Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Lola vs. Her Oh No No List

I need to give credit where credit is due here. This post is one part Tom Haverford and one part Lola and all parts Mr. O.

Don't know Parks and Rec or Tom Haverford aka the self-dubbed "Brown Ryan Gosling"? You should. But, I suppose I can easily nutshell it for you. When Tom Haverford dates a woman he has something he calls "His Oh No No List". If a woman commits an Oh No No, it could end a relationship. For example, according to Tom, not loving 90's R&B music is number three on His Oh No No List. Not ever having seen a Paul Walker movie- huge Oh No No. Not caring about Bluray? Another Oh No No.

When Mr. O came to me with the idea of a Lola version of the Oh No No List I couldn't really refuse now, could I? After all he has been a loyal reader from the very beginning. Plus the fact that he remembered that I'm a Parks and Rec fan was just the icing on my red velvet cupcake.

In no particular order of importance and in the spirit of Tom Haverford, here is an excerpt from the Lola Oh No No List:

1) Sends me flowers for any occasion. Yuck. And I swear I'm not just being contumacious. I really do hate flowers. All kinds.
2) Wears tighter pants than I do.
3) Doesn't understand sarcasm or its proper uses in the verbal smack-down arena.
4) Pluralizes words like underwear.
5) Throws around phrases like "my stock portfolio" and "those anger management courses I took once" on the first date
6) Cannot name at least one Goonie.
7) Thinks Legos are just kids toys.
8) Has an affinity for driving moccasins or personalized condoms.
9) Uses inspirational quotes via txt message in an un-ironic way.
10) Is a Patriot fan.
11) Does not think Indiana Jones level of cool is something to strive for.
12) Will not let me frequently play with his sonic screwdriver.
13) Whittles some sort of wood and/or also plays the banjo.
14) Is not a fan of delicious flavor.
15) Cannot handle a few shots of Jameson at an Irish Pub.
16) Invites me to his brother's high school play as a second date.
17) Does not red eat meat. Never trust a man who doesn't eat red meat.
18) Has seen The Wire and still does not appreciate the sheer brilliance of names like Stringer Bell. Or running drugs in the projects of Baltimore.
19) Believes that Archer is offensive and trite and gets into an argument awkwardly in front of the wait staff about it with me. On a first date.
20) Makes Oh No No Lists. What can I say? I'm a contrary bitch.

There you have it, readers. Anyone else have any of their own Oh No Nos to add to the list?


Friday, February 17, 2012

Lola vs. The Ideal Man Who Will Kick Her Teeth In

I have men thrown at me on a consistent basis. This has nothing to do with my confidence, looks, or personality. And has everything to do with people trying to rise above seemingly insurmountable odds in order to find me a relationship. These set-up offers, most of which I refuse, have increased steadily over the past year and now seem to be tinged with desperation. As if people don't actually believe I'm happy with my life the way it is.

I worry my co-workers. I baffle my family. Most of my girlfriends look at me as though I'm one of those Chinese Finger traps- useless, strangely designed, and mostly annoying.

It's even become a challenge to the people in the periphery of my life. My deli guy is bound and determined to find me a husband. Not a day goes by that he doesn't ask me if I'm still single while questioning my sanity. Although he also alternates from threatening bodily harm to the guys who walk in there with me to looking at them through pitied, dark eyes and shaking his head as if to say "why do you put up with her?".

I'm not sure if he can be trusted at this point.

My driver, Jimmy the Greek, is so concerned now that I'm over thirty and still single that he has taken to calling up his investment banker clients and forcing me to talk to them while I'm on the way home from long business trips, jet-lagged and disgruntled. I went out with one of them once.

It didn't end well.

There are very few people in my life who haven't jumped on the Must-Get-Lola-Settled-Down-Tomorrow Bandwagon. Possibly because they are convinced I turn men insane. One of them actually compared my lady parts to the One Ring. Maybe some of the guys I've gone out with eventually danced to the tune of crazy but I certainly can't say that I've created a string of bald, drooling Gollums who clutch my picture in their cold hands while whispering,"My precious." Thanks, CT, for giving me that creepy image.

I find it incredibly strange that it's become a thing for people to try and find a guy who will bring me around to the idea of, well, being with them on, yikes, a regular basis. At this point it almost seems less about me and more about who can finally find someone to bring me down so that they can laugh maniacally about it.

Kane generally finds my stubborn refusal to give in to the whole relationship epidemic amusing and has said that he would much rather see me continue my Valentine's day tradition of trampling the hearts of the innocent. However, according to the Notes App on my iPhone at 3:58 am a few months ago, even he has broached the subject of the man who might possibly one day "kick my teeth in." Since I've pieced together our conversation from the absolute mess of drunken words jumbled together in the note, I can only assume "kick my teeth in" is meant in a good way. As best as I can tell the discussion must have gone something like this:

Kane: Smart, definitely. And he has to have an interesting job so you won't get bored.
Lola: Musician?
Kane: (making a deafening buzzer noise) You've been there. Done that. Someone involved with space.
Lola: Space? Like a Jedi? Okay, so he's fictional. I'm less nervous now about the teeth kicking.
Kane: A modern day Jedi. An astronaut. Maybe he's socially awkward about being an astronaut. We don't know.
Lola: Wait- is that an actual job still? And why does he have to be socially awkward?
Kane: LISTEN TO MEEEE.... (I don't think he actually yelled at me during this conversation but it's fun to imagine him yelling at me. Because he's a really great drunk yeller. Like champion drunk yeller. He once got kicked out of a bar at a wedding we both attended after buying the entire bar Patron shots. It was amazing.)... Obviously, when you try and run he won't let you do the actual running. But he'll be so good at making you not run that you won't even realize that you aren't running.
Lola: So basically you've decided that I'll end up with a manipulative stalker astronaut who may or may not have Aspergers and who could potentially tie me up and keep me locked in his basement. Awesome.

Do you hear that you dirty, filthy set-me-uppers? The gauntlet has been thrown. If someone out there can find me the exact man that Kane has described, maybe I'll let my teeth get kicked in.

Or not.