Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Lola vs. Green Leather, Prom, and Porn

After catching the black death/flu last week, I caught up on about 23409283490823 hours of television. Granted, most of that consisted of watching about 7 seasons of Smallville. Thank you, Amazon Prime. I'd also personally like to thank Justin Hartley for his supremely excellent use of not wearing a shirt in every episode during season 6. He also receives extra credit for skills in the green leather arena. Well done, Justin.

But as much as I would like to use this entry to describe his abs, I really need to talk about Prom. What does this have to do with green leather? Nothing.

This blog entry was actually supposed to go like this:
Sickness-----------> TV Watching----------> Prom Episode of Parenthood--------> Lola's Imaginary Conversation with her Fake Grandchildren

Instead it went like this:
Sickness-------> TV watching------>80% Smallville------> Justin Hartley------> Abs------> Green Leather--------->Justin Hartley

I'd like to congratulate all of you for making this stream of consciousness gone awry journey with me. Now onto the main event. Parenthood, like many family dramas with hormone addled teenagers, had a prom episode. Where all of the parents make a huge deal about how prom is, like, such a HUGE deal. How it's something that you will remember forever. How you will one day tell your grandchildren about your magical prom experience. How is this even possibly still a common theme in dramas? In the 1950's maybe. But now? In 2011? Really?

Does anyone actually do this? Because I'd really like to meet these people who sit down with their grandchildren, bounce them on their knee, and relive their prom memories. Could you imagine if I had this conversation? It would probably go something like this:

Fake Grandchildren (in unison because fake grandchildren always speak in unison): Please, oh please, tell us while you bounce us on your respective knees about your prom night.

Lola: (while sucking on a cigarette because if I was ever a grandma I would SO one of those who sucks on a cigarette and drinks whiskey) I went to two proms. Both were magical. About 50% of my class got kicked out because they were violently drunk and decided to have their own dance called Not Prom or something like that where there was even more drinking, sex, and drugs. But to be honest, it's not as fun as trying to get hammered in the limo on the way over there while getting yelled at in Armenian by the limo driver.

Fake Grandchildren: How about the prom theme?

Lola: I feel like there was some dancing in between my friends trying to throw things down the front of my low-cut dress but I couldn't say for sure. Apparently after the dancing, I got drunk at someone's after party, danced on a pool cover and then promptly fell on my ass. Which I don't remember whatsoever but apparently it's THE only thing my friend RJ claims he remembers. Oh wait. I do remember someone walking around with a condom on their foot. That's sort of magical, right?

Fake Grandchildren: (in unison) Well, what about your date?

Lola: (laughing) I don't even remember who I went with. Relationships last like 3 seconds in high school. And that's a long-term relationship.

Fake Grandchildren: Okaaay, well what about your second prom?

Lola: I got drunk and made out with my cousin's date in the back of a beige mini van.

Fake Grandchildren: ...

On the slim chance that I am the only one who did not have a magical life-changing experience at prom, I polled some of my friends. Most of them remember nothing. One got arrested. A few ended up in Atlantic City. But one of my favorite stories has to be a friend of mine from college. Here's how his conversation with his fake grandchildren would go:

Fake Grandchildren: Please Grandpa Special Agent Juan. Please tell us your prom story. Oh, please!

Special Agent Juan: First of all, get off my damn lap. (shoves grandchildren off his lap) Well, what I remember from prom is that I went with my ex girlfriend who was dating someone else at the time but she still went with me for some reason. Who knows? It's high school. Anyway at some point she got into a fight with him. Because she was dancing with me, I guess? So she broke up with him and I got laid that night. Bam! Eat that Kenny whatever your last name was.

Now if that doesn't just warm the cockles of your heart, I don't know what will.

Anyone else have any interesting anecdotes to share with your fake grandchildren?

25 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

So this "prom" you're talking about is like a party for high school kids? When you are of grandmother age, I expect the children will be doing this shortly after kindergarten.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well we didn't have proms growing up but I did once poop myself in the car on the way to the airport during a fit of food poisoning, I'm sure my mythical grand kids would enjoy THAT story!

