Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Lola vs. The Awkward Limbo Incident of 2010

I went on vacation with my family recently. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you pretty much know that when my cousins and I get together, craziness ensues. If you are a new reader and need some background information on the Lakely brigade, you can check it out here. If you are too lazy to click through to another post, here's a good summary: We are unapologetically loud, we laugh often (usually at other people), and have the ability to have entire conversations in movie quotes. What more could you possibly want from a family?

Stability is overrated.

I learned two valuable things on this Aruban sojourn: 1) The difference between men and women 2) Never go to a Limbo show at the Riu Palace

1) The difference between men and women can be summed up by what they have in their carry on luggage.

Women: Three books (three genres), lotion (two kinds), iPhone filled with music and television shows, a notebook, pens, lip gloss, an extra pair of clothes, a bathing suit, flip flops, and a pack of gum.

Men: Night Vision Goggles and a Lap Top.

2) Awkward Limbo Incident of 2010.

It started off like any other limbo show at a cheesy island resort. With Caribbean music, an ultra skinny six foot black man wearing pink and green sequined cabana pants, and a limbo stick. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the limbo stick. He shimmied under it several times to the steady beat of the steel drum band behind him, stepping gracefully over audience participants while keeping his back horizontal to the ground. There were cheers when he lit the stick on fire. Ooohs and ahhhhs when he took out two additional sticks, set them ablaze, and limboed under the giant stick while juggling the two flaming pieces of wood.

Then the new age music began. And it all went downhill.

With what could only be described as an expression of pure ecstasy, he began to rake the fiery sticks across his body. In about 2.5 seconds, the sounds of energetic laughter and happy claps deteriorated into horrified stares and frightened gasps. Children began crying as the fire hissed across the man's skin. One little blond girl, tears streaming down her face, actually had to be escorted out of the show. Several bystanders were heard to mutter, "Oh. My. God." just before passing out.

Lola's Life Lesson? It's all fun and games until the new age music comes on. If you're normal, you should run. If you're a part of the Lakely brigade,however, you stay and laugh hysterically. And reference it continuously the rest of the trip. Because a limbo man deliberately setting himself on fire to the sound of children crying never gets old.

Hope you had a naughty weekend, fellow bloggers. I know, I did. In fact, I discovered a new shot. Pop Rocks and grape vodka. Unfortunately this means that the bartender has become my dealer. With a salacious grin, he handed me a free package of the vodka laced Pop Rocks on the way out of the bar Saturday night. I am afraid I am already on credit.

I've never had innocent childhood memories of candy and summer sullied in such a delicious way before.


mo.stoneskin said...

If you are too lazy to click through to another post...

*hangs head in shame, puts on sackcloth and pours ashes over head*

Wait a sec. When I go on holiday I take about twelve books and my wife uses the laptop.

Although night-vision goggles would be fabulous.

Sangewya said...

"Because a limbo man deliberately setting himself on fire to the sound of children crying never gets old."

This. Will. Never. Get. Old. EVER!

Anonymous said...

This is the weirdest and simultaneously most amusing thing I've read in ages, Lolaaaaah! WTF? Are you sure you weren't just at home and had the wrong kind of mushrooms on your pizza?

owo said...

I want night vision goggles. *Makes note to add to birthday list*

I think I'd like your family. Mine would have stayed and laughed too. And probably started singing random lyrics from rap songs. "It's gettin' hot in here..."

Jeanette said...

Bahahah this story is just as good the second time around.

Still sounds like an amazing time, and that shot sounds good, except I have an unnatural hatred for anything grape flavored. Except actual grapes.

Laura said...

@mo.stoneskin- There will be no hanging of the head in shame, especially since I know you've read the previous post! Night vision goggles for the win!

@Sangeeta- I am in utter and complete agreement.

@The Vegetable Assassin- I pride myself in my ability to be simultaneously weird and amusing. It's a gift. Somehow I think funny mushrooms on my pizza would have created something less disturbing. Or at least one would hope!

@ otherworldlyone- Now I know what to send you! Sounds like you would have fit right in.

@Jeanette- You were the first reader to have heard it actually. This should make you feel incredibly special. I don't even think grapes taste like grape, so you're in the clear on that one.

Unknown said...

I didn't think I could love you anymore. And then you come up with a story like this and I couldn't help but think to myself that me and my family would have been right there laughing next to your family. Then my brother probably would have tossed a drink onto the already burning flame, alcoholic and flammable of course.

