Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lola vs. The Olympic Commitee

Dear Olympic Committee –

We were watching the winners of the pairs figure skating perform on Sunday and, sadly, we have to admit we weren't really paying a whole lot of attention. When we glanced at the screen we noticed the female skater was wearing a ballet outfit while her partner was in a hockey jersey. This immediately caught our attention and we got incredibly excited that they might possibly be performing an interpretive ice-dance of the classic inspirational hockey /ice skating film The Cutting Edge. After watching for a few more minutes we were severely disappointed to learn we were wrong and this was merely a traditional performance.

However, this made us realize that there should be an additional category in Olympic Figure Skating – 80’s Films and Television Shows: Interpretive Dance. This new category has the power to truly revolutionize the figure-skating world as we know it. The possibilities are endless! Imagine being able to see classics such as Say Anything, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, McGuyver, Moonlighting, Magnum P.I. etc. come to life in front of your very eyes. Let's be honest, who wouldn't want to witness Ducky get his figure-skating groove on in front of a very reluctant let's-just-be-friends-even-though-I'm-leading-you-on-while-making-my-own-prom-dress-to-go-with-the-most-popular-boy-in-school Andie?

If we were to expand to team skating this exciting, new category could include The Goonies, 21 Jumpstreet, St.Elmo’s Fire and The Breakfast Club. Furthermore, if we were to allow same sex partnerships shows like Miami Vice would be an excellent short program. Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs are back, taking on the Florida drug world by storm with their trademark wisecracks and Italo-casual fashion- on ice!

The use of props would be strongly encouraged. For example in a Heathers long program, Drano can be used to drive a key plot point home- especially when spewed onto the ice by one of the female figure skaters. Think of the imagery that the audience would be left with!

We, the undersigned, truly believe that by adding Interpretive Dance of 80’s Films and Television Shows it will greatly increase the number of attendees to all skating events as well as promote a steady growth in home viewership, thus resulting in astronomical advertising sales.

Thank you,

New Jersey and Connecticut


mo.stoneskin said...

I'd like you to run the next Olympics, scrap all traditional events and make up your own.

Urban Earthworm said...

Yes! Oh please, oh please! That would be AWESOME!

Great post!

Candice said...

I hear stripping is up next at the summer Olympics, yesss!

Unknown said...

You tug at my heart strings so very much with this post. My love of figure skating (12+ years competing), my love of classic 80s movies (oh God don't get me started). This is the best idea I've ever heard. Feel free to add Illinois to your list. I'll sign on behalf of the state.

Jeanette said...

If there were a Heathers one someone best be thrown into a glass table as a stunt, and a chainsaw better be heavily featured haha. It would be amazing.

Hunter said...

I'm anxiously awaiting the ice performance of the "Truffle Shuffle" from Goonies.

carissajade said...

Agreed!! You may have just made the Olympics a million times better. I would love to see Say Anything the interpretive dance. sighhhhh

Laura said...

@mostoneskin- Could you imagine if I was put in charge of something like that? I may cause a few riots, but I think overall attendence would be greatly increased.

@Colleen- Thanks so much! It would be waaaay more interesting to have the kind of events I have in mind.

@Candice- I heard that they have a petition going around for pole dancing. However, I think I can come up with something far more interesting. And dirty.

@uncorked- You tug at my hearstrings with your very existence. I hope you are feeling better. Illinois is my new sister state! ;) Hoepfully I'll be there for a bachelor party in May!

@Jeanette- I think I need to add dialogue to the list. Because I would love to hear someone shout "I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!" in the middle of a Heathers long program.

@Hunter- YES! The Truffle Shuffle would obviously be the highlight of the Goonies short program.

Laura said...

@carissajade- I know! I would allow a boombox as a prop. And a pen. I appreciate your support in this amazing initiative to revitalize the Olympics.

Crazy Newt said...

And if you could teams, we could re-enact all the great Vietnam movies of the 80s! Imagine Hamburger Hill, Platoon, and Apocalypse Now... all on Ice!

The horror... the horror....

Laura said...

@CrazyNewt- Didn't even think of the 80's war category! I also forgot to add the Karate Kid. Shame on me. Shame on me.

Surprisingly Bright said...

You just inspired the same high and low in me when I read, "female skater was wearing a ballet outfit while her partner was in a hockey jersey" and then "merely a traditional performance." What a let down. I'm glad I don't watch that crap, I mean ice skating, but I totally will should the olympic committee take your advice.

Kate said...

Oh now that sounds like fun to watch!

Kate xx

Mr O said...

I didn't watch the Olympics, but I would sure as hell watch this.

The Miami Vice comment had me rollin haha

Can we somehow add Teen Wolf to this list? That came at around then, right?

Mr. Condescending said...

miami vice would be the best! I've never actually seen goonies, st elmos, or breakfast club.

I missed out on a a lot of movies.

How 'bout skating to a sanford and son theme?

I miss you and I love you.

Marty Wombacher said...

Ha ha ha! Love this idea and the Heathers/Drano idea is genius! But don't forget Spinal Tap!

Madame DeFarge said...

Never seen the point of ice-skating really. Well, except speed skating. Then I can leer at men in tight lycra suits. That's always fun. In a sociological way of course.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Ice Escapades would be fun to have, too. You could really make it entertaining if you did the 70s. No, wait, bad, bad idea. Although the 70s liked the snow. Perhaps the 60s then. I have to admit for the most part I hate interpretive dance, so this would be great...at least I would know the music. Can you imagine trying to score this? Woohoo, what fun.

linlah said...

That idea is better than the cultures of different nations theme they used for the 2010 Olympics because OMG that worked out so well.

Laura said...

@Surprisingly Bright- I wrote them a strongly worded letter. I can't imagine why I haven't heard back!

@Kate- Best figure-skating theme EVER! Although vengeance movies might make a fun one as well.

@Mr. O- Done and Done. Except it has to be the original Teen Wolf with Marty McFly. Orrrrr, we could do a Michael J Fox 80's movie tribute.

@Mr. C- Oh, how I adore and miss you as well. We could even have the aligator Elvis make an appearence in the Miami Vice skating bonanza! I've never seen an aligator clad in ice skates. GO RENT GOONIES!

@Marty- What's your damage Heather? Ohhhh, Spinal Tap is a great idea. I'll add that to list of movies they need to recreate! Seriously, who wouldn't want to see a drummer spontaniously combust- on ICE???

@Madame- Mmmmmmmen in tight lycra suits. Mmmmmm.

@Happy Hour- I'm sure we would have people lining up to score this one.

@linlah- I KNOW! I couldn't have been more bored if I tried.