Monday, November 9, 2009

Lola vs. A Very Special Guest

I have something infinitely special to share with all of you. I can't believe my/your luck. I have managed- due to some incessant nagging on my part and some keen interest from you readers thrown in- to convince my very lovely friend Kane to guest post today. Be prepared to have your minds, hearts, and privates blown:

Lola, I have come out of blog retirement to answer your followers’ burning questions. First of all, for this post, please do not use Kane. Kane is a character in the bible that didn’t get along with his brother. Abel was always hogging the bathroom and TV remote and stuff, so one day Kane was like, “The hell with this,” and stabs him in the face. I don’t want to be associated with aggro people like that. Now let me answer your readers’ questions, taken verbatim from your last post.

Q: Why are you so cool, wise, and otherwise outstanding?

A: Hey, sometimes miracles happen. Don’t question evolution when it is working properly.

Q: Can I be as cool as you?

A: No.

Q: Why?

A: It’s impossible. Your time and energy is better spent on attainable goals. See, I told you I was wise.

Q: Did Lola leave out some important information from her last post?

A: Yes, I’m glad you asked. Let me make an addendum to that.

I explained to Lola that guys have a classification system. Consciously or not, every girl gets a stamp saying “accepted” or “rejected” on their forehead with regards to whether they are bone-able or not. This is neither wrong nor right, it’s just the way life is- there is always going to be a pecking order. Some occasionally get the “epic fail” stamp; do not make eye contact with or speak to those people, unless you are feeling charitable that day. (By the way, some of the meaner or crazier things I say are just sarcastic jokes. If you needed this explanation you have no sense of humor.)

There are some very important exceptions, however, that must be noted.

1. Do not bone your friends’ girlfriends. This should go without saying. Also, do not bone your friends’ ex-girlfriends; if you are looking for some quick sex, have some virtue and find another chick that just wants to bone, there are plenty of them out there- for example, Lola Lakely of The only way I could see this happening is if the two of you really had something and you talked the whole thing over with your friend to make sure he/she is cool with it.

2. Do not bone people from work. If you have already boned someone from work that you did not marry, you already know why.

3. Do not bone your sister. Think of how awkward it would be if you saw each other at a family gathering. Cousins are ok, though, as long as they are at least twice removed. I don’t have a sister, but I can imagine it would be quite the temptation, since anyone that shares even 1% of my DNA is clearly going to be amazingly good-looking.

4. Do not bone girls that are bitches. I can’t stand a bad attitude. Also, if a girl blows me off once or twice on plans to hang out, I stop talking to her. There are plenty of girls that will not act like this. Guys that have low self-esteem or guys that will do anything to get laid may accept this kind of behavior, but they are not real men.

Q: Once a person is in a category, do they stay in that category?

A: You can change categories, but you’d better get started on those stomach crunches. Also, do something about that odious personality. A good benchmark for a quality personality would be me. Clearly I have the best personality, ever. To be honest though, my surly personality only gets me accolades if people understand my dark humor and think it’s funny. So you can be a niche personality like me and serve a specific audience, or go mainstream like Lola; she is well-liked and gets free stuff regardless of where she goes.

Q: What are the criteria for the forehead stamps?

A: That’s entirely subjective. Some people have crappy taste, and some people are me. Which smoothly leads us right into this next question. Damn I’m good.

Q: Can a girl get laid no matter how fugly she is?

A: Sort of. If a fugly girl goes up to every guy offering them sex, playing the numbers game, she will eventually find someone that will bone her. I’m sure this is also true if gender roles are reversed. However, if a guy has standards/taste, he will not just bone anyone. If Starr Jones and/or Rosie O’Donnell offered me some hot lovin’, they wouldn’t be able to finish their proposal because I’d be booking it at fast as my legs could carry me. Then I would spray Lysol into my eyes and cover my body in Purell in a fruitless attempt to remove that image from my mind.

Lola, once you’ve let your readers ruminate for a few days on how smart and wise I am, I think you should break down the caste system for women choosing men and how they determine bonability. I mean, for those women that don’t have me as an option, since I am automatically #1 on every woman’s “who do I need to bone before I die” list. That’s right, Fabio and Matthew McConaughey, there’s a new king in town!

Wouldn’t you like to hear Lola’s opinion on the matter?