When, oh when, will our families finally become one?

Laura said...

*uncorked- Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going in this dark and trecherous life is that fact that one day, oh yes, one day our families will become one. Or at the very least, we will.

Urban Earthworm said...

Oh my gosh! I have to try those pop rocks in 5 months! Is it pop rocks in vodka, or pop rocks that have had vodka on them, or what? I must know!

LOVE that story. Priceless. Sounds like an utter blast.

Laura said...

@Colleen- Best drink. EVER. You put the pop rocks in your mouth and do a shot of grape vodka. Or you put the pop rocks in the grape vodka and drink it Martini style. Either one worls.

Simon said...

I was nearly in the position of having to Google something – again – to understand one of your posts. Pop Rocks. But by a stroke of good fortune, an online friend, shocked by my ignorance, demonstrated their use to me by recording herself taking a mouthful of them on her cell phone camera. I still treasure it. I feel that I have a far better understanding of the American culture now.

Laura said...

@Simon- Shame on me for being so unfailingly American. Mmmmm... Pop Rocks. I am so happy that your friend could accurately demonstrate the wonder that defines the world of Pop Rockia.

I'm not sure if I should really be the one to give you a better understanding of the American culture. I mean pretty soon you'll be thinking that all of us are naughty redheads with a penchant for a pint, football, videogames and inappropriate behaviour.

linlah said...

I can't wait to try this Pop Rocks vodka shot. It's been a long time since I've had either so a good excuse to start.

Marty Wombacher said...

Perfect assessment of women's packing versus mens! That fire guy sounds absolutely nuts and I would've stayed and laughed too! I gotta try that Pop Rocks shot, it sounds great!


have the ability to have entire conversations in movie quotes.

oh em gee. i wrote an entire post on that. right here.


i'm too drunk too taste this blog. - kelly at the crib with an infusion of ricky bobby

we're like soul sisters.

holla holla holla

you do have uploading issues. it took like 10 yrs for your shiznit to load up and i was all like is this the blog or just a header?

whack-a-do stuff

anyhoo, i'm down, i'm here and blah blah blah

Laura said...

@linlah- Honestly, it's my new favorite. It tastes exactly like one of those Mr. Freeze ice pops I had when I was little.

@Marty Wombacher- My insight into the differences between men and women astound even me sometimes. Yes, must try shot.

@SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB- Honestly, I can't understand how we haven't found each other before this. It's like... dogs and cats living together... MASS HYSTERIA!

And yes on the soul sisters. Uploading Schmuploading; isn't it worth the wait?

Candice said...

Wait, did this actually happen? For serious? That's possibly the best thing I have EVER heard in my life.

Laura said...

@Candice- True. Effing. Story. And honestly I don't even think I came close to doing it justice.

Mr O said...

This... is one of the reasons why I love you. Just one.

Is it bad that my suitcase would more resemble the women's? (minus a few accessories)

And is it also bad that I feel I missed out on a wonderful show?

Laura said...

My lovely Mr. O,

Just one. Sigh, you do know how to make a girl feel special. And, I am going to say no for both questions.

Yours always,


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BeckEye said...

Hmm, I would have thought crazy Latin chanting (like from The Omen) would have prefaced an event like that.

Laura said...

@BeckEye- I know right? Or at least some ominous music in lifetime movie fashion. At least warn us next time...

Trinity said...

Ha, that is pretty good. I wonder why he likes to be burned?

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

That shot sounds awesome, I have never heard of it. Going into San Fran tonight, I will try it out!

Laura said...

@Trinity- I have no idea. I'm not sure if I want to know more about the whys of Scary Limbo Man.

@Living Shallow, Living Well- You must try. Thanks for stopping by. Wow, that rhymed. Nice.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

What? No reference to Richard Pryor? I am trying to imagine drinking Pop Rocks and Grape Vodka while watching limbo man turn himself into a tiki torch. I love grape vodka and ginger ale but it sounds so boring compared to Pop Rocks...maybe I should try some Nerds with grape vodka. That sounded naughty...like I'm going to go after Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory.

blunt delivery said...

Dear naughty love of my life,

whenever new age music is busted out, someone, somewhere is getting some. that's what i always hope anyway. otherwise, it's a waste of everyone's time.