stuff And Things

Things Lola has spilled on herself in the past two days:

  • Iced Caramel Machiatto
  • Key Lime Pie Gelato
  • Acai Berry Juice (on white effing pants no less)
  • Pizza Sauce
  • Iced Regular Coffee
  • Fat Free Honey Mustard Salad Dressing
  • The Sewage they claim is coffee at work
  • The Sauce they serve with steamed dumplings
  • Iced Blueberry Coffee
  • 1.7 oz of Brown Sugar and Fig body lotion

People she would like to thank for this:

Her dumb ass self.

Yeah, I know this is a stupid post but I felt the need to let people know that despite popular belief I do have a weakness. That apparently takes the shape of spilling every liquid possible on my clothing except for ones that are clear and easy to get out.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lola vs. Morphing Into a Pimp

At the request of the other half of my blackened out husk of a soul, I have officially unbundled my underwear for just a second to write this post.

If I had tears, my dearest Blunt Delivery, they would be rolling down my cheeks right now in gratitude. But because I don't, I will be forced to do some pimping of my own.

If you've ever read my blog before, you know I don't like to follow rules- except for the dating kind but they are an exception because they come from yours truly- but I would like to do something for the awards I have been given. The awards I have received are thus): A much anticipated, much coveted Blunty Award from my evil twin bitch (see above!), The Keepsake Award from the heart-warming Fidgeting Gidget, and the Honest Scrap Award from fellow honest scrapper hardlyhearshimself .

Honest Scrap Keepsake Blunt Delivery Award

Without further ado, I would like to return the pimpage with a few dishonorable mentions of my own:

The One whose Soul I'd Most Likely Want to Steal-

Girl Interrupted- I am new to her site but her soul I must, must steal. Sweet, sensitive, and utterly sincere, she has entranced me and will entrance all of you. I am sure of it. Her writing style is infectious and the pictures that often accompany her posts are even more so. Plus, she recently received a message in a bottle. How cool is that?

The One Who Makes Me Wish I Could Deal With Problems Instead of Using Sarcasm to Hide Them-

Thank God I Don't Have Kids- Most of you may not know who he is but he is one of my very first blogger friends. And let's face it, I have a bit of a soft spot for this guy. His writing is raw and brutally honest. He's not afraid of being vulnerable and often lays all of his cards out on the table. I applaud him and his manliness (you know what I'm talking about Merrick). His positivity and often quirky way of looking at life and his situation, has brought him a sense of joy in the little things that probably not too many people have and should absolutely go about getting.

The Ones That Make Me Think It's Utterly Okay to be a Saucy Vixen- (I have a tie here because it's kind of like choosing a favorite child. Or since I have no use for progeny as of yet, I'll go with choosing a favorite chocolate bar.)

Simon's Ramblings- His evocative prose and pictures make me happy to be, well me. Plus he has the added bonus of being able to craft a witty sentence that tickles the sub-cockle area of my writer's heart. Oh and his delicious pictures make me well... tingle for an entirely different reason.

Girl with the Pink Teacup- This dynamic lady caught me right from the start. She's sassy, smart, and sexy. Sigh, I quite adore this one possibly because she has the ability to do this but more because she says what many, many think but are afraid to say. And she does this with a deliciously wicked sense of humor. Unlike me, she also shows a lot of depth to her writing and on occasion surprises us all with her poignant prose.

The One That Has Made Me Snort Water Onto My Keyboard

Mr London Street- Not only can he construct a seriously clever tale but his non sequiturs are hilarious to the extreme. My keyboard is a witness. Who else could relate backgammon and roundabouts in the same post and use them so effectively? The answer is no one my friends, no one.

So here's a shot of Patron to you my friends- on Lola!


Friday, July 24, 2009

Lola vs. Being an Older Sister

I knew I was different when I decided against barbies in favor of Star Wars Action Figures especially when my younger sister favored barbies so much. But what really solidified my individuality was how I approached playing them with her.

Like most Barbie communities, the barbie females outnumbered the Ken faction about 123809182390 to 2. And unfortunately for my sister, half of her Ken faction was missing a leg. (I think this was due to the fact that my brother and I would steal the second rate Ken and repeatedly throw him out the window but that's neither here nor there.)

