Thursday, May 27, 2010

Lola vs. The Safety Net

What is the best part about having degenerate friends?

The sheer fact that no matter what you do, having them around, automatically makes the idiocy that you accomplish pale in comparison.

It's like having one big safety net. My safety net, at least as of late, consists of Kane and PF Cheng. How did I come to this conclusion? Chatting with my friend Charlie. When it comes to derelictity (yeah not a word- but I like the sound of it), he is the master. He is the Miyagi to my Daniel. The Mickey to my Rocky. The Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez to my Connor MacLeod. He has been shaping me in the ways of the young padawan derelict.

After my friend Charlie received an exclusive invitation to attend this special master of whisky tasting event, we had a rather enlightening conversation on what was holding me back from becoming a better degenerate.

Lola: I am very proud to call you my friend after the exclusive invite you received by Master of Whisky.
Charlie: Thank you. Finally my derelict lifestyle has paid off.
Lola: Whisky and Lola are not a good combination. It always leads to trouble.
Charlie: I resemble that statement. Tequila as well. I believe it's because I don't like either. So if there is a situation where I am drinking either of the 2 it's already way too late.
Lola: Very. Very true. And very, very dangerous.
Charlie: Too true.
Lola: However, it's always fun when you are not the one causing the danger. So that you can rib them without mercy. That's always great.
Charlie: I'm usually on the other side of that coin.
Lola: Actually it's been Kane or PF Cheng lately. So I've been safe.
Charlie: Well yeah hanging with those two is a huge handicap. Lol.
Lola: Hahaha. I LOVE it. No matter what I do, it just doesn't compare.
Charlie: Yup you would have to lose an appendage, or wind up in a Thai prison to top them.
Lola: You win the "degenerate friend of the day" comment.
Charlie: Holla!!!
Lola: My little conversations with you make life worth living.
Charlie: Awww thank you. That and the fact that my day at work is over made me so happy
Lola: You do realize, that this needs to go up on my blog right?
Charlie: Uh oh. My mother always told me that one day my actions would be influential in the writing of a blog and several state laws.

After a fight which started because I misspelled the word Mogwai and lead to the foundation of our relationship cracking and eventually the defriending of me off of facebook, we continued our conversation.

Lola: Ok, if it will rebuild the fragile strand of friendship that remains, I will commit to a derelict act.
Charlie: Yes! I am doing evil, Mr Burns like writhing of my hands as I text this.
Lola: I would hope so.
Charlie: I try my best not to disappoint
Lola: No, that's apparently my job.
Charlie: Well now, come on, if you are really that good at something is it really work?
Lola: Wow, so now according to my friends I am really good at disappointment and leaving a path of destruction in my wake. Nice.
Charlie: Join the club. That's how I built my reputation. I can never disappoint because of what is now expected of me.
Lola: Low expectations are key. Got it.

Due to my penchant for abusing whisky, I have had some strip club mania, several bouts of random sex (okay, more than several), the occasional dating of would be serial killers or crazy men in uniform, skinny dipping in the ocean with a hockey team but apparently all of this just isn't enough for my SDB (sensei of derelict behaviour).

Just what do I have to do to gain my sensei's respect and tear my safety net to shreds? The clock is ticking and I need to accomplish this feat this weekend or my friendship with SDB just might be irreparable.

So I turn to you, dear readers, for your most inventive suggestions.


Girl Interrupted said...

Hmm ... this is going to require a great deal of thought! You've already covered so many of the derelict fundamentals that it's difficult to know where you can go from here.

There's the sheep thing - but no, I'm too fond of you and too much of an animal lover to suggest anything of THAT nature.

Do you have any important sporting events happening this weekend? Cos there's always the streaking, butt naked, across a sports field on national TV thing?

I'm looking forward to seeing what other people come up with!

Ps: It's great to see you back too :)

Laura said...

@Girl INterrupted-

You have no idea how much I've missed you. And yes, I think we can refrain from animals being a part of the derelict act.

No important sporting events that I am going to. Maybe a pick-up softball game. Althought that would include my friends and that wouldn't be good.

Me too! I've gotten some interesting suggestions over email but nothing I want to repeat.

Heart you!

Surprisingly Bright said...

This really is a tough one. And the only thing I can think of is crackhead. I think you have to become a crackhead and maybe get pregnant. You'd be like the ultimate derelict and no one would ever question your devotion again. I mean they probably won't talk to you anymore but whatevs. I'll still talk to you and I'll even throw some change your way every now and then.

Anonymous said...

It should come as no surprise that I would say you are confining your derelictity too close to home (despite the hockey team incident - an unusual straying from your domestic tendencies). You need to get out and "spread your wings" a bit further afield. Resist the urge to stay near home, and choose instead to inflict yourself upon the rest of the world.

