Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lola vs. Spongebob's Epic Fall with a little Fire & Brimstone

As most of you know I am not a morning person and if you don't believe me, Spongebob will certainly vouch for this personality defect. If the delightful sea-faring cartoon sponge man is not enough of a witness for you, I have another story that is sure to pound my morning-detesting mantra home.

After a miserable week in detox (day 7 on antibiotics- 8 more to go- thanks to my effing sinus affection), I was looking forward to a Friday morning snow shower that would effectively cancel my morning commute and allow me to work blissfully from home. However, I should have realized this was a pie-in-the-sky dream because our building never closes down. But they have provided us with an emergency hot line that we can call! Oh, joy, doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?

The recorded message hasn't changed much in the past 5 years. It's always, "The building will be open but as always use your discretion when operating your vehicle, blah, blah, blah." It could be the apocalypse and the message would be the same: "The building will be open but as always use your discretion when operating your vehicle during hellfire conditions. Please be aware of fault line cracks, falling brimstone, and blood thirsty harpies. And make sure to alert your manager should your arms be torn asunder by avenging angels."

But I digress!

It was 8:00 am and after a sleepless night, I was seething when the alarm shrieked in my ear. I groggily hit the offending radio with gusto. Hard. In fact, I knocked it clear off my bedside table, which in turn toppled over my bright orange codeine-infused cough syrup. Which spilled all over my new violet 1100 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Hoorah!

Ignoring the spreading orange blossom on my sheets, I lurched off the bed and grabbed for the only bright light in the cave of darkness that was my morning. My lovely, iridescent bag of Godiva caramel coffee. Mmmm... my deliciously naughty, wonderfully decadent caffeine. My fingertips brushed against the outside of the bag in a caress that was both loving and needy and just a bit desperate. Slowly, delicately, I peeled back the folds and prepared to take a deep, enriched breath.

The bag was empty. That faithless, cocktease caffeine whore.

I slammed the offending bitch into the garbage, jumped angrily in the shower, and wished fervently for hellfire and brimstone instead of zero coffee.

This black mood lasted entirely through my morning commute, sans coffee, and I decided firmly that I would keep myself holed up in my office with the door shut for at least an additional hour before bearing my visage to the rest of the world. I was sadly mistaken.

The rest of the world would see a lot more than that before the morning was over.

As I trudged down the hallway, towards my office- which is right across from our floor's big conference room- in my tightly clad leggings and snow boots (wishful thinking) with my laptop and gym bag balanced precariously on my chipped shoulders. Someone called out my name and I cocked my head to the side. This simple flutter of a movement was just enough to upset my equilibrium and I suddenly and rather violently tripped, head over ass,... right into the open supply closet. Directly outside of the conference room. Full of authors.

Oh yes, yes I did. But perhaps the best part of all of this was the fact that instead of investigating the loud crash that had so abruptly occurred outside the conference room, the woman running the meeting quietly got up and shut the door. As I struggled to extract myself amidst company pens and cleaning supplies.

This is why I should never be allowed to go without coffee.

33 comments:

Hunter said...

Well, at least it was a supply closet and not a flight of stairs...

mo.stoneskin said...

Coffee bags are always iridescent, but how did you manage not to notice it was empty? My alarm bells starting ringing when I'm in the final third and continue to ring until I buy a new bag!

Trinity said...

You poor, poor dear. I feel for people with Coffee addictions. Not one myself I don't have the capacity to understand about the need for coffee but I do enjoy it and miss it when I want it.

wines constantly said...

I'm impressed that you even made it to work w/o coffee. Better than I would do.

Organic Meatbag said...

At least you didn't shit your pants, my dear... at the very least...

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I hope the supply closet inhabitants did not try to make a pass...they were probably imagining Spongebob panties headed their way. Since I start work at 4:00 a.m., I totally feel for your morning madness. I know my slog of a commute is simply down my stairs to my home office, but I still hate it. It sounds like your beautiful sheets will be ready for Halloween early though...purple and orange. Just add green and you're good to go.

otherworldlyone said...

This sounds like every weekday morning in my life. Except instead of the alarm going off at 8, it goes off at 4:45. Sob.

Nic Lake said...

Haha oh my. I haven't caught up to the "need coffee" craze yet. I actually cut out drinking pop this year, so I've been pretty much without caffeine for 42 days.

No wonder I've taken so many naps...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know what? I identified with this WHOLE post, because honestly, that is all 100% something I'd do from the icky sickness to the clumsiness to the running out of caffeine and cussing like a sailor.

Does it make you feel better that I work from home most of the week in my pyjamas, sustained by Diet Pepsi and coffee and grilled cheese sandwiches and loud music? There, I knew that would help. :)

Simon said...

This is what coffee addiction does to people. It destroys the lives of thousands of people a year. Break the habit before it is too late, and you become a mindless, shambling wreck. Tea is the way forward. Embrace it.

Lola Lakely said...

@Hunter- True enough. I've fallen up a flight of staris but never down. Falling up is still painfull.

@mo.stone- I am blaming my sleep-deprived hazy mind on that one. I had gotten home supremely late and just collapsed into bed, without doing the coffee check.

@Trinity- I honestly feel like I would go through severe withdrawl symptoms should I be forced to retire my caffeine habits. It would not be pretty.

@winesconstantly- Yeah, I should have stayed home. I don't know why I managed to get myself through the commute.