Since I played Barbies so rarely, I obviously did not want to play with the deformed Ken so I had to persuade my sister to want to play with it instead. Because let's face it: 1) I didn't want her to get upset that the ken doll had no leg and therefore rat me out to my mom and 2) I wanted her to play with me since there was no way I was actually going to play with dolls by myself and ruin my reputation with Han Solo.

Below is how I accomplished the task.

Little Lola: (handing her sister the legless Ken) Here you go.
Lola's Sister: (crinkling her nose up at the sight) I don't want to play with that one. They're mine anyway so you can have this one. (thrusts legless Ken back into Lola's hands)
Little Lola: (with a triumphant smile) I was hoping you'd say that.
Lola's Sister: (suspiciously) Why?
Little Lola: Well everyone else wants to be him. He's the most popular Ken in the entire town even.
Lola's Sister: (a little less doubtful now) I don't know... (considering) why is he so popular?
Little Lola: Well, this Ken's been to war so all of the other barbies are jealous of him.
Lola's Sister: I think I better play with him then. (taking legless Ken back now) But, what happened to his leg?
Little Lola: It got blown off by the enemy.

And so here's to you- legless Ken! Because without you, I would have never learned the proper way to facilitate an outcome.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lola vs. Beach Life Lessons

I just got back from vacation and am now back at work--- insert a sigh filled with murderous rage here (I've been practicing my murderous rage inflection with a sigh because I've been stuck behind a desk all day, not on the beach, and have been forced to only sigh because otherwise I attract unwanted attention from the people who pass by my office)--- but I'm still reminiscing over my time away. Every year my family and I go down to the beach for a week of sun, shenanigans, and shellfish. We've been doing this for about twenty-five years and we've now spilled over from one shore house to four all together just so we can carry the entire Lakely tribe.

My family senses weakness in much the same way that dogs can smell fear. The gusto in which my siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins brandish an insult is really quite admirable. If you ever have the misfortune of making a mistake in front of them, you will no doubt hear about it for the next 37 years. This has given me a solid foundation in which to take multiple hits to the solar plexus and continuously get back up.

So my friends, I would like to share some life lessons I have learned from Lakely Beach-ation 2009:

  • I can perform a New Jersey Sweep twice without garnering the attention of the Police.
  • It doesn't get any better than a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band.
  • OCD + turrets = a little kid's meltdown. Side note: Kid meltdowns are always funny if you are not the parents.
  • My family can not resist a stage. It doesn't matter if there is no music playing. We will get up and sing. And by sing I mean repeat one phrase of the song over and over with no musical intonation whatsoever.
  • Iranians have a penchant for sitting awkwardly-creepy close to you on the beach.
  • If you accidentally burn yourself in the eye with cigarette ash, don't make a fuss. This will only incite people to call you Helen Keller for the rest of the week.
  • My uncle has an irrational hatred for the Siesta Motel 3. 1 & 2 are perfectly fine. But 3, oh 3, is plain unnatural.
  • No one messes with the person who has possession of the pink bucket (see below).
  • We are only family in line for the bumper cars. While riding the bumper cars, we are not family. In fact, it is perfectly okay to throw your entire body into the impact so that you hit the other person harder.
  • It is also okay to violate beach etiquette/rules as long as there are twenty people with you who are doing the same thing. However when it's not your family, it's just rude and annoying.

And the last (but perhaps most important) life lesson I have learned is this:

  • Don't wander off from the rest of the family. This only leads to you requesting to be taken back to your family after you mistakenly wander into a crack den.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lola vs. Business in the Front & A Party in the Back

I had an encounter with one of the mullet people. Yes, I believe that they are their own race of people. They are rather reminiscent of those people that lived in the basement of those psycho foster parents in the movie People Under the Stairs.

I was happily minding my own business in the Sears Auto Parts store, purchasing some new all weather floor mats for Riggins (so I have an irrational obsession with my new car- no judging) when I was approached. By a round, big-foreheaded man with a cascading blond-streaked mullet.

"Do you believe in prostitution?"

I turned around, the tan all-weather floor mats clutched in both hands defensively, and just blinked at him. Like prostitution as a belief system? What?

"Um, excuse me?"

He squinted at me, behind his bright yellow wrap around glasses. "Yeah, as in do you believe in legalizing prostitution?"

