Thursday, September 30, 2010

Lola vs. Big Secret: Revealed

So, I am writing this post about two and 1/2 bottles of wine deep. And I think I may have actually eaten some cork in the process, since the third bottle gave me a bit of trouble with the whole opening thing. Yeah, so it's probably not a good idea for me to actually be typing but I'm hoping spell check will be my saving grace tonight. Or it may just bring on some entertaining typos. And I'm all about entertaining the masses.

I had a huge wake up call tonight. The kind that stops you dead in your tracks, causes your stomach to drop right into your feet, and your skin to feel like it's on fire. And it's made me realize something. That life is so preciously, amazingly short. It's intoxicating and horrible and wonderful but it should never, ever be taken for granted. And it's so heart-breakingly short.

I've been hiding and running from feelings (yuck, how does this word still give me the shivers?) for so long that I don't even know what normal is anymore. I can toss off an I-don't-give-a-shit grin like the best of them. And I've always done this with a suggestive, devil-may-care wicked tilt to my lips. You don't matter to me. Nothing gets to me. I'm impenetrable.

This seemingly sudden change in mentality is ironic because I was literally JUST having a conversation with a friend today about how I believe liking someone only leads to bad juju. It leads to complications and messiness and insanity. But isn't that what life is all about? Messiness and complications and passion and insanity? So maybe it's time for me to be a little more open to something else. Because deep down in this cold, blackened out husk of a heart, I know that this is not the way she would want me to live my life.

Plus, do I really want Karma hunting me down, stringing me up, and putting me on the rack? No, because, torturing- if it doesn't have anything to do with sex- is not fun. However, this does not mean I'll stop my alcoholic shenanigans or socially awkward commentary on dating or life. It just means that this lesson- that I have sadly had the misfortune to learn tonight- takes a bit of precedence over the intense fear of intimacy that has become so intrinsic to my life.


So what does this really mean to this commitment phobic little blog? It means I'm still sarcastic, I'm still a naughty, reckless, irrepressible flirt and I will never, ever be the hearts and flowers type of girl (football fields and alcohol maybe?) but I'm tired of running. And I'm done hiding. And maybe I'm just a little bit done with breaking so many hearts.

25 comments:

Mr O said...

well you're kinda breaking my heart because you are coming to this conclusion before fate brings me to your area and I have the chance to be a candidate (yea, that's a Lost reference).

Seriously though, I'm kind of interested where life leads you now. It's always interesting when life takes a new turn. I'm just sorry events had to play out to cause the turn.

What about flowers and wine? Can that be a combo?

Good luck with your future in dealing with this news.

P.S. I am actually kind of disappointed in the lack of typos haha

TRUEMAN said...

Damn! 2 and a 1/2 bottles of wine deep?! I got some catching up to do.
Agreed. Life does ultimately lead to complications, messiness, and insanity. It lead me to your blog didn't it?
At least we know you're not commitment phobic towards your sarcastic "Miss Hilton" blog!

One and 5/8 more to catch up...Chee ers!

*uncorked said...

I love you.

otherworldlyone said...

I had the same epiphany a while back. It isn't any easier, but the rewards are potentially greater. So I hear. :)

Good luck, chick.

Lola Lakely said...

@Dearest Mr. O,

You can always be considered a candidate and maybe just maybe I'll still be single when fate brings you to my door. I'd count myself extremely lucky then. And if you are in the middle of that flowers and wine combo, then maybe that won't be so bad.

@Trueman- Looks like you were up just as I was heading back to bed. Nope, my blog is right now the only one for me. Cheers!

@uncorked- Should I have posted this? And I love you right back. Like infinity.

Lola Lakely said...

@otherworldlyone- That's comforting to hear. My head is still pounding from the hangover but it's nice to have someone wish me luck. No risk, no reward I guess.

Yankee Girl said...

I am so glad that I am not the only person who can drink 2 1/2 bottles of wine in one night. You just made me feel so much better about myself.

That being said....I'm totally on your side. It's hard to stand still, but it gets easier with practice.

TRUEMAN "Michael" said...

Hold on!...What kind of wine do you ladies drink?! Tell me it's some Moscato or Riesling..Because after 1 3/4 bottles of some nice red cab, I'm well into my "you're starting to look good" stage.
A glass or two more, I would be in my "you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I will probably not remember you the next day" stage.
2 1/2 in one night? "what happened..?"

Don't matter though...Glasses up. *cheers!

Lola Lakely said...

@Yankee Girl- Ugh. The whole next day I had a pounding, massive headache while working. It was rough. I'll have to make a mental note not to do that on a school niht again. Yeah, baby steps for me though. Not sure how this is going to work out.

@Trueman- I drink red and whites. However, this time it was Shiraz. Red Wine Headaches are the friggen worst.

Mr. Condescending said...

Just do whatever the f*ck you feel like, that's what I do!

Dr. Cynicism said...

Sounds like a wonderfully maturing Lola that will still be delivering her sauciness to the blog world and real world :-) Rock on!

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr. Condescending- Exactly. How 'bout you come down and visit and we'll do whatever the f+ck we like together.

@Dr. Cynicism- Yes, you can absolutely bet on my sauciness. That definitely won't change. Thanks for the support.

Madame DeFarge said...

You may still break hearts. I suspect that you will. But all of us have to step up to the plate sometimes. Even if the steps are a bit wobbly and drunken.

Crazy Newt said...

Welcome to the club. Your orientation card is in the mail. Make sure you sign up for our weekly meetings.

Lola Lakely said...

@Madame DeFarge- Me? Still breaking hearts? You are too kind. And yes those steps will definitely be a bit wobbly and severely drunken.

Lola Lakely said...

@Crazy Newt- Why hello there! Orientation card? Uhoh, are there like rules and stuff? I've never been very good at rules.

vodkaandgroundbeef.com said...

All I know is this: because you drink pints of beer that are bigger than your head, things are going to be OK. Plus, I like that picture on the black dresser.

Cheers.

linlah said...

jump in with both feet and paddle like crazy with the rest of is commited nuts.

bluntdelivery said...

does this mean you're done breaking my heart?

cus i can only handle so much?

so this means you're moving to chi and living in a compound with V and I?

awesome.

p.s. i know what you mean though. it is heart-breakingly short. especially when i feel like i've pissed away about a third of it already.

sigh.

Char said...

Yes, the wild rides our lives can take us on, and then suddenly- bam, there it is in your face. That moment when one finally realises they are not invinsible, and life could be over at any moment. I'm having one of those years too, and it led me to you. You have a delightful blog Lola!

Lola Lakely said...

@vodkaandgroundbeef- Yes, yes. I can always fall back on a pint of beer as big as my head. It's just so comforting. And cold. And big.

@linlah- Um... baby steps. Baby steps. Let's not use the word committed just yet. *shivers*

Blunt Delivery of my Heart-

Of course I'm not done with your heart. I am going to hold it close to mine in that commune that you and me and V will set up.

@Char- Welcome Char! It's nice to have you with us. I'm sorry you've been having one of those years too. And you did manage to catch one of my more humane moments. Most of the time, it's dirty and filthy in here. Thank you so much for your visit. I hope you stick around. ;)

Denny DelVecchio said...

Does this have something to do with your feelings for me?

Lola Lakely said...

@Denny- Crap, am I that transparent? Time to try and back pedal...

ladytruth said...

It's like a virus: once that bug has bitten you, it's pretty hard to get rid of it ;) And since I have fallen not-so-gracefully from the dating scene and I hate to be alone, I can't wait to hear what's going to be next for you :)

busana muslim said...

woww great post good luck