Friday, February 5, 2010

Lola vs. Best Friends and an Asexual Meat Kitchen

My Wednesday morning consisted of an electrical fire at work knocking out all of our servers and phones, a tiny Asian man, two inappropriate text messages and an Asexual Meat Kitchen.

And yes, in fact the tiny Asian man and inappropriate text message numero uno go hand in hand, thanks to my dear friend Kane. Who, making fun of me for my irrational attachment to Nathan Drake in Uncharted 2 and my new LED TV, pretended to masturbate to the aforementioned software and hardware combo while I was on the phone ordering Thai food in preparation for our Lost premier shindig. I ran into the kitchen in the hopes of escaping him but, alas, he was diabolical in his pursuit and ended up chasing me around the island several times. Emitting high-pitched squeals and grunts that any subway masturbating hobo would be proud of. All of this occurred while the tiny Asian man was shouting, "That all?... That all?... That all?" into my ear via my distorted phone connection.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. That Kane dude can surely multi task.

In any case I was sitting at my desk as the servers were still down and alarm bells shrieked occasionally in the distant hallway, when my iPhone made that delightful little bubbling sound, indicating a new message. You can imagine my delight when I leaned over to find:

Kane's Text: oh goddddd! thai delivery man! yeaaaahhhhhh! rock my world you tiny asian, man you! yyyeeaaahhh!
Lola's response: You are way more interesting than the electrical fire that occurred at work an hour ago.

The second message was also sexual in nature, however it had to do with a certain part of my anatomy and a promise. I'm not sure what to make of this one since it involves someone I haven't hung out with on a consistent basis for at least 10 years. This offer was also followed by some pretty heavy and outstanding compliments, which make me a little nervous. So in true Run-Lola-Run fashion, I'm fast forwarding to another text message exchange from Kane later that night after my request to play online with him.

Kane's Text: If you would like to join a party, there is one in my pants.
Lola's response: I hear there's a little Asian man in there already!

As for the last bit of the story I implore you, dear readers, to get in on the action. I was listening to a new musical obsession of mine, the boys from Glasgow
Biffy Clyro, whose new album hasn't come out in the states yet. I hadn't heard any of their previous songs so I decided to check them out. I came across the most brilliant ,yet, disturbing title:

Asexual Meat Kitchen.

Now I have some ideas as to what this could be (especially considering my Kane story above), but I thought it would be more fun to have you guys define it. So have at it, Lola followers, and make me proud!


Vodka Logic said...

Funny, hope all is fixed now.
Always looking for new music, will check out the band

mo.stoneskin said...

So how tiny was this tiny Asian? Teeny weeny?!?!

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha! so this part of your anatomy... he was talking about your thorax, right? No? Your uvula?! No? Don't tell me he was talking about your spleen! Oh shit!

Trinity said...

I would think Organic Meatbag would be friends with Asexual Meat Kitchen. I thought it was his brother...or sister. You can't really tell.

Surprisingly Bright said...

Spam. My guess is that it has something to do with Spam.

Laura said...

@Vodka- To my dismay evrything has been fixed. Def. check them out, they are pretty fun. Plus they are scottish and you know how I love my scots.

@mo.stoneskin- Much like the yellow polka dot bikini, he was eensy weensy.

@Organic Meatbag- Somehow I knew you were going to comment on this post.

@Trinity- That is the best definition I have heard so far.

@Surprisingly bright- Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that but you could be right!

WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch said...

Hahaha! So funny,... I will not be able to look at tiny Asian men the same way. This post total messed it up for me!

mylittlebecky said...

mmmm, thai foods. chuck does the exact same thing when i'm trying to order take-out! well, minus the island and video game part. they get so excited about food. men, pfft.

The Peach Tart said...

You always make me laugh. Was the tiny Asian guy small enough to fit in his pants?

owo said...


Asexual meat kitchen: The ass of a guy that's gay, but doesn't want to have sex because...yeah, shit. I lost my train of thought.

Laura said...

@WhiteSockGirl aka The Fabulous Bitch- I'm glad I could ruin an entire population for you. Success!

@mylittlebecky- They do don't they. But in this instance the pretend self pleasuring was in an attempt to mimic me. However, I don't know why he thinks I have the same equipment that he does.

@Peach- I'm happy to oblige! Not quite, although I'm hoping he has super powers in order to do so.

@otherworldlyone- I am anxiously awaiting where the kitchen fits into your theory...

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

An asexual meat kitchen is where you cook the meat you got at the meat market. Or maybe it goes with the hermaphroditic veggies. Not sure now. The only texting I am good at is drunk texting, you know, dexting, or drexting, or drunkexting...It IS Friday, you know.

linlah said...

No guess for me on this one because I thought the Asain man and the Asexual Meat Kitchen would be tied together and not literally.

Anonymous said...

He invited you to the little party in his pants, that's awesome!

Mr O said...

after this:

Kane's Text: If you would like to join a party, there is one in my pants.
Lola's response: I hear there's a little Asian man in there already!

I really wanted to add something catchy afterward, like a ZING or something haha

It's crazy that your Run-Lola-Run detector (can I please call refer to it as your Lola Sense was tingling?) goes off for text messages.

Sadly, I have no interpretation of what the song means, but I can give you this story. I once saw Biffy Clyro open for Say Anything and all I keep thinking the whole time was "the guy with the long hair and the beard looks like a muppet when he sings"

Kate said...

Ha ha great post. I really want to know more about the tiny Asian man now!

Kate xx

owo said...

The ass IS the kitchen.

Laura said...

@HappyHour- I'm gonna go with drexting. That's my favorite one.

@linlah- I wish it had been that way, I really do.

@secretia- I feel honored, disturbed, but honored.

@Lovely Mr. O- Yes!I give you permission to call it my Lola sense. :) I'm so excited that you've actually seen Biffy Clyro! How were they- other than Muppet like? Honestly that might have made me like them more, given my slight Muppet obsession.

@Kate- Thank you muchly! Muchly is nowhere near a word but I like it. And if it helps any, the tiny Asian man was quite kind.

@otherworldlyone- Ok, now I see that!

Urban Earthworm said...

That is hilarious!

Thanks for stopping by Cheap Wine and Cookies again! I was so certain I was already a follower, but I was, apparently, wrong about that. I am now, though. Can't wait for more hilarity.

Laura said...

@Colleen- Thanks back at you for stopping by again and becomming a follower. Congratulations again, by the way.