As his gravel voice raked over my skin, I realized that the only thing between me and the mullet were my all-weather floor mats. I thrust them forward and practically shouted,"I have to pay for these."

And I ran. Oh how I ran. Without looking back.

Do the mullet people now exist on the same plane as the elderly? They can just say whatever the hell they want without fear of repercussions or societal judgment. Maybe like the elderly, they should have their own homes. That way I wouldn't have to deal with them unless I had to, like, fulfill community service hour requirements for my probation.

huge forehead mullet

Monday, July 13, 2009

Lola vs. The Caped Tirader

Since I am on the beach sunning my luscious, lithe female form, I have decided to dedicate this scheduled post to a blogger bff (and in reality I might add), the Caped Tirader. Before I left, he was gracious enough to sit down for an interview and give me just a glimpse into the maniacal manly mind behind that mask.

Lola: The first question comes from Kurious in Kentucky. How did you first take up that cape? And did it involve any radioactive spiders?

CT: No radioactive spiders, though I have been bitten by the ever so elusive Aged Whiskey Spider from time to time. As for the cape, I've been known to get fired up in defense of common sense against idiocy. One night after an encounter with an idiot whose brand of idiocy could only be described as geniusly idiotic, I felt it was my duty to, from that night forward, protect common sense at all costs. After a few conversations about blogging with an amazing blogger (Lola), I decided to take the fight to the net. Now I mostly blog about strange news stories to point out how ridiculous and crazy people are.

Lola: (glowing with all the unnecessary praise) CT, you are such a peach! (because when Lola's in interview mode she likes to refer to people as fruit) Enough about me, let's move on to question two from Perilous Penny In Pennsylvania! What are your super hero powers? And who have been your super heroey influences?

CT: I think my best super power is the ability to fit links to a tremendous number of movie clips into my blog posts. My influence for this power came from endless hours watching movies.

Lola: This next question comes to you from the state of Michigan. If there is one piece of advice to give to someone that you have previously covered in your blog, what would it be? And who would it be to?

CT: I think an important piece of advice I’ve blogged about before is to believe me when I say that religious figures DO NOT appear in food.

Lola: Ok, so this next questions comes entirely from me. Who do you think would win in a fight and why: Link or Mario?

CT: Mario without question. Anyone who has rocked that date-rapist super-mustache as long as he has undoubtedly has had to have been in plenty of brawls. Besides the guy is a sewer dweller. Link looks like the girlie Hanson brother, and out of that group, that’s lookin’ pretty girlie.

Lola: I hate to be all devil's advocatey but I kind of have a secret thing for Dark Link. (awkward pause) Okay then. Another me question next. Would you please divulge an embarrassing fact or socially awkward moment you have had in recent years? (please Lola needs some sort of company- considering all of her awkward exploits)

CT: I think the most embarrassing thing I've done in recent years was at a Halloween party where I got bit many times by that Aged Whiskey Spider I was talking about earlier. As the story goes (and this is kind of sad) I got pretty drunk. Halloween is my favorite holiday so costume parties are right up my alley. That year I dressed up as Chucky (from Child’s Play) and I didn’t want to break character. Therefore, I didn’t take of my mask all night, which means I didn’t eat. I did however manage to drink a ton of whiskey through a straw causing me to, mid conversation, lean back into my buddy’s kitchen cabinets and fall to the floor in slow motion like I was movie punched…this was by 9:30. the next morning wife told me that later that night, in response to her repeatedly telling me to get into bed, I, from the bathroom floor retorted, “I am in bed.”

Lola: (smiling broadly now) Okay, so last but not least Lusty in Louisiana would like to know: Boxers or Briefs?

CT: When I am on official super hero business, I wear the standard- colorful briefs over shiny tights with the cape. As my alter ego I mix it up between boxers and boxer briefs. Thanx Lola for putting this together and giving me a feature.

Lola: Anytime my caped idiocy fighting friend. Anytime!

I know this is a deviation from my usual sarcastic self, but feedback is always welcome. Who knows, one of you could be my next target- I mean- interview.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Lola vs. Spiritual Nutshelling

Religious discussions + alcohol = Unmitigated disaster.

