Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Lola vs. The Bachelor Party

This past weekend I was bachelor party bound. Yes, I said bachelor party. And no, I did not jump out of a cake. Or swing from a pole. Or have sex in the champagne room. Which was what the majority of my friends asked when I told them what I was doing. Seriously, who do they think I am? Some shameless hussy? I'm going to pause for a moment and enjoy the fact that I got to use the word hussy, as it's kind of a favorite of mine. OK, done ruminating over how the word hussy makes me giddy. And on to my weekend, or what little I remember of it.

So how did I end up at a bachelor party? Well, if you are a loyal follower of this blog, you are well aware that some of my closest friends are guys. Even though this particular friend and I are separated by several states and miles upon miles of turnpike, we've stayed extremely close over the 8 years we've known each other. He is one of the best people I know and has, in fact, driven those miles at the drop of a hat when I've needed him. Several times. I'm incredibly lucky to have him in my chaotic life.

So when he asked me to attend his bachelor party how could I say no? I mean, all the fun and none of the real responsibility of a groomsman? Sign me up! (You didn't really think I could stay sentimental for more than one paragraph, did you?)

After a hellishly long hung-over drive back to New Jersey, I was on my coma couch desperately trying to piece together the events of last night. The evidence in my camera and purse (drunkitemizing at its finest!) suggests several things:
  1. I started drinking between the hours of 5 and 6pm. With my friend's future brother-in-law and his friend, both of whom I had never met. Before meeting up with the bachelor.
  2. I challenged the last bar to an epic ski ball battle. I was reigning champion for quite some time mostly due to the fact that one of the guys started berating strangers so that I could hold on to my win. Then he wrestled the title out from under me. He is now dead to me.
  3. One of us may or may not have been arrested and fingerprinted for prostitution.

    Photobucket

  4. I spent some time in the men's bathroom. At least 4 pictures worth of time. Since writing this post and being utterly confused by this particular event, I have discovered that the reason why I was in the urinal is because one of the guys insisted I absolutely had to see the best urinals in DC. Sounded like a good idea at the time? Stupid whiskey.
  5. My coat was stolen.
  6. I was in someones house at some point. There was rum involved.
  7. I got into a fight with many tiny pirates. Apparently I stole their swords in order to humiliate them because 25 tiny multi-colored rapiers were scattered around my purse the next morning.
  8. An Irishman gave me his card, after he accosted me on my way back to the guys. Despite my notorious weakness for accents, I wasn't interested in him but what I find interesting about his card, is that I wrote "He's Irish!!!" in drunken scrawl on the back. Just in case I forgot. Which I obviously did until I found his card this morning. This also leads me to wonder whether he saw me write on the card. Stupid Whiskey.
  9. My coat was found. By one of the guys. Because he had been wearing it.

Alas, we did not venture into strip club territory. Sadly, no eastern European lesbian strippers for me. I reserve that honor only for friends who get recently separated from their wives. Thanks again Cooper for that one.

Are you wondering if I left off any scandalous behaviour on the above list? Gosh, of course not. What do you take me for? Some shameless hussy?

Hope you had as much fun during your weekend as I did, fellow bloggers. Do send me some stories. Or at the very least some drunk texts.


26 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

See? Wasn't that ultimately MORE fun when you rediscovered the events as they were drip fed back to you the next day? I think so! :)

mo.stoneskin said...

I want to know who these "tiny pirates" were and what they were doing in the mens' room. Presumably you got the rum from the pirates.

otherworldlyone said...

Yes, but...prostitution? BWAHAHAHA!

You.Are.Awesome.

carissa said...

Sounds like a freaking blast.. you're right being groomsman with no responsibility is the best role ever. Plus I'm really a fan of your use of "drunkenmatize." I may have to use that.. because I do it quite often!

Trinity said...

I honestly don't know what I would do if a woman came into the mens room while I was in there. I guess it depends no how drunk I am but that seems slightly uncomfortable for me.

Lola Lakely said...

@The Vegetable Assassin- I do admit that I got a certain amount of amusement from trying to figure out what happened based around the items in my purse. I can't tell you how hard I laughed at the Irishman's card.

@mostoneskin- That's an excellent point. Perhaps I plundered the pirates of their rum and their swords. In the men's room?

