Friday, April 29, 2011

Lola vs. Reasons Why, The Sangria Edition

Reasons Why I Probably Shouldn't Drink Sangria

  1. I lock myself out of my house in a very tiny pink and black nightgown and am forced to shimmy through the window on my porch. Where the florescent porch light shines like a beacon on my, well, assets.


  2. I break into houses, steal family portraits, and replace them with stick figure drawings that look slightly homicidal, mostly alien, and all parts creepy.

Reasons Why I Probably Should Continue to Drink Sangria

  1. I lock myself out of my house in a very tiny pink and black nightgown and am forced to shimmy through the window on my porch. Where the florescent porch light shines like a beacon on my, well, assets.


  2. I break into houses, steal family portraits, and replace them with stick figure drawings that look slightly homicidal, mostly alien, and all parts creepy.


When did my life with my college friends turn from "Remember that time we got drunk and gave each other hickeys and Paul vomited on your steps after the Bull & Oyster Roast?" into "Remember that time we got drunk and broke into your dad's house while he was away on Easter vacation?"



I have issues. Obvi.



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Lola vs. Green Leather, Prom, and Porn

After catching the black death/flu last week, I caught up on about 23409283490823 hours of television. Granted, most of that consisted of watching about 7 seasons of Smallville. Thank you, Amazon Prime. I'd also personally like to thank Justin Hartley for his supremely excellent use of not wearing a shirt in every episode during season 6. He also receives extra credit for skills in the green leather arena. Well done, Justin.

But as much as I would like to use this entry to describe his abs, I really need to talk about Prom. What does this have to do with green leather? Nothing.

This blog entry was actually supposed to go like this:
Sickness-----------> TV Watching----------> Prom Episode of Parenthood--------> Lola's Imaginary Conversation with her Fake Grandchildren

Instead it went like this:
Sickness-------> TV watching------>80% Smallville------> Justin Hartley------> Abs------> Green Leather--------->Justin Hartley

I'd like to congratulate all of you for making this stream of consciousness gone awry journey with me. Now onto the main event. Parenthood, like many family dramas with hormone addled teenagers, had a prom episode. Where all of the parents make a huge deal about how prom is, like, such a HUGE deal. How it's something that you will remember forever. How you will one day tell your grandchildren about your magical prom experience. How is this even possibly still a common theme in dramas? In the 1950's maybe. But now? In 2011? Really?

Does anyone actually do this? Because I'd really like to meet these people who sit down with their grandchildren, bounce them on their knee, and relive their prom memories. Could you imagine if I had this conversation? It would probably go something like this:

Fake Grandchildren (in unison because fake grandchildren always speak in unison): Please, oh please, tell us while you bounce us on your respective knees about your prom night.

Lola: (while sucking on a cigarette because if I was ever a grandma I would SO one of those who sucks on a cigarette and drinks whiskey) I went to two proms. Both were magical. About 50% of my class got kicked out because they were violently drunk and decided to have their own dance called Not Prom or something like that where there was even more drinking, sex, and drugs. But to be honest, it's not as fun as trying to get hammered in the limo on the way over there while getting yelled at in Armenian by the limo driver.

Fake Grandchildren: How about the prom theme?

Lola: I feel like there was some dancing in between my friends trying to throw things down the front of my low-cut dress but I couldn't say for sure. Apparently after the dancing, I got drunk at someone's after party, danced on a pool cover and then promptly fell on my ass. Which I don't remember whatsoever but apparently it's THE only thing my friend RJ claims he remembers. Oh wait. I do remember someone walking around with a condom on their foot. That's sort of magical, right?

Fake Grandchildren: (in unison) Well, what about your date?

Lola: (laughing) I don't even remember who I went with. Relationships last like 3 seconds in high school. And that's a long-term relationship.

Fake Grandchildren: Okaaay, well what about your second prom?

Lola: I got drunk and made out with my cousin's date in the back of a beige mini van.

Fake Grandchildren: ...

On the slim chance that I am the only one who did not have a magical life-changing experience at prom, I polled some of my friends. Most of them remember nothing. One got arrested. A few ended up in Atlantic City. But one of my favorite stories has to be a friend of mine from college. Here's how his conversation with his fake grandchildren would go:

Fake Grandchildren: Please Grandpa Special Agent Juan. Please tell us your prom story. Oh, please!

Special Agent Juan: First of all, get off my damn lap. (shoves grandchildren off his lap) Well, what I remember from prom is that I went with my ex girlfriend who was dating someone else at the time but she still went with me for some reason. Who knows? It's high school. Anyway at some point she got into a fight with him. Because she was dancing with me, I guess? So she broke up with him and I got laid that night. Bam! Eat that Kenny whatever your last name was.

Now if that doesn't just warm the cockles of your heart, I don't know what will.

Anyone else have any interesting anecdotes to share with your fake grandchildren?