Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lola vs. The Month That Wasn't Or Was It?

Since I have been absent for quite some time, I wanted to use this post as a way for us to catch up. I've missed all of your commentary on the naughty/ inappropriate things that I do on any given random Tuesday night and so this post is dedicated to the things you were not around for.

Highlights:
  • I have successfully learned how to make my mother's pasta sauce. And homemade meatballs. This now officially makes me Italian.

  • I made the mistake of making both the sauce and the meatballs at one of my infamous parties. Spaghetti ended up on my head. And on the walls. And in the guest bedroom.

  • I had a stalker for the month of December. Who sent me flowers, cookies, and then chocolate covered strawberries. The card that came with the flowers stated, "Just to let you know someone is thinking of you."

  • I received my very first sonic screwdriver. I am still waiting for one of you to show me yours. You know who you are.

  • I met Trinity and his wife in real life. Twice! Well to be accurate I met him and his wife once and Trinity twice but both times= DELIGHTFUL. He was kind enough to write about our second outing which included: karaoke, an overly exuberant gay waiter cock-blocking Trinity's dessert, Mary Poppins, and a subway trip to hell!

  • I found out who my stalker was. It's insanely creepy that he knew my address. Does it make me a bad person that I've already forgotten his name? It may have begun with a G...

  • I was asked out 2.5 times. I went out 2.5 times. The evidence- on whether or not the .5 was actually a date- remains inconclusive.

  • I am more attached to one of my video game characters than any of the 2.5 dates above. This troubles me.

  • I ran out of my house at 4:30am- while it was snowing- in a Notre Dame jersey, boy shorts and Ugg® boots. My friend found me and I apparently responded with a slurred, "I was taking out the garbage."

  • One of my garbage cans is still missing.

  • My brother asked me what movies Sam Worthington has been in. I mistakenly answered, "Hooooooooot!" I will never be able to live this down. This occurred a month ago and there is still fallout.

Drunk Text Favorites:

From: Lola Recipient: Kane Text: Whahtgaking? Kane's response: I can't even begin to imagine what that is. And that is awesome

From: Lola Recipient: Jeanette Text: aj! hydbnu Jeanette's response: What does that even mean?

From: CW Recipient: Lola Text: Got here... we think we've met Melissa- drinking profusely now. My response: Who's Melissa?

From: Lola's sister Recipient: Lola Text: Peanioooooooo abr playing I would walk 6000 milesassss. Locedddeeeeeee uuuuuuu (included a video attachment of unintelligible singing and mysterious origin)

From: KF Recipient: Lola Text: Hey don't forget to list your MOUTH on your 2009 Tax Return. I heard it got a lot of work this year. My response: Damn it, I should have filed for workman's comp.

From: JA Recipient: Lola Text: In jail. I blame public transit.*

*I can't even count the number of times I've received drunken phone calls or texts about my friends being in jail. None of them have actually been in jail at the time the messages were sent.

Most "Interesting" Compliment:

"Dude, Lola, you're kind of like my paxil." My response: Um... thanks?

Alas, our catch-up time is coming to an end. Sigh. I will leave you with one of the reasons I have been absent:

I went to our company's national sales meeting. This has reaffirmed my deep-rooted belief that national sales meetings are the girls gone wild episodes of the business community. Once everyone is finished with their daily meetings, the inhibitions are shed. Imagine spring break with an expense account! At different points in my career I've seen: a presenter vomit mid-power point; a big-time executive hit on a sales rep directly after giving a speech on his wife and family values; an entire team go skinny dipping; a beach bar break-in; a table thrown out a balcony window; an impromptu 3 am Call of Duty session in the break-out room, several inappropriate hook-ups, binder bowling, and much more.

I am sure you are asking whether yours truly has ever done anything untoward at these meetings. And my answer to you is: Haven't I always kept up with the accepted standards of what is right and proper in polite society?


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Lola vs. Vomit, Speed Dating, and Tantric Sex

I once vomited in a urinal in the men's bathroom at the Barbados international airport.

What does this have to do with speed dating? A lot. Best Segway EVER!

One of my absolute favorite bloggers, deliciously naughty V, and I were talking yesterday about the various do's and dont's of speed dating, as recommended by the people organizing the event. V was kind enough to send me a list:

Do's: 1. Smile and use the other person's name. 2. Find something to compliment the person on, don't lie. 3. Keep topics to pop culture- that means no politics, ex's 4. Ask about the other person using open ended questions, those which cannot be answered with a yes or no. 5. Answer questions succinctly and then give away a small amount about yourself. 6. Use eye contact and open body language. Don't be afraid to touch.

Don'ts: 1.
Size them up or judge what they do for a living, etc. 2. Bad mouth other daters. 3. Cross your arms.

Of course after reading these wonderful speed dating rules over an email exchange, V and I decided to have our own speed dating session with each other- entirely based on the recommended questions and topics given out prior to the speed dating event. So dearest bloggers, without further ado, here is our speed dating conversation:

V: How do you feel about tantric sex? Do you believe in ghosts? New age?
Lola: Yes. Perhaps. Entirely dependent on how I feel at the moment. Have you ever taken an IQ test? If so, how did it feel?
V: I have taken one, but I'd rather not discuss the results. I'd much rather find out how you feel about Dancing with the Stars.
Lola: Luke warm. I'm dying to know what the strangest thing about you is!!!
V: The strangest thing about me is that I am 28, single, attractive, successful, funny and actually paid to be here. I'm very curious as to what your favorite movie is? And don't give me any "Too many to list" answers because we only have a minute and a half left.
Lola: Beware, V (smiles directly into her eyes) I am not afraid to touch.
V: (looks away, crosses her arms, and pulls out her blackberry to tweet)
Lola: Ohhh, just for that I am SO sizing you up while judging your lawyerly ways and talking about my ex.
V: Did you see that #10 girl? What a trashy whore (V slurs).
Lola: This is the best game we've ever invented.
V: Oh, you like games do you??? What's the strangest game you've ever played? Did I say strangest? I meant dirtiest
Lola: Wow, coincidentally the strangest/dirtiest game I ever played was also the funnest thing I did this summer!
V: Was that in your favorite place in the city? What part would that be? Oh, mine too!
Lola: How did you know? It was in Hell's kitchen and the dirtiest/strangest game is why it's my favorite part of the city!
V: Here's where the touching begins...
Lola: Please, please, tell me it's inappropriate touching!
V: How can it be inappropriate when it feels so right? I think we have 15 seconds left.
V: By the way, who did you vote for and do you go to church?
Lola: I do believe in Heaven, only because it looks like you fell from there! Ohhhhh. Do you believe in past lives? Possession? Water Retention?
V: No, I'm a libertarian

I think I'd like to send this question to them (as I am sure it will likely get me a 95% approval rating from other speed daters): Where is the strangest place you have vomited and why? Please be specific in your answers.

Because nothing stirs the fires of lust than a good discussion on vomit. Besides tantric sex, believing in ghosts, and new age philosophy that is.

I bet all of you are wondering how I ended up expelling the contents of my stomach in a urinal in the men's bathroom at the Barbados international airport. Well that, dear readers, is a story for another day. Hint: It involves an entire English field hockey team.

Oh, what fun it is to be back!