I often find myself wiping a tear off my cheek because of the brilliance, the sweetness, that lies within his profound thoughts. So fellow bloggers, what do you think?

P.S. Although he clearly does not approve of the moniker I have given him, I stubbornly refuse to change it. It continues to be a pitched battle that shakes the very foundation of our friendship. But hey, I like to keep things interesting


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad he cleared up the "no boning your sister" bit! I was seriously about to go bone her before reading this post. Whew, saved me the trip.

Maryx said...

Definitely awaiting Lola's opinion on the matter! Awesome post! Unbelievable yet believable. Men?! Oh well, can't live with them can't live without them. =D

Anonymous said...

No sense getting a job if I can't do it with my coworkers.

The Peach Tart said...

I'm glad to know I can boink my cousin twice removed. I've been wondering that for years.

Simon said...

While I appreciate that this is a humorous piece, because I’m pedantic I can’t resist pointing out that Kane probably didn’t mean it when he said ‘Cousins are ok, though, as long as they are at least twice removed.’ This means cousins who are at least two generations older or younger than you: assuming you don’t yet have grandchildren they would be cousins of your grandparents, great-grandparents or older.

I suspect this may be even more embarrassing than boning your sister, especially as there is a fair chance that these people will be dead. Necrophilia may not carry the same stigma it once did, but it is frowned upon in polite society.

I’m sorry, but I felt bound to point that out.

Trinity said...

I like this person you call Kane. He is wise like Yoda.

Laura said...

@CoolAsFolk- I am infinitely pleased that my little blog saved you from making that mistake! I had no idea that my blog also doubled as a social service.

@Maryx- I hang out with a lot of guys and their personality traits have definitely rubbed off on me. I'm still not sure whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

@Secretia- Hear, hear!

@Peach- Again, my blog eases people's fears and brings people together. I am so humbled!

@Simon- I am sure that it was a simple slip of the tongue. He may have meant 2nd cousins. I'm not really quite sure what the whole removed business is anyway but I trust Kane enough to distinguish between what is one's god given right and what is considered wrong and frowned upon in polite society. Your views, as always, are enlightening and appreciated.

I think Morgan Freeman might disagree with you on your point though as he is currently boffing his step granddaughter.

@Trinity- He is my personal jedi master. One of a kind, he is.

Anonymous said...

Is Kane single? Give him my digits. I have a feeling he'd slap me around just how I like it.

And yes, please pose your ideas on the matter! I feel compelled to do my own.

Hannah Miet said...

Simon's comment cracked me up. I was thinking the same thing. That's another one for the list. Dead girls are out.

My favorite wisdom nugget is "You can change categories, but you’d better get started on those stomach crunches."


Laura said...

@angryredhead- Kane is single. I'll direct him to your blog. That is definitely a post that I have to put on my agenda!

Laura said...

@Hannah- Simon's comment cracked me up as well. That Kane is so attuned the feminine mystique, it's scary. My favorite line was "So you can be a niche personality like me and serve a specific audience, or go mainstream like Lola" Although, he forgot to mention the key population group that is not a fan of my personality type. The girlfriend.

Steve said...

Does this Kane have a blog of his own? He should, for sure.

The categories in my classification system are usually "hit it", "won't hit it", "i can look at her and not get mad", and "SWEET JESUS SOMEONE KILL IT OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE"

Jeanette said...

Classic post. And this Kane guy is wise, wise man. He should write/publish a book.

Chris Gooch said...

I can't wait to hear Lola give us her take on the caste system when it comes to women choosing men!

Kane forgot to mention that it is not acceptable to bone the sister or the mother of a friend - unless it is both of them at the same time.

Morgan Freeman is doing what?!

Unknown said...

Damn it - Candice beat me to it. I like this Kane person.

Laura said...

@hardlyhearshimself- Sadly he doesn't have his own blog. He used to but only came out of retirement because at least half of my posts have to do with him. The "Oh god kill it with fire." had me laughing!

@Jeanette- I am so glad to have a Kane in my life. He keeps me grounded. And whenever I get a little bit of an ego, he brings me back to earth. All kidding aside, he's a truly great friend.

@myterg- Do you now? I'll have to keep that in mind. Although, I'm not what you would call a typical girl (i.e. don't give a crap about money, cars, etc...) so I'm sure that most of the women on here probably won't agree with my caste system. I'll let him know about your addendum. Apparently Morgan Freeman is divorcing his current wife for his step granddaughter who is 27 to his 72. Creepy, huh?