Trinity said...

Ah Prom. My nights weren't nearly as crazy as yours and were filled with teen angst. My favorite was when I went with a girl from another school to her prom. After the dance we split off from one another(we weren't a couple) and went to seperate parties. I proceeded to then meet a new girl and later go on a date with said girl. She ultimately started dating my best friend as we only had one date.

And I can honestly say I didn't have one drink at any of the proms I went to.

Little J said...

My prom date and I met at church youth group. He went to another school, but he wanted to come with me. We'd kinda been dating, but not openly. He left my post prom party because he had a show (obviously he was in a boy band and had horrible frosted tips). I decided I would go to that, instead of camping with my friends, and turns out his new 13 year old girlfriend was there. Yeah, we were 18...

Little J said...

Oh, and I'd like to report that for the record, I am WAY hotter and more successful than his now wife. And I think he sells cars. Jokes on you buddy!

The Faux Trixie said...

Hilarious. I went to four proms - all four years of high school (what? I was popular. I always got asked). I ignored my date during my first prom and flirted incessantly with someone in our party. That guy is now some huge DJ (not the guy at that ski lodge party. That guy aspires to be my prom date, Lee Foss).

The second prom was with a guy I was dating at the time. There was dry humping involved but no sex because we were in my parents' home. My mom made me wear this horrible dress with horrible shoes.

My third prom was with an ex. He asked way in advance and I spent the whole night crying b/c the guy I was dating went with someone else, who, as it turns it, is now a lesbian.

My senior prom was with a friend who was always in love me with me. My dress was gorgeous. We missed most of prom b/c we went into the city for dinner. I ignored him all night. He's now an up and coming actor in NYC. Also true story.

Moral of the story: I make bad choices.

Lola Lakely said...

@Gorilla- Prom is kind of like what you guys do when you sit around in a circle and groom each other. Eat the ticks out of each others hair and throw fesces at each other. Same thing really.

@Vegetable- That's a touching, heart-warming story that should really be on the Hallmark Movie Channel. You may want to copyright that shit pronto.

@Trinity- It is GREAT to see you here! They weren't that crazy. It just sounds worse than it actually is. Unlike today, I think back then I would have one drink and be bombed. Ahhhh, youth. I don't remember ever having much teen angst. I think I went through high-school pretty much unscathed. It helped that I didn't care much what people thought of me.

@Little J- Awwwwww, I remember bad frosted tips and boy bands. Sigh. Of course you are WAY hotter than his current wife. Take that ex-boy band member turned car salesman!

@Faux- Of course you were popular. You have a sweet, sweet ass. True story. If we are going to be technical about the whole prom attending thing, I think I went to four or five. Two that weren't at my school and three at my school. For sake of length and the funny, I just counted my senior year. The others I barely remember. Even the one at the all boy's prep school. How the hell I managed to forget that one, I will never, ever know.

My best friend during high-school went with this guy she had a crush on and he ended up making out with my arch-nemesis. He is now gay.

The real Moral of your Story: You make bad choices that make awesome blog stories.

I heart you.

*uncorked said...

I only went to my senior prom. My junior prom was spent at a super cool 16+ "club" dancing with trashy 20-something guys and washing the cigarette stink off of my body before going home. I went to my senior prom with a friend, spent entirely too much money on my dress, didn't get laid and ended up eating ice cream in a hotel room alone because he passed out. Fuck off grandkids I'll never have. Also, I'm totally hotter than his wife now.

Lola Lakely said...

Dearest Soulmate /It's Complicated Lover- Fuck off grandkids I'll never have! You don't own me or my magical prom stories.

I would consider myself very lucky to be eating ice cream in a hotel room cuddled up to you.

That is all.

tennysoneehemingway said...

I don't understand the whole prom thing. Does 'prom' actually mean anything? We have 'formals,' or 'deb balls,' over here. Well, they're making something of a comeback. We never had them when I was in high school. Which was a blessing really, coz there's no way I would've found a date. Even the dingo ugly chicks thought I was too ugly to go out with. I'm still dingo ugly but fuck them, I got a beautiful wife and that's all that matters.

