Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lola vs. The Month That Wasn't Or Was It?

Since I have been absent for quite some time, I wanted to use this post as a way for us to catch up. I've missed all of your commentary on the naughty/ inappropriate things that I do on any given random Tuesday night and so this post is dedicated to the things you were not around for.

  • I have successfully learned how to make my mother's pasta sauce. And homemade meatballs. This now officially makes me Italian.

  • I made the mistake of making both the sauce and the meatballs at one of my infamous parties. Spaghetti ended up on my head. And on the walls. And in the guest bedroom.

  • I had a stalker for the month of December. Who sent me flowers, cookies, and then chocolate covered strawberries. The card that came with the flowers stated, "Just to let you know someone is thinking of you."

  • I received my very first sonic screwdriver. I am still waiting for one of you to show me yours. You know who you are.

  • I met Trinity and his wife in real life. Twice! Well to be accurate I met him and his wife once and Trinity twice but both times= DELIGHTFUL. He was kind enough to write about our second outing which included: karaoke, an overly exuberant gay waiter cock-blocking Trinity's dessert, Mary Poppins, and a subway trip to hell!

  • I found out who my stalker was. It's insanely creepy that he knew my address. Does it make me a bad person that I've already forgotten his name? It may have begun with a G...

  • I was asked out 2.5 times. I went out 2.5 times. The evidence- on whether or not the .5 was actually a date- remains inconclusive.

  • I am more attached to one of my video game characters than any of the 2.5 dates above. This troubles me.

  • I ran out of my house at 4:30am- while it was snowing- in a Notre Dame jersey, boy shorts and Ugg® boots. My friend found me and I apparently responded with a slurred, "I was taking out the garbage."

  • One of my garbage cans is still missing.

  • My brother asked me what movies Sam Worthington has been in. I mistakenly answered, "Hooooooooot!" I will never be able to live this down. This occurred a month ago and there is still fallout.

Drunk Text Favorites:

From: Lola Recipient: Kane Text: Whahtgaking? Kane's response: I can't even begin to imagine what that is. And that is awesome

From: Lola Recipient: Jeanette Text: aj! hydbnu Jeanette's response: What does that even mean?

From: CW Recipient: Lola Text: Got here... we think we've met Melissa- drinking profusely now. My response: Who's Melissa?

From: Lola's sister Recipient: Lola Text: Peanioooooooo abr playing I would walk 6000 milesassss. Locedddeeeeeee uuuuuuu (included a video attachment of unintelligible singing and mysterious origin)

From: KF Recipient: Lola Text: Hey don't forget to list your MOUTH on your 2009 Tax Return. I heard it got a lot of work this year. My response: Damn it, I should have filed for workman's comp.

From: JA Recipient: Lola Text: In jail. I blame public transit.*

*I can't even count the number of times I've received drunken phone calls or texts about my friends being in jail. None of them have actually been in jail at the time the messages were sent.

Most "Interesting" Compliment:

"Dude, Lola, you're kind of like my paxil." My response: Um... thanks?

Alas, our catch-up time is coming to an end. Sigh. I will leave you with one of the reasons I have been absent:

I went to our company's national sales meeting. This has reaffirmed my deep-rooted belief that national sales meetings are the girls gone wild episodes of the business community. Once everyone is finished with their daily meetings, the inhibitions are shed. Imagine spring break with an expense account! At different points in my career I've seen: a presenter vomit mid-power point; a big-time executive hit on a sales rep directly after giving a speech on his wife and family values; an entire team go skinny dipping; a beach bar break-in; a table thrown out a balcony window; an impromptu 3 am Call of Duty session in the break-out room, several inappropriate hook-ups, binder bowling, and much more.

I am sure you are asking whether yours truly has ever done anything untoward at these meetings. And my answer to you is: Haven't I always kept up with the accepted standards of what is right and proper in polite society?


Anonymous said...

The garbage taking outy thingie in the little underwear and jersey? That is so something I would do. Then I'd get locked out. And when I made it back in the building I'd wake up on someone else's floor. Yup.

Tony Spunk said...

I've been all abstinent the past week or so, so the idea of a hot red headed lady running around in the snow in her panties is making my little Captain dance with joy.

mo.stoneskin said...

"Whahtgaking" is a fantastic word. I'm thinking it may involve a gherkin.

Simon said...

Your drunken text messages have reminded me of a mate’s comment in his Facebook, relating to how, thanks to his phone’s predictive text, a message about a meal he’d been eating had been changed from GUMBO to HUMAN.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Lola, what does it say about me when I know many of the stories you are revealing about sales meetings? Once again, your blog gives cause for inner reflection and deep thought.

*uncorked said...

What I can't figure out is why I've never gotten a text from you that I don't understand. Is it that you only text me when you're not insanely drunk, or do we just understand each other that well?

carissajaded said...

I love this post so much! Your drunk texts sort of look like mine do... And I have no shame either!!! You had a stalker?? Creeper! I had a phone breather and that was bad enough!!!