@uncorked- As you know, I already have someone picked out for you!

Unknown said...

Oh right. Gotcha. Sorry, short term memory.

The Not-So-Eligible Bachelor said...

Why do all of the cool kids have to live so far away?

I need to party with y'all...

At least we can all be blog buddies.

Laura said...

@uncorked- When are my sweatpants coming in the mail?

@TheNotSoEligible- Blog buddies will have to do. And we can all do virtual shots together.

Unknown said...

Family holiday sweatpants don't get mailed - you must be present to receive them. Then you must eat and drink your face off to fill them out. Then you must pass out on the floor. THEN, and only then, you are deemed truly worthy of the sweatpants. I know you won't disappoint.

Laura said...

@uncorked- That makes so much sense now. I accept your challenge and one day, one day I hope to prove myself worthy of the holiday sweatpants.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I was just watching the Big Bang Theory and Howard was discussing the Wolowitz Coefficient. Neediness times dress size squared. I e-mailed a picture to Lola expressing what I was trying to say. Thanks for the niche personality statement. Now I can run around saying I have a reason for why I appeal to certain people~!

carissajaded said...

Umm... Kane sounds awesome. Though now I can't figure out what stamp I would get and I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to stop worrying about it... But I am getting on those crunches now.

tennysoneehemingway said...

Yes, know we need to know Lola's criteria for boneable guys. I know I'm already out of the mix, as I'm married but, if I wasn't, I know that you'd be on a plane in ten seconds flat.

Jeanette said...

Already commented on this but I gave you a special shout out on my blog... because you are awesome. Check it out!

Lola Lakely said...

@HappyHour- I need to start watching the Big Bang. Everyone gushes over it. That picture will give me nightmares for days, btw. I love having readers who think like you. And I'll thank Kane for the niche personality bit.

@carissajaded- Yes, he is like my yoda. Except dirtier and meaner. I'm sure your bangability factor is just fine!

@Tennyson- My criteria for boneable guys will definitely be in a post coming soon. But I fear it won't be too helpful, since I have a unique idea of what's attractive. Hells yes, I would be on a plane in ten seconds flat. No, make that 7 seconds. ;)

@Jeanette- I adore you to pieces, you do realize that, don't' you? I don't deserve half of the nice things you say about me!

Mr O said...

I am glad we finally got a glimpse into his mindset. But he used to blog? How did we miss out on that?

And like everybody else, I am waiting for your thoughts.

P.S. I like his moniker. At the risk of giving myself away, it reminds me of wrestling...

Madame DeFarge said...

I feel suitably enlightened, even at my advanced age, it's reassuring to learn something about the mind of the opposite sex. Even if I can't test it out first hand.

Laura said...

Lovely Mr. O- It was a long, long time ago when Kane used his powers for evil and not for good. Maybe I'll have him break out a few old entries for us. I really do have to get my thoughts down about the opposite sex, don't I? One of these days... one of these posts...

@Madame DeFarge- I am always enlightened in the presence of Kane. However, sometimes that enlightenment leads to regret. And then bouts of inexplicable anger.

blunt delivery said...

dearest twinkle in my eye,

are you trying to thrust another person at me and make me fall in love with them right now?

if so, that shall never work. my heart is yours and yours only. i almost felt like i was cheating on you after reading this.

desperate for you,


mo.stoneskin said...

"What are the criteria for the forehead stamps?"

Personally I believe there are no criteria. Well, apart from some ink, a stamp, and an understanding boss.

Meg said...

Ah, dry wit... god love him, why is he retired? I love a man who can rationalize retirement before 40.

Unknown said...

Time for a new post sister. I miss you. Our emails aren't enough.

Laura said...

Dearest Love Who I named a star after on the International Star Registry,

Do not worry, I would never tempt you with another person! I remain ever faithful and ever yours.

Desperately yours,


Laura said...

@mostoneskin- I believe that Kane and I really need to create this so called stamp, just to ease everyone's minds.

@onesassygirl- I firmly believe that he retired for the sole purpose of paving the way for me in the blogosphere.

@uncorked- I heart all of our interactions and I do promise to post soon. If only for you!

owo said...

He might be as cool as me. Almost.

Loved it.