There is nothing I hate more than religious discussions between the hours of 12:00 and 4:55 a.m. when people are way too blasted to even put forth one intelligent sentence about this subject. It becomes an incoherent, hot mess which leads to anger, accusations, and arguments that are always impossible to decipher. No one ever knows who initiated the conversation and people almost always recite some random, obscure piece of religious literature they have read- that no one else in the group is even remotely familiar with- to prove their point.

Seriously, what is it about being wasted that makes spewing out a dissertation on the legitimacy of the bible sound highly cerebral to the spewer?

In any case, I have found a sound method to combat this disastrous conversation path. Or at the very least a profound and passionate answer that I can really get behind.

As my dear friend Kane finished up his rant on the holy ghost and how inane, confusing, and hypocritical catholics are in conjunction to the HG, he turned to me and asked me my opinion. I paused, plastering what I hoped was a serious and thoughtful expression on my face, and then leaned forward. And said:

"I believe that the Holy Ghost is that thing that comes out of the Ark of the Covenant to melt the faces off of the Nazis in the first Indiana Jones movie."

So in a nutshell those are my spiritual views.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Lola vs. Patron Email Response

I thought I would share with all of you an email I recently received from a friend about his experiences with the devil's alcohol.


Hey, what’s going on? I’m chilling at a party right now but I thought I’d take a break to write you a short email. Well, as much as I like you, I’m also writing this because I’m bored out of my mind- this is one of those lame parties where everyone eats wine and cheese and discusses their Roth IRA’s and 401k’s… this is the graveyard where conversations go to die. Right now the most exciting thing happening is a man that dared to say that “Obama isn’t living up to his potential”, which is clearly a faux pas around overly-liberal trendy douchebags. He’s standing right next to the guy that just walked with a bottle of Patron. Wait…Patron? Hold on, I’m going to grab me a shot of that and I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Yo! This party is kickin’! I just had, like, 3 shots of Patron in a row, WOOOO! COLLEGE!! I just had the best conversation with some people about how Obama is the shit, man! Fuck that guy that said he’s been mediocre so far! Fuck that racist mother fucker, how dare you speak about my man like that! Wooooo! I’m getting drunk. Brb, more shots! Patron rocks!

ROLA! Dish party ish the best. I did five shots…nowait, 6? Five. I don’t know. watsh important is dat I’m drunk. Drunking ish so much fun, and so ish dish partyy. Yo, I did like five shots. or maybe wash six, who cares. have more now. As;lkdtjasro;tisutdlsakj lela- I am sefen more shotz.. doo yoo want one? come here for shot. whhy leila dont ansswer mee? WELLL SCREU YOO, STUK UP BYTCH! I wuz tryin to help by giving yoo three shot! I am good helper, iam! Patron is gud. Lolure stop it makin thee room spinning! Yes.

Yoor Fwend,

PS, I am good helper.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Lola vs. Patron

Patron is evil.

Seriously, it turns people into raving lunatics. I don't know what about Patron Tequila that makes people go into retarded zombie mode but I think it's because the alcohol comes from the devil. And if you don't agree with this statement, then you have obviously not had the patron challenge. And therefore I throw down the gauntlet to you, my friend. Just try it.

A night without patron:

You get drunk at a bar, over tip the bartenders slightly, maybe sing along drunkenly to Bon Jovi (if you're in NJ). Then you go home and pass out.

A night with Patron:

After you buy a round of shots for the entire bar and loudly proclaiming that only REAL men drink patron, you end up on top of the bar, arm in arm with the bartenders (after hours of course) in a kick line singing New York, New York unintelligibly. Then you black-out and wake up on the floor in a random hotel room. And maybe with a tattoo.

My friend D- in Patron zombie mode- insisted he help me carry two drumsticks to my car. This simple act of kindness inspired him to also call and leave me a message about what a good helper he was. While I was standing two feet away from him.

If any of you have any really good patron stories, feel free to email them to me. I get a huge kick out of drunken idiot stories and would be happy to post the best one.

P.S. I implore you to watch out for Patron cafe. Because although the tequila is masked by the deceptively sweet coffee taste it still fits into the evil you-get-so-drunk-that-your-friends-can-convince-you-that-you're-playing-the-drums-while-they-sneakily-exit-you-out-of-Rockband-and-then condescendingly-tell-you-how-good-you're-doing-as-you-flail-the-drumsticks-around-unknowingly category.