Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Lola vs. Kane-tastic Days of Drunken Asians

Alas, it has been awhile since Kane has made an appearance in my blog. I know you all have been wondering what must have befallen the man, the myth, the legend of Kane. To those of you who are new, he has been an essential part of the Insanity in Lola Lakely: Life, Love and the Pursuit of from the very beginning. When he cast me aside for the city of Boston last weekend, I was inconsolable. Despite the Pop Rocks and Grape Vodka. I thought the only way I would ever be able to live again would be if he shared his experiences with our mutual friend with all of you. So without further ado, I give you my illustrious BFF...

Dear Lola-ites,

I visited Boston this past weekend and would like to share with you some short stories of drunken belligerence as experienced by a group of three friends. As usual, please take my mean jokes for what they are: sarcastic humor with no underlying malice. And if you don’t like my sense of humor, please email all complaints to kissmypaleass@goeffyourself.com.

Though three of us were in Boston, the real hero of our story is a tiny asian man by the name of Peter Cheng. To save space I will refer to him from now on as P.F.

Giving P.F. alcohol is like feeding a gremlin after midnight. Some sort of chemical imbalance occurs which causes him to lose all impulse control and generally cause mayhem in all its forms. Consider the following examples:

  • P.F. saw a girl walking down the hallway of our hotel. Being the quintessential ladies’ man, he said, “Hey! You have a vagina! How’s your vagina doing today?” Strangely, she did not respond to his mating query, which was clearly her loss. Idiot. You missed out on the best thing that ever happened to you. Fool.

  • P.F. was being extremely loud in our hotel room, discussing intellectual topics such as how “it’s pee-pee time” and, “no, I won’t shtop drinking!” Suddenly, for no particular reason, he said, “ok, I’m taking my shirt off now” and proceeded to remove the garment in question from his upper torso. Though I cannot speak for the other guy in the room, I personally was not excited at the prospect of seeing a bare-chested man. Naturally, it was right at this moment that hotel management knocked on our door to give us a noise violation. I distinctly remember the look on the manager’s face as his eyes fell upon the shirtless, raving lunatic behind me. It was fear mixed with awe… like how you’d feel if you were standing a few feet away from a tornado. Only, this tornado was asian, and it had no shirt on.

  • P.F. yelled at a girl in a hotel lobby for wanting to join a sponsored group of female gamers that help sell videogame products. This is because they are chosen not for their gaming skills, but for how attractive they are. I told him that if he doesn’t like hot girls that are hired to sell products, he should get mad at every model that ever existed. He then assured me that they were no different from prostitutes, because clearly there is no difference between girls that are paid to play videogames, and girls that are paid to pleasure men’s genitals. Then he burped. Then it was pee-pee time again.

  • P.F. reassured a 45-year-old woman that she should continue to have sex with her husband, even at her age, because her “vagina still works”. Thankfully, the woman laughed at his comment. She was not taking him seriously due to the fact that he was wearing a custom-made Pokemon hat.

  • So there P.F. was, shirtless and foaming at the mouth. After a long period of silence, he said, “Let’s get ripped, dude! Me and you! We’ll go to the gym five days a week! Yeeaah! We’ll call it…Operation Fat Fuck! Let’s stop being fat fucks, dude!” How could I resist such an eloquent proposal? Then P.F. implored me to punch his fist with mine. I did so, to avoid further discussion. And thus, Operation Fat Fuck was born.

The moral of this story? If you or someone you know loses all control of their impulses when drunk, you should encourage this behavior. Otherwise, what else is there to blog about? Your drab, wretched life isn’t all that interesting, and neither is mine. Now I must go…for it is pee-pee time.

Hugs and Kisses,


Ok, so I added the hugs and kisses part. But that's because I own this blog. And even the legend of Kane must submit to my whims and fancies. Feel free to send along your own tiny drunken asian man stories. Of which, I'm sure, you all have many.


Simon said...

Surprisingly, I don’t know any tiny drunken Asian man stories. But I do admire a man who isn’t afraid to ask an unfamiliar woman about the health of her vagina. Most men would be too bashful, which is a shame.

And full marks for the line ‘Only this tornado was Asian, and it had no shirt on.’

mo.stoneskin said...

On this evidence, feeding a gremlin after midnight sounds like a great idea. Can't believe P.F (why not P.C?) used the "v" line, I've never found it very effective...

Unknown said...

Is it wrong that I pictured the little Asian guy from The Hangover throughout this whole story. Also, I'm now craving PF Chang's and want some GD lettuce wraps. Well done Kane, well done. Lola, you should bring Kane to Chicago with you in August. I also still think we should do our "The Holiday" switch sometime.

Jeanette said...

My best friend is an asian woman and while dhe doesn't get crazy, she gets very... moody when drunk. One St. Patty's day she decided she liked everyone at the party but my roommates brother. For the rest of the night she was all giggles, smiles and rainbows for everyone but Kevin. As soon as she saw Kevin it was like looking into the face of pure malice. I was worried for his safety.

I've now seen this happen on many occasions with many different innocent souls, it's more and more tragic each time.

Kelly and Sara said...

So funny! Makes me wish I was there. Brand new to the blog world. Check out our blog at:
Sounds like we have a lot of the same kind of nights as you do, we just haven't had time to write about them all yet.

Candice said...

I want a drunk Asian friend! Lucky!

linlah said...

I'd comment but it's pee-pee time.

blunt delivery said...

dearest reason for my existence,

were you handed the pop rocks and vodka by those creepy ass three olives girls with hot pink wigs and silver metallic dresses? that's how they do it in chicago. maybe if you'd move here, you'd know.

only bitter because i can't be with you,


Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Pokemon hat? I want one.

Mr O said...

"It was fear mixed with awe… like how you’d feel if you were standing a few feet away from a tornado. Only, this tornado was asian, and it had no shirt on."

How can you top that kind of story?

bluntdelivery said...

hey you. turns out, you really are the love of my life. because the person i thought was the love of my life, i recently found out has been fucking someone else the whole time.

i may or may not have written a blog about it.

miss you. love you

blunt delivery said...

april 6th??? really? who are you trying to be, me?