Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lola vs. The Wedding Streak

I'm notorious among my friends for having a certain agenda when it comes to weddings. Not know what I'm talking about? You must be new. Or you missed this wedding prostitution post. If you are too lazy to click through to another post -hey I don't blame you- let's just say that I have kind of a streak when it comes to weddings. So I hauled my dented moral compass along to one in Illinois this past weekend.

You know it's a good wedding when you wake up with a bow tie around your neck and a red dragon tattoo on your arm.

Actually the whole trip starting out with a bang. Not literally. Get your mind out of the gutter, readers. Wait, what am I saying? This is Lola. Place your mind firmly back in the gutters from whence you came and stay there. Forever.

I met this seriously cute airforce guy and his buddy on the plane, who had missed their earlier flight, and were now forced to sit in front of me/around me as penance. Somehow within the span of a two hour flight, I managed to wrangle myself a ride to the rental car place, a late lunch date on Sunday before my flight home, and a sight-seeing trip. When I met the groom-to-be for drinks at the hotel and filled him in on my eventful flight, he couldn't stop laughing. "Only you, Lola, would fly to Illinois and have a date lined up before you leave. Oh no, you're going to cause some serious trouble tomorrow, aren't you? Can you at least stay away from my brother?"

Oh ye, of little faith!

Unfortunately, I will not be able to divulge all of the trouble, due to protecting the inocent/guilty/criminally drunk. What I can tell you is that it involved the following:
  • Getting the wedding guests- including the bridal party- to all get fake tattoos from Wal-Mart (me & one of the ushers)
  • Drinking many, many glasses of whiskey and diet coke (me)
  • Spanking people with the table setting, which strangely resembled paddles (this actually wasn't me)
  • A rental car backing into a stop sign (not me!)
  • Losing a rental car (ok, this one was me)
  • Creating a fake wedding guest by the name of Ryan, who apparently is a lot like Chuck Norris, to mess with some annoying people (from another wedding) who crashed our wedding after-party on the hotel patio. We ended up being so convincing at describing Ryan that by the end of the conversation, one of the guys was completely brainwashed into thinking that 1) he had actually met fake Ryan 2) had gotten into an argument with Ryan and 3) that Ryan may just be the most terrifying/coolest man in existence.
  • Acquiring an unidentified bow-tie. Either from one of the groomsmen or one of the adorably young bartenders. (me)

Two quotes that defined the entire Illinois wedding experience:

"If you licked my carpet right now, I bet it would still taste like frosting." - Awesome Girl I met the night before the wedding. I'll let you determine what she was referring to.

"I don't know what this is but I'm going to stick it in my mouth anyway." - I have no recollection saying this at all. None. Or what the hell I was talking about. Stupid whiskey.

Still have no idea whose bow tie it was. Do you think it was a good idea for me to leave it at the front desk of the hotel? I'm sure that made me look stellar.

I bet you're all wondering whether the streak still stands? I will not confirm or deny. But I can tell you that air force guy is no longer seriously cute, due to circumstances he somehow forgot to inform me about. Like being married. And having a son.

#675 on the list of why Lola is still single.

Have a lovely, naughty weekend fellow bloggers.


blunt delivery said...

at first i thought this said "Lola vs. the Wedding Steak"

i was really excited.

i don't blame you if you lost your mind in illinois, it'll do that.

i love weddings. no better excuse to get ridiculously wasted and hate your life. and hit on everything.

i hate frosting.

Laura said...

Dearest Dream Wedding Date,

We are now officially in the month in which I can decalre my love for you face to face.

Let's set some frosting on fire while we do so.

Yours forever,


Yankee Girl said...

Chuck Norris was at the wedding? Really? Oh, that was just Ryan....I love that you made up a person. I love even more that someone actually thought he existed.

I would have loved to be the person at the front desk as you dropped off the bow tie. It would have made my day!

When I read you stories I wish I was single again.....

Gorilla Bananas said...

No one should blame you for letting your hair down at a wedding. Everything's allowed as long as you don't blow the groom.

Girl Interrupted said...

Oh well done for making weddings such a fun event, I loathe them, and will do pretty much anything to get out of attending one ... but then most of my friends are firmly committed to living in sin and my family members are as dull as ... well, something really, really dull.

I totally respect your decision to remain silent on the wedding streak status - but just tell me one thing ... did you leave the groom's brother alone?

Glad you had fun x

Unknown said...

I fucking love you.

Trinity said...

I don't get how you get into these situations but I wish I could have a video of your weekends to just watch in awe.

words...words...words... said...

I would like to produce a reality show starring you at weddings. I would also like Frosting Girl's number.

Madame DeFarge said...

Why are all the weddings I go to so boring by comparison? Even mine was boring. I want frosting on my carpet!

Jeanette said...

Oh man Laura, I will never tire of your texts I receive from events like this.

Phone call the next morning: "Jeanette I'm literally going to die"

Laura said...

@yankee girl- Yeah that was the most fun out of everything. It was just so random and everyone went with it effortlessly. I love Ryan. I think I'll bring him to the beach with me.

@Gorilla Bananas- Although if I did manage that one, I'd get some major points for blog gold now wouln't I?

@Girl Interrupted- The idea of open bar is just too damn hard to resist. I did leave the groom's brother alone!

@uncorked- I fucking love you back.

@words...- I could get behind that idea. I'll see if I can get her number for you.

@Madame DeFarge- I'm sure they are not boring if you are there! Next time, bring some frosting! Spread the joy of carpet frosting.

@Jeanette- Oh good god, that was such a funny conversation. I quite literally almost could not leave the state of illinois.