Lola Lakely said...

@The Vegitable Assassin- What's funny is that I actually thought of you when I was writing that bullet! If I had also locked my keys in my car while it was running- while I was taking out the garbage- we probably would have been in danger of becomming the same person.

@Tony Spunk- Abstinent is not a fun state to be in. However, I pride myself on my ability to make Captains stand at full mast.

@mo.stoneskin- Hmmm, a gherkin. I do often wax poetic about pickles when I am drunk so perhaps you are on to something...

@Simon- I have that problem now that I have the iPhone. I hate auto correct although it does lead to some amusing moments. "Want a rack a baby? I got babies on racks!" Guess what comedian this quote came from! Simon, I'll send you a surprise if you get it!

@Anonymous- Hmmm, what does it say about you? An interesting question. If you know some of the incidents I've alluded to here, you either have part of some of those shenanigans with me. Or you've been through similar situations. Either way, it's given me some deep thoughts as to who you are.

@uncorked- I just realized that most of our texts have occured when I am sober. Which I think we'll have to do something about. However, I distinctly remember a drunken phone call. Which is infintely more special!

@carissajaded- Thank you kindly. My drunken texts seem to be the source of constant amusement between my friends and me. Yup, a stalker. He was actually quite nice- for a stalker. Just no sparkage. And I adore sparkage!

linlah said...

A conference is not a conference without it being girls gone wild.

Girl Interrupted said...

Hnugf ploj mloof

Translation: Please get me a job with your company!

Or at least text me when you're drunk and, preferably, in jail!

Lola Lakely said...

@linlah- It's like the peanut butter without the jelly.

@Girl Interrupted- I adore having you back! Maybe we should just start our own company. In Jail.

Mr O said...

this post had too much and not enough. I hope that makes sense, because it doesn't.

I don't know. I was just overwhelmed that was the greatness of this post.

For a while I had your text saved in my phone that was a bunch of numbers and letters but I could make out "cupcakes" somewhere in there

I vow to be a better stalker than G in December. Wait, it's not stalking if you say it out loud? Damn. I guess I will just have to surprise you with which month.

Also, that image of you running out in the snow is going to get me through the weekend. Thank you.

And your stories of national sales meetings gives me hope about life

Lola Lakely said...

Dearest Mr. O- Overwhelmed by yours truly. You do sure know how to make a girl blush. I should have written that one down! I vaguely recall sending you one. Hmmm, I think I can get behind you as a stalker. ;) Those national sales meetings have a curious way of giving me equal amounts of hope and cynicism. And I'm glad my image will be with you through the weekend.

♥cherry. said...

like Paxil?! why not like Cymbalta?

Lola Lakely said...

@cherry- I'm not sure. Perhaps I didn't live up to the standards of cymbalta.

mysterg said...

Lola, you are a living legend, I'm so glad you are back!


Stalker #2 xx

Cheryl said...

Actually, my name begins with a C.

Anonymous said...

2.5 dates-I know what you mean!
Nice to hear from you, Lola, thanks for visiting Secret Story Time.
I loved the drunken texts.

I'll follow you!


otherworldlyone said...

Stalkers are such great blogging fodder.

Drunk texts are a problem. I'm trying to stop.

And...it would have been REALLY awesome if the compliment was, "Dear Lola, you're kind of like my viagra.

The Peach Tart said...

Missed you. I can't tell you about all the mischief I've gotten in at company sales. meetings because it's just too embarrassing.

Lola Lakely said...

@mysterg- Coming from you that is high praise indeed. :)

@Cheryl- And the stalkers just keep coming! Honestly, if I had a stalker such as yourself I probably would have exploded in sheer delight. Or something.

@Secretia- It's hard to explain about the .5 thing, but I'm glad you get it. I have been known far and wide for my drunk texts.

@otherworldlyone- True, it was great fodder. Although it was very sketchy as well. Especially knowing that the stalker knows your address. *shivers* Honestly, the viagra thing is kind of understood in the subtext that is me.

@Peach- Thanks! I adore being missed. Yes, you'll notice how I cunningly left out whether or not I was a party to those shenanigans.

Trinity said...

Somehow I missed this post. Not sure why. I feel special that I know about most of this stuff in advance of the post. It helps I was there for it but still. You didn't mention the stalker at dinner.

Madame DeFarge said...

Your life is way more interesting than mine would ever be. I can always text properly even when drunk. I feel that I am shutting myself off to a great source of amusement in so doing.

Lola Lakely said...

@Trinity- That's ok! We hung out in real life, so I forgive you. I'm surprised I didn't mention the stalker, although I had figured out who it was at that point already and my fantasy did not live up to the reality.

@Madame Defarge- Interesting good? Or Interesting bad? I'm guessing a little from column A and a little from column b. Ever since I got a keyboard it's a disaster texting. Even when sober sometime.

blunt delivery said...

Dearest star in my lonely midwestern sky,

I will kill the mother f'er who stalks you.

That job belongs to me.

Your one and only (in a non-smothering way of course),