Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Lola vs. Kay Jewelers Can Kiss My Ass

Has anyone seen the Kay Jeweler commercials lately?

I am actually not bringing these commercials up in order to add fuel to the fire that is my commitment phobic nature! I'm bringing them up in order to point out that the Kay commercials have become laced with strange menacing undertones. In order to prove my point, I have included the dialogue from two of their most recent adds.

Exhibit A: It's the middle of the night and a guy surprises his wife and newborn baby by a dimly lit tree. I call this commercial The Christmas Massacre of 2009: New Dad Goes Crazy

Hapless Victim/Wife: (glancing at her husband fearfully as he enters the room) What are you doing up? (shades of frantic in her tone now) It's 2AM!

Sinister Man In Pajamas/Husband: (creepily mimicking her in a monotone whisper) It's 2AM (pause) Christmas Morning... (with a kind of perverted relish) And I couldn't wait!

I imagine the rest of his statement went something along the lines of: and I couldn't wait...TO KILL YOU. The pale new born baby they insert in the wife's arms does nothing to tamper the feeling that this guy is about to go nuts and slaughter his family.


Exhibit B: Out of all their commercials, this one is by far my favorite. I like to refer to it as The Serial Killer Couple in an Abandoned Cabin in a Category 5 Storm Commercial.

Severely Creepy Man: In all the years we have been coming here, I've never seen a storm like this. (cue ominous thunder. Woman turns into her husband's serial killer arms but is strangely not scared) I'm right here. (menacing now) And I always will be.
Accomplice/Wife: Don't let go. (veiled threatening tone) EVER!

As you can see from the above conversation, this is clearly going in the direction of the couple becoming Mr. and Mrs Stabby McStabbity Stabberson from 45 Bloodlust Lane, Murderville USA.

In conclusion, every kiss does not begin with Kay. I have it on good authority that Patron shots have a much better track record at inducing more make-out sessions than Kay jewelers ever has. With their ominous themes and disturbing actors, their new tagline should be Every Crime Begins with Kay. But don't take my word for it, watch the clips of the commercials yourselves and feel free to let me know what you think. Even though I'm obviously right.

Oh, how I've missed all of you! Feel free to send me naughty admonishments in the mail for my mysterious absence. I do so need a good spanking once in awhile.


j-face said...

first up to spank... don't even know where to begin.....so...many...places...

missed me some lola though... :)

great post.

Jeanette said...

Firstly... the Christmas one was on as I was reading this secondly... this is all I could think of when I was reading this.


Lola Lakely said...

Awww, J-Face. It is so nice to know that I have been missed. Spank away. ;) I need it.

Lola Lakely said...

Jeanette- Seriously? That is too funny. Meant to be!

Hannah Miet said...

Respect levels soaring. Sounds pretty menacing to me. But then again, just the phrase "newborn baby" alone seems menacing to me.

I haven't even seen these, since I don't watch much TV lately, .but I almost worked at Kay in high school. I was interviewed when I was desperate for an extra job to save money for college.

Can you imagine me consulting people on their wedding rings?

(I didn't get the job. Jew Fros don't begin with Kay?)

Anonymous said...

Present your bare bottom for spanking!

And seriously, all diamond commercials make me snort. Because really, is that all women want from a guy? I'd rather have something useful or fun than a rock I'd lose in a month down the sink.


tattytiara said...

Not too difficult to imagine your movie collection, I don't think.

Mr O said...

just the other day I was thinking to myself "self, something is missing from your life"

it wasn't till I received comments from you and tiny notification that you had graced the blogging world with your presence (the answer is you. You have been missing from my life)

I loved this line:

But don't take my word for it, watch the clips of the commercials yourselves and feel free to let me know what you think. Even though I'm obviously right.

Thanks for this

Kate said...

Nice to see you back. I missed your blog :)

Kate xx

Hunter said...

Welcome back. I think diamond commercials are universally scary.

mo.stoneskin said...

Forget naughty admonishments, I just want a beer the size of my head - I just spotted that sidebar image.

The Peach Tart said...

I hate those Kay commercials. So glad you're back. I missed you.

otherworldlyone said...

It's about time you showed up!

I agree. I hate those Kay commercials. It's all domestic bliss and crap dialoge.

Kay commercial dialoge redone:

Man: Pulls out jewelry box. "Merry Christmas."
Woman: Opens box. Glares accusingly at man. "What's her name?"

AND scene.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

It was so much fun threatening my ex that I was going to buy a LARGE diamond for our 25th anniversary. And I don't even like jewelry. He never got that I would rather have him WILLINGLY help put the kids to be bed or pick them up from school and not act like a giant asshat doing it...sighing and acting all martyr like. Diamonds must be a man's krypton or something.

Hope the holidays are treating you well.

Anonymous said...

Lola, as I make my yearly trip north this year for the holiday season I expect you to be in an extra naughty mood!! I talked to Santa and he said you haven't been a good girl all year so why start now?!?!?!? So may your holiday season be blessed with Strippers and Patron, as together they are always a good time ;)

*uncorked said...

Oh Lola, sadly I know exactly the ones you're talking about. They are insanely creepy. My cousin said they make her cry...they make me want to stay single. I'm terrified of them. Now, the people who made those humane society commercials with Sara McLachlin should be shot - I sob like a baby when those come on.

Trinity said...

I hate Kay Jeweler commercials because they are retarded. I always fake gag when I watch them.

Anonymous said...

Holy CRAP you read my mind on the crazy cabin one! Bizarre. And CHEESE, oh the cheese. I prefer the Family Guy rendition.


Madame DeFarge said...

These must be US adverts which means that they're defacto scary. It's enough to make me not want to watch television ever again.

Anonymous said...

It should really be... "Every Kill begins with K" ~ Bill B.

Simon said...

I can never understand the need to give something like a diamond. Why not cut out the middleman and give her cash? After all, if you went to a brothel that’s what they’d expect.

Anonymous said...

Tagline: "Our jewelry is so nice, you would literally die for it."

linlah said...

Uh, lightening is scary but it deosn't deserve diamonds.

Kait said...

This was awesome. Sarah Haskins does this on current TV, and it's also awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzLWn3xTGL4

♥cherry. said...

haha!! thank you for cheering me up in your unique way!

blunt delivery said...

Dearest eye to my soul,

you'll be happy to know that in the comedy show i was in throughout december, which is why i was absent from you in comments but not in spirit, we did a series of kay's commercials. they were all super ridiculous plays on how retarded they are. at the end we recorded our own kay's jingle that sounded so super pathetic. it rocked. oh wait, you weren't there. cus you freaking live too far away.

i still love you,


Auri said...

sounds like someone's inner voice is telling her to run in the opposite direction screaming like she's about to be filleted by a member of the Krueger family... or am I way off here?