Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Lola vs. The Super Glue Incident of 2010

This Incident/Accident actually happened a few weeks ago. After I called up V, and described to her the debacle that is my life, she declared that "the story is effing awesome and needs to be out in the blog world ASAP." Sooo, the ASAP lasted a bit longer than expected. I blame the Germans.

If you are a faithful reader, you are well aware of my propensity for spectacular falls. If you're a new reader, well , consider yourself informed. I fall spectacularly.

Cue backstory: I had decided to schedule three dates within the span of seven days. I know, it sounds bad. But I had a few precious days to myself and for some reason I had it in my head that I needed to cram dating in before certain things in my life took over again. Plus, dating also gives me the opportunity to create fun nicknames like Perfect Stubble Guy in order to amuse all of you. And really, what's the point of remembering their names? They're never around long anyway. Yeah, I know, really not painting myself in a good light here.

So this my blogger friends, is the story of date number 3- The Double-Date...

Running incredibly late for the aforementioned date, I raced up the steps with my laptop slung over one shoulder and my gym bag over the other. In my haste I caught the end of the step with my toe and went sprawling on my kitchen floor. When my vision returned to normal after clocking my head hard against the door, I stood up on bloody, scratched knees and realized the strap to my new, sexy black shoes had snapped. Growling something under my breath, knowing my friend would be here any minute, I staggered- on one shoe- to the cabinet. Jerking the door open, I rummaged and found the tube of super glue that was cleverly hidden behind a copy of Game Informer magazine and a package of light bulbs.

I popped the cap, squeezed the tube, and super glue squirts all over my hands, arms, and the offending shoe I was attempting to fix. So of course my thumb sticks to the strap and I have to yank it hard, which tears off a portion of my skin. By now the glue has dried on my arms, leaving a trail of crusty white sticky stuff all over my arms. I run to the sink and attempt to use the Brillo pad to scrape the glue from my skin. This just makes it worse because now, not only is my skin red and raw, but the remaining white crap is still flaking off of me.

Of course my friend chose this moment to ring my doorbell so I have about three seconds to wipe my knees, brush a comb through my disheveled red hair, straighten my skirt, and slip into my stupid shoe. Still in a bit of pain after my ridiculous fall, I climb gingerly into her car and she tells me that this date is the exact thing I need- as if I hadn’t had two others in the past 7 days- and how this guy is so nice…blah…blah…blah… it’ll take my mind of things…blah…blah…blah.

When we get to the restaurant, I proceeded to have a double-date with pretty much two of the best-looking men I had ever seen. The type of good-looking that makes you wonder why the hell they are walking around among us mere mortals. And the kicker? My date was a complete and utter gentleman. Like standing every time I got up to go to the bathroom complete gentleman.

Which was probably about three or four times since my skin was itching and I thought I was still bleeding. The whole time I kept thinking, this guy totally thinks I’m snorting cocaine.

So at the end of the date there I was bruised, still battered, with crusty white stuff flaking off the length of my arms, staring into the deep chocolate eyes of a man whose previous job included going to clubs, flashing those dimples, and getting paid to look hot.

And I am left with the question, what in gods name made him ask for my number?

21 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well, maybe he realised you'd had a mishap and took pity on you. Or maybe he was staring at your boobs and didn't notice anything else.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Yea, I'd guess either 1) total fixation on boobs, 2) he has a thing for chicks with flaking skin, or 3) you're just total win.

Trinity said...

I would guess he thought that flaky white stuff was something else and wanted to find out what. That or you pulled the date off better than you thought. Or maybe he is a secret reader and knows who you really are.

*uncorked said...

I'm going to have to second Dr. Cynicism's #3. You are a total win. I laughed for hours after you told me this story. So what if you looked like a flaky burn victim? You're still amazing. I'd do you.

Lola Lakely said...

@Gorilla Bananas- True, they are pretty spectacular. I probably should have told the "i'm-an-idiot-and-i-fall-alot" story but I was blinded by how hot he was and didn't.

