Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Lola vs. The Moral Compass, Mostly Dented

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me Right After I Get Out of a Longterm Relationship/ Reasons Why I May Have Been Called a Life Destroyer.

  1. I've actually responded to someone asking me if they could crash in my bed with me after random sex by saying,"Um... I guess... um... either way is fine with me dude."
  2. Number of guys I dated at the same time and mistakenly invited all of them to the show that I was performing in: 3. Oops.
  3. Things I've said in response to "Want to go to my little brother's play?" as a second date suggestion: "You want me to do what now?" (laughter followed immediately by an awkward pause) "Oh, you were serious?"
  4. The moment I developed slightly more than sexual feelings for this guy I was sort of dating last year, I went out and purposefully slept with someone else the very next night. He found out about it after the weekend and texted me: "Yeah, I think it's better that we're just friends."
  5. Number of people I have pretended not to know after hooking up with them in the past year: 2
  6. Number of guys I have actually forgotten I've slept with: 2
  7. Number of guys I've actually slept with: Ha... you didn't really think I was gonna reveal that one did you?
  8. After hooking up with someone the entire night during/after a wedding, one of his friends hit on me. I responded to this, by slapping my hand on his chest, looking up at him and saying,"You do realize that I've spent the entire night with ______." He said yes. So of course, I shrugged and then spent the next hour hooking up with _________'s friend.
  9. After someone said to me,"Do you think your mom would like me?", I stared at him, mouth open, for a good ten minutes and then never called him again.
  10. Times I've cancelled a date because I've gotten my period and didn't want to sit through dinner without the possibility of sex afterwards: 4

Now I probably shouldn't admit this but there's really only one on that list that I actually regret doing. Yeah, Karma is totally going to kick my ass.

I once nominated a friend to make all of my decisions one night since mine always lack...you know... any moral fiber (see numbers 1-6 and then 8-10). Yeah, that didn't work out so well either. I ended up accidentally having sex with an ex of mine.

At least I could blame someone else for that bad decision. But 1-10, clearly mine.

Before going into this weekend and right after making this list, I realized that I need to recalibrate my tarnished, dented, and erratically spinning moral compass. Then I went to the NYC brewfest. And I came home without a bra. With no recollection where it went.

I guess if you can't remember it, it doesn't get added to the list. Oh well, I suppose there's always next weekend to find a new needle for that broken compass of mine.

19 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you're a woman in need of her own harem.

Mr. Condescending said...

I need to hang a big portrait of you over my fireplace.

R. Johnson said...

I am in dire need of a night with Miss Lola... like stat. xo

Trinity said...

God your life is more interesting than mine. You have the makings of a TV show. Maybe you should guest star on Jersey Shore.

Lola Lakely said...

@Gorilla- Now that's a plan I could get behind. As long as each member is equally filled with Lola worship.

@Mr. C- I'll commission an artist to do so. Send me your address.

@R. Johnson- Are you back on the east coast babe? If so, hit me up!


@Trinity- I may be crazy but I'm not dirty. I'd rather not risk the HIV just to guest star on the Jersey Shore. Although, I'm sure it would make me feel a whole lot better about myself.

Candice said...

I'm not sure whether to feel better about my own life, or envious of yours. At least somebody's getting laid.

words...words...words... said...

I don't know what the hell I've been doing with my time.

Lola Lakely said...

@Candice- Feel better about your life trust me. Karma is one step away from beating me into submission.

@words...words...words... Probably something way more productive and less morally reprehensible.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Shhh, don't tell anyone but my best friend and I were just making "the list" last night and had to use a couple of X's in place of some names we couldn't remember. Luckily she has a paper shredder and our hubbys are none the wiser. We agreed that it's a good thing we have each other as a reminder for those black out nights...

Jeanette said...

I wish I could come to NJ and we could dent our moral compasses together... BTW your texts the other night were amazing!

Girl Interrupted said...

As Wayne and Garth would say ... WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!

Lola Lakely said...

@Stereos and Souffles- I won't tell a soul! But at least you graduated from those nights to a husband. That is definite progress and I salute you!

@Jeanette- Could you email me some? I may have deleted them...

@Girl Interrupted- No, you are most definitely waaaaaay worthier than I. Far, far, far worthier.

Critty Critty Bang Bang said...

Alright, I'm now hooked on your blog after stumbling across it.
No mercy, you are my new girl crush!lol

Lola Lakely said...

@Critty Critty Bang Bang- Awww, thank you. I love being someone's new girl crush. And thanks for following this naughty little blog. It's always nice getting a new reader.

linlah said...

Do not get a new compass, moral north is a lie.

Yankee Girl said...

This is the best list I have ever seen! I think your moral compass is perfect where it's at....I mean, it produces awesome stories and reading material for others!

I had 3 dates at my sisters wedding. At some point during the night they all found out about each other-lucky for me I was in the wedding party so I didn't have to sit with any of them...but they all sat at the same table-and two of them still wanted to see me! Stupid guys...

Lola Lakely said...

@linlah- Moral North sits on a throne of lies!

@Yankee Girl- Thanks, although I'm thinking I'm reaching the point of my life when I need to adjust the needle a bit! And I am giving you MAJOR props for the 3 dates at the same wedding thing. That is definitely dented compass worthy in my book.

Madame DeFarge said...

I think moral compasses are vastly overrated. Just look at the sun and the stars and you've never be lost. Sunblind yes, but lost no.

Mr O said...

If i knew how to draw, I would like to be the one to make the pic for Mr C. I may learn how to draw just to do that.

Because this post should put you in the Hall of Fame. Not even for a certain category, just THE Hall of Fame.