Thursday, January 21, 2010

Lola vs. Vomit, Speed Dating, and Tantric Sex

I once vomited in a urinal in the men's bathroom at the Barbados international airport.

What does this have to do with speed dating? A lot. Best Segway EVER!

One of my absolute favorite bloggers, deliciously naughty V, and I were talking yesterday about the various do's and dont's of speed dating, as recommended by the people organizing the event. V was kind enough to send me a list:

Do's: 1. Smile and use the other person's name. 2. Find something to compliment the person on, don't lie. 3. Keep topics to pop culture- that means no politics, ex's 4. Ask about the other person using open ended questions, those which cannot be answered with a yes or no. 5. Answer questions succinctly and then give away a small amount about yourself. 6. Use eye contact and open body language. Don't be afraid to touch.

Don'ts: 1.
Size them up or judge what they do for a living, etc. 2. Bad mouth other daters. 3. Cross your arms.

Of course after reading these wonderful speed dating rules over an email exchange, V and I decided to have our own speed dating session with each other- entirely based on the recommended questions and topics given out prior to the speed dating event. So dearest bloggers, without further ado, here is our speed dating conversation:

V: How do you feel about tantric sex? Do you believe in ghosts? New age?
Lola: Yes. Perhaps. Entirely dependent on how I feel at the moment. Have you ever taken an IQ test? If so, how did it feel?
V: I have taken one, but I'd rather not discuss the results. I'd much rather find out how you feel about Dancing with the Stars.
Lola: Luke warm. I'm dying to know what the strangest thing about you is!!!
V: The strangest thing about me is that I am 28, single, attractive, successful, funny and actually paid to be here. I'm very curious as to what your favorite movie is? And don't give me any "Too many to list" answers because we only have a minute and a half left.
Lola: Beware, V (smiles directly into her eyes) I am not afraid to touch.
V: (looks away, crosses her arms, and pulls out her blackberry to tweet)
Lola: Ohhh, just for that I am SO sizing you up while judging your lawyerly ways and talking about my ex.
V: Did you see that #10 girl? What a trashy whore (V slurs).
Lola: This is the best game we've ever invented.
V: Oh, you like games do you??? What's the strangest game you've ever played? Did I say strangest? I meant dirtiest
Lola: Wow, coincidentally the strangest/dirtiest game I ever played was also the funnest thing I did this summer!
V: Was that in your favorite place in the city? What part would that be? Oh, mine too!
Lola: How did you know? It was in Hell's kitchen and the dirtiest/strangest game is why it's my favorite part of the city!
V: Here's where the touching begins...
Lola: Please, please, tell me it's inappropriate touching!
V: How can it be inappropriate when it feels so right? I think we have 15 seconds left.
V: By the way, who did you vote for and do you go to church?
Lola: I do believe in Heaven, only because it looks like you fell from there! Ohhhhh. Do you believe in past lives? Possession? Water Retention?
V: No, I'm a libertarian

I think I'd like to send this question to them (as I am sure it will likely get me a 95% approval rating from other speed daters): Where is the strangest place you have vomited and why? Please be specific in your answers.

Because nothing stirs the fires of lust than a good discussion on vomit. Besides tantric sex, believing in ghosts, and new age philosophy that is.

I bet all of you are wondering how I ended up expelling the contents of my stomach in a urinal in the men's bathroom at the Barbados international airport. Well that, dear readers, is a story for another day. Hint: It involves an entire English field hockey team.

Oh, what fun it is to be back!


24 comments:

tattytiara said...

I always wanted to try speed dating, but even if I was still single I think you just ruined it for me. There's no way it would be as much fun as you two made it!

Mr O said...

I think you could make anything *that* much more fun, so there is no way speed dating could live up the display you guys just put on haha.

I feel like I need to out and get crazy drunk one day just to have some awesome stories because my honest answer to your question (i know we aren't speed dating, but I feel like you wanted answers anyways) is my grandparents bed. We had just come back from a Giants game and I had a bad hot dog I guess and I didn't have time to move to the bathroom, so the bed it was. Oh yea, I was like 6.

I'm so glad to have you back...

Jeanette said...

I've missed you. Also I hope I never have to do actual speed dating, I would be the most awkward speed dater ever. And I can't wait for that other story :)

Glad you're back.

*uncorked said...

Oh Lola...that was the best conversation we've ever had. I feel so much closer to you now, and I love you ten times more than anyone I met last night. For your readers, speed dating was kind of a bust, but I'll be honest and say that the cute bartender feeling me up in the bathroom during the break made it all a bit better.