@Dr.Cynicism- Total fixation on the boobs I can handle, but maybe I don't want to get involved with a number 2 because that's a little too clost to creepy serial killer area for me. And I think I'm secretely hoping for #3. ;)

@Trinity- I think he was way too much of a gentleman to ask. I often think I'm a lot more awkward than I actually am. Like that time I embarrassed myself in front of a Hollywood movie star. My cousin swears it's not as bad as I thought. I would think this blog would make men run away and not jump into dating me.

@uncorked- Haha, I'm a total win? God I love you guys. And I am still laughing at the comment. I think it needs to go up on FB. ASAP. And not my twisted version of ASAP. Like now.

Anonymous said...

Since he was such a gentleman, maybe he felt inclined to ask for your number when you woke up as he was staggering out at 5am. maybe?

Lola Lakely said...

@Anonymous- I actually didn't sleep with him. Imagine that. Plus if you've read this blog before, you know how I avoid having people sleep in my bed at all costs.

bluntdelivery said...

Love of my life,

This story doth not surprise me, albeit makes me 100 times more attracted to you.

I have missed you, you should know. V and I have consoled eachother in your absence of your oddly smooth skin.

maybe it has something to do with all the brillo pad action? that's some serious exfoliating.

Lola Lakely said...

@bluntdelivery-

Without you I dwell in eternal darkness. And I have to say, you saying that to me makes me 100 times more attracted to you.

Well, my oddly smooth skin has missed you guys stroking it more than you will ever know.

Jeanette said...

Oh Lola, you never disappoint, even though you warned me of this posts epicness I was wondering "will this live up to the facebook post?" and did it ever.

Sidenote, the other day I was attempting to walk through a wide open door frame, like a normal person does 20+ times a day.... AND COMPLETELY MISSED! Who does that?!

We really need to work on how we present ourselves to the world haha. Congrats on getting the number even after the world was trying to keep you down haha. Stana would be proud.

Lola Lakely said...

@Jeanette- I was worried that I raised the bar by posting on your wall. Thank god, Stana would be proud otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

And me. I would totally MISS that. You're in good company, my friend.

Love in the Dumps said...

HAHAH I love it - bad goes to worse goes to cursed. What the hell is in super glue anyway??

Lola Lakely said...

@Love in the Dumps- I'm guessing my dignity is a part of the recipe?

TRUEMAN said...

Is this really her? Miss Lakely herself? The vampire?! Nice to see you haven't given up on your blog.
I've read many things about you...http://wp.me/p12I1S-1I
Nice to 'blog' meet you.

Lola Lakely said...

@Trueman- This is her! I am she and I adore the fact that I get to be famous. I'm sure many people wish that I had given up on this little ole blog but alas I have not. More socially awkward experiencs and misadventures will ensue. I can promise you that. And thanks for the wonderful dedication on your fabulous blog.

Madame DeFarge said...

I shall rush out and buy a stick of glue and wave it hopefully at my husband and see if it works for me.

Lola Lakely said...

@Madame Defarge- Maybe I shouldn't had said anything about the superglue. Kept my secret of attracting men to myself.

Mr O said...

Was I the only one that noticed how tucked away in this intricate story was the fact that you had a Game Informer magazine lying around? That is all kinds of awesome.

It's not surprising to anyone on here that he asked for your number. Most girls would have either a) just said forget the date or b) bitched the whole time about what a shitty day they were having. Which, unless I'm mistaken, you did neither.

The "walking among us mere mortals" thing? That's how I feel with you in my life...

Lola Lakely said...

@My Lovely Mr. O- You're the only one who commented on it, that's for sure. I could even tell you what issue it is. The one about BioShock 3.

I definitely did neither. And honestly, could you be any sweeter? Between the whole triple threat and the you thinking I'm "walking among us mere mortals", I'm wishing more and more you'll give up, come to NJ, and finally make an honest woman out of me.

Denny DelVecchio said...

I think that you were a DelVecchian before you knew that you were.

Lola Lakely said...

@Denny DelVecchio- I think perhaps it was lying dormant in my body until last night. The stars aligned. Or at least my martini glass and my computer.