Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Lola vs. Maturity

Between nursing a serious crush on Arrested Development, 234897 barbecues, flying to Columbus and getting my identity stolen, I was accused of something completely and utterly heinous.

Being mature.

Yeah, I know. Me. Of Bachelor Party, Hustler Club, skinny dipping with an entire British hockey team fame.

And like everything else in my life this accusation revolves around sex. Because I actually refused it, not once, but twice recently.

Yeah, I know. Me. Of I will sleep with someone purely because they have an accent, Wedding Matritution fame.

The boys and I went out to see my friend's band play and after wandering off from my group, I gained entrance into the dancing trust circle of some guys I had met. I spent awhile conversing/dancing/singing with their leader but got distracted as he was asking for my number when my friend finished his last set and jumped offstage. So I completely left random guy, staring after me, most likely in mid-sentence or at the very least mid phone flip as I launched myself into the arms of my friend B.

After stumbling out of the bar around 3am, the boys had this to say:

Z: We totally thought you were gonna bone that guy.
Lola: Wait. What? I don't always go around boning guys.
Z: Let's go with statistical analysis on that one.
Kane: (whispers) Whore.
Lola: First, no one trusts me to be designated driver-
Z: You were drinking tequila at the time-
Lola: (ignoring Z)- And then everyone assumes I'm just going to sleep with random guys every weekend. (shouting now) I am not an alcoholic sex fiend! (cue many, many drunken catcalls from the alleyways)
Kane: (whispers) Whore.

The second incident involves a guy I had met a little while ago and we briefly dated (sort of). Someone got a little more serious (him) and someone ran away (me) and someone (him) decided to cool things off because someone was also dating other people at the time (me). Something occured recently (alcohol) in which the situation changed a bit (alcohol) and we ended up in a place (alcohol) where we almost hooked up. And it was me who stopped anything before it started. Yup. Me.

I explained both incidences to a girlfriend of mine over the phone as I was running errands. She chalked the first one up to always putting my friends above "boning" but she was entirely too interested in the second one for my taste. In fact, I believe the first words she said were,"Awww, look at you caring about someone else's feelings."

I responded by making loud vomit noises. In front of two children, who had taken that moment to sneak up behind me as I was loading up my basket full of Cherry Coke and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. They looked horrified.

I gave the children a half-hearted apologetic shrug and focused back to my friend on the phone, who was now saying, "Wow, I'm so proud. My little Lola is finally growing up and being mature."

I responded to this last one a bit more violently by declaring: "Just for that, I am so going to sleep with the next random guy who walks by!" Which happened to be a 70 year old man, as I was in the pharmacy section of CVS at the time.

Ok, so maybe maturity was a bit of a stretch.


Anonymous said...

Haha, dude. Never make promises in CVS. It can never end well. You're always left owing something heinous to someone with hemorrhoids. Um....allegedly.

I laughed out loud at the "Awww, look at you caring about someone else's feelings." line. :) Hahaha! Sorry.

owo said...

Hey, look at it this way: You're already a legend. There's no need to do anything else drastic.

Seriously though, I've found myself turning down random one nighter opportunities lately too. When it's been far, far too long since I've gotten laid.

Maturity or bipolar disorder? We may never know.

Anonymous said...

Were you looking for another karmic bitch slap of judgement from another CVS employee?

Trinity said...

So, was the 70 year old any good in the sack?

Unknown said...

Great post :) I was called "compliant" last week and I busted out laughing.

Girl Interrupted said...

Bleh! Maturity is seriously overrated in my opinion (I was flashing my boobs and air-guitaring as I said that).

Kane does make me laugh ... nearly as much as you do.

Laura said...

@Vegetable Assassin- Yeah, I really should no better. I don't have a good rep with the people at CVS. If I hadn't been making vomit noises, I might have just been laughing to so no need for apologies.

@otherworldlyone- I've reached legendary status, huh? Not sure if this should make me proud or sad. I'm going with the first one. For me, it's all about the sparkage. And perhaps if either of them had been high on the Lola Spark O'Meter, this might have been a very different posting.

@Anonymous- Not looking for one, but somehow they just always seem to find me.

@Trinity- I can not comment on that at this time.

@uncorked- Pliant perhaps. Compliant? Hmmmm, I'll have to think about that one.

Laura said...

@Girl Interrupted- Honestly, if there is one place where flashing boobs and air-guitaring is allowed- nay- encouraged, it would be this silly little red headed blog. I hope K doesn't read through the comments because there would be no stopping his head as it explodes if he read yours. I'll try not to be jealous... as long as I am really the only one for you.

Madame DeFarge said...

Maturity is exceptionally overrated and only promoted by those who have forgotten how to enjoy themselves.

Jeanette said...

Oh my gosh, Arrested Development is my one true love in life. Find Jason Bateman and get him to marry me, mmmmk? Also WHOA slow down on the maturity hahaha

Laura said...

@Madame DeFarge- I don't think I'm ever in danger of ever forgetting to enjoy myself.

@Jeanette- I know. He is just completely delicious in that show.

linlah said...

Please don't grow up or become mature because I've already done that for you and it's not nearly as much fun.

Laura said...

@linlah- I promise I will try to stay at my 5 year old mentality! For the sake of the blog.

blunt delivery said...

Light of my life,

You know how jealous i get when you speak of boning other guys, or girls.

but you almost redeem yourself by your love of cinnamon toast crunch. almost.

awaiting the day i will see your face,


Laura said...

Dearest Cinnamon on top of My Toast Crunch,

I promise to keep my talk of boning other guys to a minumum.

Anxiously awaiting July,


Mr O said...

I can't believe I missed this.

The combo of Cherry Coke/Cinnamon Toast makes this post a win on so many levels.

Also, jeanette got me into Arrested Development and I am forever grateful.

I really wish I would have walked into CVS that day...

Travel Consultant said...

I absolutely refuse to become mature.