@otherworldlyone- So they tell me. I also get a fair amount of "she's trouble." I also did find out where that picture came from. It's not as interesting as I wanted to believe.

@carissa- If it is one thing I wanted to impart on the world, it's the new phrase of drunkitemizing.

@Trinity- Not to worry! He scouted out the men's room first, to ensure that there were no stragglers, so that I could visit with "the best urinals in DC" in peace.

Candice said...

I can't believe you were invited to a bachelor party, you are the coolest person I know. Let's party.

Lola Lakely said...

@Candice- Oh, yes. Come and play with me in NJ.

Surprisingly Bright said...

You're like a detective. I can see you now, standing over a table, arranging and rearranging the night’s residuals. Do the 25 tiny multi-colored rapiers come before or after the Irishman's business card? Did I have my coat on while I was in the urinal? These are all great questions resulting in what appears to have been one great night.

Lola Lakely said...

@Surprisingly Bright- I am the drunk detective. With the ability to brave hang-overs and plug the holes in black-outs everywhere! What kind of theme song should I have?

Stereos and Souffles said...

Hmmm. All I did was plant some new flowers over the weekend.

Auri said...

Lola... once again I feel like we're 'sisters of party' separated at birth =) There's nothing wrong with going in a men's bathroom... And anyone who tells you otherwise needs to get back on the mayflower!
So yah, hope you've recovered=)

Mr O said...

I love how many times the word hussy was used in this post.

I'm glad your coat was found by someone who was wearing it AND that the guy who wrestled something from you is dead to you. Because the only person who should wrestle anything from you is me. Dammit.

If I ever get married, you are so invited.

Yankee Girl said...

This sounds like the best weekend ever!

If all of that stuff happened to me in one weekend I am sure my head would explode.

Lola Lakely said...

@Stereos and Souffles- I think this post may suggest that I need to plant flowers on the weekends instead.

@Auri- I still don't know why I thought it was a good idea- even though he insisted.

My Lovely Mr. O- Me too. Hussy for the win! Hmmmm, wrestling with you is something I find quite interesting. Do tell me more... ;)

@Yankee Girl- It was pretty fun. I do remember that the whole ski ball battle was incredibly important for me. And it made me very sad to lose. Thanks for stopping by!

Simon said...

This is one of the few advantages of being a woman: for some reason there is a far greater stigma attached to being arrested for prostitution if you’re a man.

I’m also very fond of the word ‘hussy’, and use it whenever I can. I find it particularly effective in conjunction with the adjective ‘shameless’ – I am not sure why.

Simon said...

P.S. The last time I had occasion to use the term ‘shameless hussy’ was a couple of weeks ago, when one of my online-pseudo-daughters announced that she’d persuaded her ex-boyfriend to take her to lunch and the movies, despite the fact that he has a new girlfriend. I trust you have never done anything of the sort.

Lola Lakely said...

Simon- It is one of the few advantages. Although I often find that another advantage is to get people arrested for crimes that you've commited yourself. That's always a good time.

And of course, I have never done anything of the sort. Far worse maybe.

Marty Wombacher said...

Great blog, Lola! Sounds like a fantastic party and I'm a major fan of the word, "hussy." Thanks for giving me the excuse to type it in!

Lola Lakely said...

@Marty- I aim to please. ;)

linlah said...

Don't curse the whiskey I know all my best stories start with "we were doing shots of Wild Turkey and..."

Lola Lakely said...

@linlah- I always, always do stupid things on whiskey. But you are right, the stories that arise out of my stupidity are always good.

Madame DeFarge said...

This sounds rather fun. But surprised you let anyone beat you at ski ball. No wonder they're dead to you. Make an effigy of them and stab them with the little pirate rapiers.

Lola Lakely said...

@Madame DeFarge- That is perhaps the BEST suggestion I have ever heard. Oh. yes, there will be effigy burning and stabbing.

Girl Interrupted said...

I have a fantasy about little tiny pirates, they all look like Johnny Depp, except they're not actually tiny, and those swords are really ...

Ahem!

Excellent post. Most entertaining.

Ps: I still wish we lived in the same country, getting drunk and being mistakenly arrested for prostitution is actually on my "List of things to do without my Mother ever finding out".

words...words...words... said...

It appears that you would have an excellent case if you should decide to sue the creators of "The Hangover" for traveling forward in time to witness this evening and then going back to their own time to make the movie.