Now I think I am speaking more about myself than you, Lola. Time for self-reflection... OK, enough.

Maybe @Surprisingly Bright also has a valid point about devotion, but then again you like flirting with the possible, and avoiding a total commitment.

Laura said...

@Surprisingly Bright- You don't watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, do you? Because if you have, you'd see the kind of derelictity, I can only strive one day for. And it makes my heart smile that even when cracked out and preggers, you would still throw change at me.

@Anonymous- So where would you suggest I go? I could use some new places to spread my derelict wings. I could do Ireland. Mmmmm the Irish.

Sigh, maybe I just need that right man to come along to get me out of my relationships-make-me-want-to-vomit stage? Maybe he'sto be Irish. With Glasses. And willing to do very naughty things.

Anonymous said...

You might just learn a thing or two in Bangkok or Bratislava or Barcelona. But I find your Ireland proposal to be interesting... maybe your previous escapades on other islands have simply whetted your appetite for destruction.

Madame DeFarge said...

Lola, I will be useless to you. I look to you for inspiration, so can't help at all. My life is a dull palette without your colour.

Laura said...

@Anonymous- Mmmm appetite for destruction. I am maniacally laughing as I type this.

@Madame DeFarge- Me? An inspiration? I am struck by the irony of this. But if someone must bring color to your palette, I shall take up my little redheaded paintbrush and have at it! I can't guarantee it will be recognizable though when I am through.

Anonymous said...

If you were to eat the "gummi bear casserole" then these answers, along with many other hideous images would come to you in visions. Neck strap drinks never hurt either.

linlah said...

Haven't we talked about this whiskey thing before?

Jeanette said...

Remember that time I'm coming to visit. I DEMAND TO HANG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

That is all... oh wait no it's not! Let me know if I gotta beat that lady up!

Mr O said...

I wish I had some ideas, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing

However, I just want to state that another of my goals is to have an actual face-to-face conversation with you that you have to put on your blog.

A lot of goals are starting to involve you lately, is that weird?

Laura said...

@Anonymous- And a lightbulb has just went off above my head. I have finally figured out your identity. This fills me with glee. And gummi-beary goodness.

@linlah- We have. Sadly, I have no will power. Although, in this case that's a plus.

@Jeanette- Yes. Please kick her ass and please come down. Let me see if we can work out the infamous Beer BQ thing.

Lovely Mr. O,

Anytime. Anytime. And not weird because the feeling is definitely mutual. Especially after you having called my favorite Minus the Bear song. You rock.

mo.stoneskin said...

To be perfectly honest your respect may now beyond redemption. However you may just about be able to earn it back if you, after an exciting and skinny-dip-filled whiskey tasting session, pass a spelling test with flying colours. I'd be happy to set the test.

Laura said...

@mo- Say it isn't so! Oh whatever shall I do without my SDB's respect? It is a holliday weekend with lots of BBQ's. Hopefully this will lead me to some sort of body of water. Send me the spelling test and I'll drunk text it to someone. Thanks for the wonderful suggestion!

Mr. Condescending said...

I missssssed you terribly Lola! :(

Did you start visiting casinos yet like I suggested ages ago? You'll find the perfect man, you'll get a bunch of free whiskey, and you can enjoy random casino sex!

I think me, you, V, and Blunt should all blow like 50 grand at the craps table, get filthy drunk, and then snort crushed adderall off each others bodies all night.

Lizz said...

Oh, to be a derelict! My only suggestion is what anyone from the Great Lakes area calls 'Party Island'. Noone knows you there and even better the moment you step foot on the island you have these very bad (good in your case) ideas to be destructive. This wonderful place I am talkinf about is Put-in-Bay, Ohio, it is located on South Bass Island in the middle of Lake Erie and there are more bars then a prison, (also a winery)!!! Have fun! It's a blast.

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr. C- Actually, I was in a casino in aruba earlier in the year but sadly it isn't the same when you are traveling with family. But I second the random casino sex.

And I think that me + you + V + Blunt + adderall off each others naked bodies = HEAVEN

@Lizz- I am in Ohio very soon. Maybe I'll need to check this place out. I can feel my sensei's approval.

Candice said...

I can't even comment on anything else until you do a blog post about skinny dipping with a hockey team.

Yankee Girl said...

I must be a novice derelict because I thought all of the things you did were definitely hardcore. That sort of makes me sad because now I am farther away from being a derelict than I imagined.

blunt delivery said...

ok. i have no suggestions for you. but dearest star in my northern sky i must tell you that i was chatting online today, facebook style, and one of my coworkers mentioned it was good seeing me out last wednesday.

um, no recollection of seeing him. or talking to him. or getting home.

it appears i have a penchant for whiskey sours. many of them.