@Organic- Thank god for that!

@HappyHour- I wept over the stain but thankfully it was washed out. Your work intrigues me...

@otherworldlyone- I can't even imagine a 4:45 wake-up call for me. That would be dangerous for myself and others.

@Nic Lake- Be thankful that you have not ended up caffeine addicted like yours truly. It is not a pretty sight. EVER.

@The Vegetable Assassin- I knew you would relate! I just knew it! If by making me feel better you mean making me feel insanely jealous, then why yes, yes it does.

Lola Lakely said...

@Simon- I'm hopeless. Less than hopefull. As I partake in both tea and coffee. I need help. Lots and lots of help.

G.~ said...

No coffee = Tumbling into a supply closet.
Did you miss math class that day? What were you thinking? ;) Love your blog. Glad I tumbled onto it.

Lola Lakely said...

@G- I know, I have missed a whole heap of classes. I blame this on my coffee addiction. Thanks for stopping by and for the blog love!

Mr O said...

Man, you did not disappoint at all. I am actually reading this in a computer lab and it got really hard to not burst out with loud random laughter.

This may be the greatest line in blogging history:
"The bag was empty. That faithless, cocktease caffeine whore."

And I felt like I was watching a TV show where you cause this big scene and all the lady does is... shut the door haha. That was great.

I once said "I digress" in a conversation and the girl who I was talking to thought it was cute and now secretly hopes I say it again. I'm making her wait for it, so I guess I know a little bit about teasing myself.

(I was going to edit that last part, but "teasing myself" sounded too good to edit)

Lola Lakely said...

Lovely Mr. O,

I am so honored by having the greatest line in blog history. My heart is all aflutter! And I meant every damn word at the time. of course, once I got a new bag I apologized profusely. Does that make me fickle?

And never, ever edit on my account.

carissajaded said...

Ewwww she just shut the door!? Noone asked if you were ok?!?? Ok never, never go without coffee again, girl. This day sounds atrocious!!

determined2fly said...

I hope you learned your lesson! No more days sans coffee! :)

Candice said...

LOL! She SHUT the DOOR?! What a whore. I'm glad you're ok though, mostly, as I can't live without your redheaded presence.

Surprisingly Bright said...

Two things:
1) God damn that wretched emergency line. There are two new hires sitting in cubes near me. I heard them check with each other to make sure they both had the # and a voice, not my own, let out a loud cackle and a high pitched "Don't bother!" This was followed by a chorus of agreement from the other hardened souls around me.
2) Favorite line, "That faithless, cocktease caffeine whore." I want that line.

Lola Lakely said...

@carissajaded- No one asked if I was ok. Actually all I got was an accusation. He wanted to know how much vodka I had consumed before breakfeast. I love the people I work with.

@determined2fly- I literally bought 4 bags of coffee at once so that it won't happen again! Thanks for stopping by!

@Candice- I've missed you fellow redhead of mine! You should come and play with me in real life. Although then the universe might just implode with awesomeness!

@Surprisingly Bright- I laugh at their innocence. I remember when I too was shiny and new in my belief that they would actually close our building down. Sigh. I am hardered in my cynicism. You can use that line, just make sure you put the little trademark symbol at the end.

Marty Wombacher said...

This is why I've worked nights since 1985, NOTHING good happens when the moon is not in the sky. I just found your blog and love it! I'll read more later, I'm at work.

Lola Lakely said...

@Marty- Welcome! It's a bit on the naughty side over at my place and I'm always happy to have some new visitors. Thank you for the compliments. Please tell me you work nights in a morgue and have started your own escort service with an eccentric buddy of yours. Please.

Marty Wombacher said...

Hey Lola, sadly I'm not Henry Winkler, although he did once ask me for directions (and he mispronounced the street, he must live in L.A.) I work for a stupid-ass graphics company and have a job a chimp could do, but it pays the rent and allows me to do what I really like to do: drinking and writing and wasting hours of time online! Oh my!

Lola Lakely said...

@Marty- I checked ou your 365 Bars site. I am quite thrilled by your philosophical journey through the bars of NYC. I will definitely think of you now whenever I frequent a new place in New York. And ummm, I'd like a slice of your drinking/writing/wasting hours of time online life. Throw in a topping of videogames and I'm in. Like Flyn. I've always wondered who Flyn is and why he is always in.

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

The bag was empty. That faithless, cocktease caffeine whore.

love it!!!!!!!!!!!

That is why I have an emergency stash,... ready and willing to care of my needs.

Marty Wombacher said...

@Lola: Glad you enjoyed the 365 site. When I see Flyn, I'll tell him you said hi!

Lola Lakely said...

@Fabulous Bitch- I'm hoping that that line will follow me wherever I go. Trust me, after this, I don't think I will ever be without my true love again.

Madame DeFarge said...

I feel the same if I don't drink milk. Really, I do. Gets me all wobbly.

Lola Lakely said...

@Madame DeFarge- A milk addiction huh? That's interesting. I've never gone all wobbly without milk before.

Simon said...

I’d just like to tell you I’ve updated my blog at last, following your heartfelt appeal. I hope you enjoy it, though I have to admit it is rather biased towards a male readership, being focused on a pair of women’s breasts. Such is my way.

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blunt delivery said...

Dearest heart's only desire,

just know that if ever you find me at your bedside, you won't be disappointed.

desperately infatuated,

Blunt