Lola Lakely said...

Tenny- I don't get the whole prom thing and I actually went to a bunch. Althouhg it kind of loses the excitement when you have one sophomore, junior, and senior year. It's silly.

And I love how most of the comments have to do with fuck the people I went to high-school with because I am now way hotter with a hotter spouse. I like it!

otherworldlyone said...

I got drunk and banged my best friend's older brother all night. Their dad walked in on us. That was the best.

The theme was "A moment like this..."

P.S. - I <3 you, so hard.

Lola Lakely said...

@otherworldlyone- Wow, that is supremely AWESOME. Have you ever written about it? That's a story I would love to have as a guest post.

P.S.- I kind of have a crush on you right now.

Denny DelVecchio said...

Yet another post that makes Denny sad that he only reads on a 3rd grade level.

*uncorked said...

Dearest other half of my heart-shaped locket,

Cuddling with you while eating ice cream in a hotel room is about as close to heaven as I can ever imagine.

Until the day we can be together and have our own lacy, leathery lingerie-y prom ...

Lola Lakely said...

@Denny- You're in luck. I have a 3rd grade sense of humor.

Dearest Crescent Moon,

H. E. A. V. E. N.

Always Yours in Leather and Lace,

Lola

blunt delivery said...

dude. at least you had a prom.

i had a BANQUET. cus dancing was evil.

and i had just gotten out of the hospital from breaking my head, and went tanning and collapsed from dehydration.

it rocked.

xoxo

Lola Lakely said...

In some cultures breaking your head and collapsing from dehydration is a rockin' dance move. Well done.

Mr O said...

I have to say, I'm in between on this subject. It wasn't magical, but I didn't hate it either. Of course, I'm a nostalgic guy and went to a small school so the only thing I could think on my senior prom was the whole "this is the last time we are all going to be together" and as cliche as that sounded, it was true. But I guess what is kind of cool is that:

*a lot of us went out to eat together and my best (guy) friend was there. We were roommates all through college and even now are talking about possibly going skydiving

*I asked my best (girl) friend to dance and she gave me one of those "you want to dance with ME?" kind of responses. Fast forward to now and I was in a tux on her side at her wedding and I plan on rushing to the hospital in July when she has her first kid

*And my date was a girl I had been trying ALL YEAR to get with. How high school is this: I got excited because I got a kiss that night. A kiss. Three or four days later we became a couple that lasted for about four years.

So that was the heartfelt, nostalgic story. If you want the juicy, gossip story I could tell you about the time I went as a junior with my girlfriend, who was a senior, and actually denied her the sex haha

Lola Lakely said...

Lovely Mr. O,

It makes my heart smile that you took so much time to comment. My proms certainly weren't magical but they were fun, what I remember of them anyway. And how many of us can actually say that they got the girl/guy they had been trying ALL YEAR to get with. Not many. Well done, luv. Well done. Not that I'm surprised really. You're a catch.

And yes, please. Send some gossip my way.

Looking forward to our interview.

corblimeycharlie.com said...

In Australia we don't actually have Proms but we do have a Debutante. (yup, I KNOW!) . The Deb is mostly for the girls, more like their 'coming out' to society. Boys don't really feature although, after smuggling a bottle of whiskey into the gig most boys end up 'coming out'in their own way.

The best part of the night, and yes i was asked to be a 'Deb' partner oh so many years ago, was the fact that we all looked equally ridiculous in our pale blue and peach suits and dresses. Joy.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I was the first person in New Jersey history to attend prom 9 times.

True story.

Oh, the nights.

Lola Lakely said...

@corblimeycharlie- Soooo, I just realized who you are and that made this naughty redhead smile for the first time today. Ok, maybe not the first but definitely the widest. You know what didn't make me smile? The fact that work blocks your website! Grrrrr. And if there was ever a chance iI could have possibly be considered for the part of a deb, I would have asked you to be my Deb partner for sure. Miss you.

Lola Lakely said...

@Denny- More. Please.

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