Monday, July 12, 2010

Lola vs. Beach Life Lessons & Betrayal

Lola is on vacation this week with the entire Lakely brigade, friends. Doing what? This.

Before I get back to detailing my regularly scheduled chaotic life, I would like to tell you a brief tale of betrayal, kidnapping, and vengeance. A coworker came into my office earlier in the week, desperate for some advice. The subject: Marriage.

"I should really start getting serious about getting a ring, that's what my girlfriend wants, but I really want God of War 3."

My advice?

"Well 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but God of War Three got a 9 out of 10 on Gamespot so that's like a 90% success rate. I'd go with the odds on this one." After a slightly disapproving- yet hopeful- look passed across his face, I shrugged. "What did you think was gonna happen when you come to the girl whose longest and most intimate relationship over the past year has been with Cherry Coke Zero?"

My Cherry Coke Zero was stolen from the office refrigerator a few days later.

First came denial. Then anger. Then the tears. And finally, the dramatic shaking of the fist to the sky, combined with a solemn vow of reciprocity and that speech from Gladiator on YouTube in the background of my office. ("My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next!")

Oh, I will have my revenge. But it will be after my vacation. I'll have had plenty of time to relax and plot. They'll be lulled into a false sense of security due to my absence. And when they least expect it, I'll strike.

Any ideas, fellow bloggers? Surely, no one should get away with this foul deed. Feel free to get down and dirty...


Gorilla Bananas said...

Put another cherry coke in the fridge after shaking it up good and hard. Return to fridge every hour to give it another shake while listening to Twist and Shout.

Anonymous said...


There's cherry Coke Zero?????? Why the hell haven't I seen that? Send it north, damn it.

Jeanette said...

I agree with Gorilla Bananas. That's a solid suggestion, almost as solid as your proposal suggestion.

*uncorked said...

Cherry Coke Zero is my favorite. Twinsies! I'll stock up for our night of debauchery in Chicago. Just over a week to go!

Kate said...

I stumbled onto your blog, this is my first time here. I love it.

linlah said...

Gorilla has a good idea, I say go with that, or next time the suspected offender is in your office pop open a shaken can right on him.

Madame DeFarge said...

I suppose it may depend what you used the can for.

blunt delivery said...


TWO DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?

otherworldlyone said...

I say bake them pot brownies and leave them in the kitchen area with a sign that says: Have at it. Everyone will be stoned and their tongues will be looser and maybe someone will squeal about who actually took your Cherry Coke Zero.

Then you can dish out an appropriate punishment to the thief. Plus! You'll all be stoned.


P.S. - I want you to work in MY office. I'd have so much more fun.