Lola Lakely said...

@tattytiara- I haven't actually tried the whole speed dating thing. But if V was theree, I'm sure I would have fun.

@Dearest Mr O- I don't think I could ever go speed dating now. V has ruined it for me. I tend to do crazy things regardless of how much alcohol I've had. But in the past few years, I am proud to say I have a firm handle on how to not vomit. It's nice to be back! I've missed you!

@Jeanette- Right back at you! It's been too long.

@uncorked- I've said it before and I'll say it again, you saved my life yesterday. So speed dating was a win. Did he eat least give you a high approval rating?

Candice said...

FINALLY! I was wondering where you disappeared. And that is freaking hilarious, zomg. I wanna participate

otherworldlyone said...

I could never do speed dating. I would just laugh the entire time and be completely ridiculous. A bit like you and V, but with less touching because I'm afraid of diseases.

Welcome back, Lola!

*uncorked said...

Your hints and cliffhangers drive me crazy, in a hot and bothered kind of way.

Lola Lakely said...

@Candice- I am so, so sorry about my absence! I have missed all of you too! I'd like to go just to see how it is. Or just so I can write about how awkward it is. Or just to see the look on the other speed dater's faces when I ask about tantric sex.

@othereworldlyone- And therein lies the fun of speeddating. Laughing and being ridiculous. It is good to be back! ;)


@uncorked- They are meant to. It's a good story.

mo.stoneskin said...

It is great to have you back. I've missed you - I even double-checked a couple of days back just in case I had missed your post.

Next time you should puke on the entire hockey team, they probably deserved it.

Lola Lakely said...

@mo.stoneskin- Oh! That is so nice to hear. I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm in Barbados and feel the need to go skinny dipping with them. Oh wow, I just gave something away now didn't I?

Girl Interrupted said...

Well ... I've never been sure about speed dating, but NOW ... I know I don't want to do it ...

Unless it's with you. I'm pretty sure that would be a hoot ... in fact, it would be a hoot "royale".

Lovely to see you back and on such good form, Lola :) loving the new design too! It's very you!

Ps: Field hockey players are foxy ... it's the thighs. Can't wait to read all about it!

Lola Lakely said...

@Girl Interrupted- I am filled with glee that you've returned to peruse my silly little blog! I am considering going and only sticking to the weird tantric sex script they provide. Thanks!

From what I remember, they were very foxy. And us Americans kind of go stupid over accents. Sigh. It's a weakness.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I once read a rather naughty book that had all kinds of references to tantric sex...but the other sex kept distracting me.

A cliffhanger! Shoot. That opening sentence is like the scene in the movie "Hangover" where they say they lost Doug...and then you spend the rest of the movie finding out what happened to Doug. Vomiting in a men's urinal in an airport involving a field hockey team? Lord.

Speed dating would make for some splendid blog fodder but there is no way I could do it. I would probably talk about the dead possum on my porch and the man would run screaming into the night.

Glad your back~!

Lola Lakely said...

@Happy Hour- Getting distracted by sex while reading sex. Nice! I do so love the hook and the cliff hangers. It's a fun story... what I remember of it. I guess it's one of the reasons people keep referring to me as the female Tucker Max. That's exactly my plan. Mention dead animals if I think the guy is unattractive. It's good to be back!

Hunter said...

I like to go on speed dating events and never say a word. Just stare prison-yard style.

I never get dates that way, but it's still fun.

Lola Lakely said...

@Hunter- I find great wisdom in that technique. I think I will just have to try it out. I enjoy making people feel extremely uncomfortable and so that sounds right up my alley!

j-face said...

this is why i miss your words too. come stay over awhile. I'll stay here too...

Rhi said...

I threw up at church once. It wasnt even my church. It was in high school I drank too much and had to go to church with the girls family. I had to go to teh bathroom and throw up. Damn hangovers

Madame DeFarge said...

And hurrah you're back. Does speed marriage follow speed dating? And thereafter speed divorce? That would allow plenty of time for pleasant distractions.

Lola Lakely said...

@J-face, With a promise like yours, how ever can I resist. No worries, I will be staying.

@Rhi- That sounds horrible. But at least God was able to see that you went despite the awful hang over. That had to score you some heavenly points, right?

@Madame DeFarge- I think you might be on to something! Perhaps, this could be a new business venture?

Secretia said...

Speed dating is quite a concept, but it's better than a regular orgy I guess.

Secretia

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Kelly said...

I was looking for Speed Dating Questions and I landed in this post. Had fun reading, I'll be visiting for more for sure