Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Lola vs. The Most Immature Post Ever. EVER.

Before I get into my regularly scheduled shenanigans- which includes an installment on dum, dum, dum, dum... my exes, Australia, and a date with perfect stubble- I feel the need to remind all of you that I have the sense of humor of a thirteen year old boy. And that's on a good day. Today however, I've regressed even further.

Today, I'm about five years old.

Case in point: Lola's Word Play

So I've recently rejoined society and come back to work from leave to find that they have started a meditation group here. I'm oddly fascinated by this. After bantering with a friend who basically told me "there was no way you'd be able to sit still for five minutes", he sends me a link to some common meditation guidelines while another friend rated the importance of each guideline and the percentage of time in which I'll spend on them. And here is where my immaturity sense kicks right in. I send back the email, with one key word changed. And here it is:

How to Prepare for Masturbation
Masturbation is simple to do and doesn't require much equipment. You can, however, prepare yourself and your space in a few ways. What you may need are some basic amenities such as these:
  • Masturbation cushion, bench, or favorite chair
  • Quiet, tidy spot, preferably reserved for masturbation
  • Loose-fitting, comfortable clothing
  • Favorite masturbation technique(s)

Other items you may want to include are:

  • Stretches to prepare your body for sitting
  • Altar of special objects, pictures, candles, or incense
  • Hallway or path for walking masturbation, if you want
  • Masturbation teacher to consult in case you get stuck or want to go deeper

How to Open Your Body, Mind, and Spirit to Masturbation
Masturbation is a practice that engages not only your mind, but your body and spirit, too. When you masturbate, you aim to combine all three aspects so you can tap into your calm center, and then relax and refresh yourself. Use the tips in the following list to engage your mind, body, and spirit in your masturbation practice.

  • Practice stretches that open your hips and lengthen your spine.
  • Discover how to relax your body (if you don't already know) by practicing some deep relaxation techniques.
  • Explore the basic masturbation techniques (mindfulness, loving kindness, mantra), choose one, and stick with it — for a few weeks or months at least.
  • Take a masturbation class with an experienced teacher, join a masturbation group, or attend a masturbation workshop or retreat.
  • Talk with your family about your interest in masturbation to make sure they feel comfortable about your practicing at home. (this one has to be my favorite)
  • Remind yourself of the scientifically proven health benefits of masturbation, from lower cholesterol to greater longevity to an enhanced immune system.

How to Make Sure You're Masturbating Correctly
It doesn't take much to masturbate the right way — especially because there really isn't just one correct way. If you're concerned about your masturbation practice, look over the following questions. If you answer yes to them, you're masturbating very well, indeed. If any of your answers are no, just keep masturbating!

  • Do I relax when I masturbate, instead of tensing up?
  • Is my mind alert and aware, yet open and receptive?
  • Do I remember to come back to the focus of my masturbation when my mind wanders off?
  • Do I remain relatively still, rather than fidgeting or shifting constantly?
  • Do I take one moment at a time, rather than trying to achieve some goal like quieting my mind?
  • Am I enjoying my breath (or my mantra or other focus) instead of working hard to get it right?

I'd also be very interested to know if any of you have actually taken part in a masturbation focus group and/or a retreat. What does it entail? Can you bring a friend? What's the sign-up process like? Do you have to fill out an extensive form?

Yeah okay, so maybe society isn't ready for me just yet. Maybe it enjoyed its good, long break and wonders whether it will ever have respite again.

I'm ba-ack.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well one needs a masturbation cushion, dude. I wonder if you paint a face on it to make it more uh....crushworthy? :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never realised how similar meditation and masturbation were until reading this post, Ms Lakely. Do you prefer it clockwise or anti-clockwise?

Anonymous said...

So glad you are back!!!

tennysoneehemingway said...

I'd sign up for a masturbation retreat, though I'm not sure about a class. There's nothing like a good retreat to help you focus on your proper masturbation technique.

Mr O said...

holy. shit.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time, and I'm not "lol" exaggerating.

Thank you. I've missed you. I heart you. You're awesome.

RJ Arditti said...

There's a Masturbation weekend? and exercizes... in the words of The Big Lebowski, "I still jerk off manually"

*uncorked said...

You are my favorite person in the entire world. I mean it. I would meditate/masturbate with you any day. I mean. No, I don't even want to change the meaning of that sentence by cheapening it with faux comment love. Our love is real. Come back to me.

Lola Lakely said...

@Vegetable- Hmmm. I think that could be quite a brilliant move actually. We now need a "Ye Olde Meditation Mastubration Cushion Shoppe." Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

@Gorillas- If this blog helps shed light on the similarities between two such different actions my work here is done. Anti-clockwise of course. After all, I've always done everything in my own time.

@Anonymous- Why, thank you.

@Tenny- I can't tell you how excited I am to see your comments again. Almost as excited as going to a masturbation retreat. I wonder what the break-out sessions would be.

@My Lovely Mr. O- I think that's one of the best comments I've gotten. "Thank you. I've missed you. I heart you. You're awesome." Sigh. I sense random contact soon. And somehow I had a feeling you'd get as big of a kick out of this as I did.

@RJ- Anyone who quotes The Big Lebowski in the comment section of this blog, is welcome at any and ALL times.

@V- Everytime we talk lately, there are 80's power ballads running through my head. Now there will be 80's power ballads and meditation masturbation running through my head. I'm not sure it can get any better than that. And I will come back. Count on it.

LC said...

HILARIOUS. Just what I needed to get going this morning!

Lola Lakely said...

@LC- Glad I could be of service! I'm still giggling over this.

Simon said...

You’ve already indicated my favourite as being yours, but I should like to add this for a special award:

‘Masturbation teacher to consult in case you get stuck or want to go deeper.’

Wanting to go deeper goes without saying. Getting stuck is one of the things most people prefer not to think about. It’s the sort of thing that can happen if you rashly confuse superglue and lubricant. But we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

Lola Lakely said...

Dearest Simon,

Oh how I've missed thee. Yes, I used thee. This must mean that I'm very serious about the aforementioned missing.

That one definitely deserves an award. Since I keep both in my bedside table, I can assure you that I am very adept at telling the tubes apart in the dark. ;)

Good to see you again!

Anonymous said...

I would expect no higher maturity than what you have exhibited, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

Lola Lakely said...

@Faux- At least it comes from a good place. Oh wait, it doesn't.

lisleman said...

finding a new blog is always subject to the random first impression of the post you read. If your other posts are as creative as this one, I will be enjoying your blog. great post - now I need to go talk to my family about this interest of mine. Any suggestions on to start the discussion?

Lola Lakely said...

@lisleman- I always appreciate new faces! While most masturbation gurus would tell you that a demonstration is the best way to start the discussion, I would think that in this case that would be creepy and incredibly disturbing. I think you should find your own way on the masturbation path to enlightment.

I can't always promise creative but I can almost always promise dirty, if you are up for it. I hope you stick around. I'm off to check out yours.

linlah said...

Back with a bang, so to speak.

otherworldlyone said...

Maturity is overrated. Masturbation...is not. :)

Lola Lakely said...

@Linlah- What's the point of being back if you can't bang? So to speak. Nice to see you again linlah.

@otherworldlyone- I couldn't agree more with your statement.

jerrod said...

hi lovely lola.

Lola Lakely said...

@Jerrod-Well hello most yellow one. I've missed you. ;)

miss*H said...

I've always dismissed meditation as being a bit boring but after reading this I'm willing to give it a go so long as it's not full of the pensioners that partake in such classes near me. It sounds a lot more interesting now (do you think medidation is a codeword?)

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