Monday, August 16, 2010

Lola vs. Simple Dating Rules #8, #9

It's been quite awhile since I've added to my list of dating rules. I bet you've missed my little pearls of wisdom. I was asked recently by a friend how I've managed to avoid emotional entanglements over the past two years. Occasionally, just occasionally, even I experience a chink in my armor. Luckily, I have a sure-fire way to patch it.

Simple Dating Rule #8- Lola's key to avoiding emotional entanglements.

Sleep with someone else. Preferably someone hotter and more interesting. Honestly, interesting can really be taken out of the equation. As long as you have hotter, you're probably fine.

Well, just until they turn crazy. Or start dropping things off on my doorstep, which amuses Kane to no end. He relishes making fun of the fact that I always seem to find the guy who has a penchant for this. I tend to run most of my emotionally bankrupt decisions by Kane so awhile ago, I was having this conversation with him about this guy who was interested in me and who, well, can barely string two sentences together and has a bit of a bad reputation.

Lola: So he's not really that bad.
Kane: (frustrated) Are you even listening to yourself right now? All I hear is blah blah blah... desperate for validation... blah blah blah.
Lola: Not really.
Kane: You're basically saying (severely high-pitched mocking voice) Um, it's not really that he's an asshole, it's just that he's an asshole.
Lola: Well...
Kane: He has no redeeming qualities. So he's an asshole with NO redeeming qualities. How do you not see a problem with this?
Lola: But he's so pretty.
Kane: .....

Simple Dating Rule #9- Never have your facebook open on your phone when a cute guy is asking for your number.

Way too Grown Up For Me Guy: Aww, that's a cute baby picture.
Lola: (confused) Um what?
WTGUFM Guy: Your profile picture, the one with you in the red wagon.
Lola: Oh no, um... that was taken last week.
WTGUFM Guy: ....

Good thing he didn't see the post about me stuffing a dead hooker in the trunk of my friend Kane's car. That might have pushed him over the edge.

Maybe I'm just too immature to date like an adult? 'Cause really, there are just times when I'd rather be chilling on my couch, eating mac and cheese with hot salsa and watching my latest show obsession. Fuck dinner and a movie. How about some mac and cheese, cold beer, and my couch? Followed by some seriously hot sex?


Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you'd be the perfect girlfriend for a man-ho.

Unknown said...

"Fuck dinner and a movie. How about some mac and cheese, cold beer, and my couch? Followed by some seriously hot sex?"

This is why I love you. And why our FB relationship has lasted almost 3 months. Can we do this for our 3 month anniversary? Although, I'd prefer some Chicago pizza, vodka and tequila, and being with you in my bed. Come back to me. I miss you. And you owe me a phone call.

Unknown said...

P.S. I'd totally settle for some mac and cheese, vodka and your couch. Sigh. I don't like beer.

Trinity said...

I don't know whether to envy your outlook or pity it. I see reasons for both.

Laura said...

@Gorilla Bananas- Know any good ones?

@uncorked- You are the longest and most meaningful relationship I've had. I can do Chicago pizza and almost any alcohol really. I owe you, not only a phone call, but my meager and fragile existence. I love you.

@Trinity- A little from column A and a little from column B, I suppose.

Robal Johnson said...

I'm game. x

Laura said...

@R. Johnson- Call me. ;)

Jeanette said...

Could you do me a solid and publish a book with rules and anecdotes that I could make into a Zombieland-esqe movie called Lolaland, which I would direct and star in? Thanks :)

blunt delivery said...

please don't use these tricks on me.

they won't work.

because you cannot escape this impenetrable emotional bond we've formed.

i know you're scared. and so am i.

just take this leap with me.

into an eternity of awesomeness.

owo said...

My BFF and I use that phrase to validate our terrible man choices. It's perfect. "But he's soooo pretty." Explains everything, doesn't it? ;)

FYI, if you were a man, I'd chase you around, leave things on your doorstep, and make you mac-n-cheese etc.

Hell, I might do it anyway.

Laura said...

@jeanette- Hahaha. My Zombie-Relationshipland post is just the beginning. Prepare to get a manuscript in the mail.

@blunt delivery- Please don't ever question my devotion to you. You and V are the only ones I would ever leap towards.

@otherworldlyone- Yeah, but my experiences with them usually end up leaving me completely unsatisfied. And please do. I think it would be flattering coming from you.