Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Lola vs. My Dad is a Degenerate

Over the weekend I found out that my dad is a degenerate. Actually, this shouldn't really come as a big shock to me because before the age of fifty, he "retired" early from a rather high position at a company in order to become a master scuba diver. And yes, the word retired definitely deserves air quotes. As you can tell, I'm not bitter at all about it. Nope, no bitterness here (she writes with clenched teeth)!

I abandoned my typical not-getting-up-off-the-couch-Fat-Sunday plans to see The Blind Side (damn those motivational sports movies and their irritating ability to warm my otherwise cold, dead heart!!!) with my father. As we are chatting in his car, he casually slips in that he "double-dips" at the movies.

Lola: (looking at him suspiciously out of the corner of her eye) You do what now?
Dad: Double-dip.
Lola's sister: (from the backseat) I double-dip my cucumbers.
Lola: (turns to her dad) You dip your popcorn into your soda or something?
Dad: No, I pay for one movie and see two or three.
Lola: (in disbelief) Wait- let me get this straight-you sneak into movies now?
Dad: (by way of explanation) No, movie prices are outrageous!
Lola: What do you mean, no? You're not paying for the movies. Essentially, you're stealing.
Dad: (laughing) I prefer to think of it as double-dipping.
Lola: (exasperated) So you've said. (shaking her head) All these years, I've looked up to you. My opinion of you has been forever changed.

At nearly 60 years of age, my dad carefully examines the newspaper and plots out his schedule, adapting methods that probably haven't been implemented since the Napoleonic wars, for the express purpose of sneaking into two or three movies. However, during one of these infamous "double-dipping" sessions, he came across a slight hitch in his plans.

When my dad merrily snuck into see A Christmas Carol, a satisfied smile on his bearded face, he looked around and noticed that there was something odd about the people around him. They were all wearing 3-d glasses, which they had gotten when they had PURCHASED a ticket. This left my dad in a quandary. He couldn't go back to the desk to request the aforementioned glasses, because then the theater folk would know that he circumvented their ticketing system.

So he did the only thing he could.

He snuck back out of the movie and walked across the hall to a giant blue bin with a sign that pleaded: "Please Return Your 3-D Glasses Here!". His eyes darted back and forth, making sure the coast was clear, and then he stuck his hand down the bin. He brandished the pair of glasses, placed them on his nose triumphantly, and then promptly smuggled himself back inside the theater.

And this, dear readers, is the man I am supposed to have received my moral values from.

Before I leave all of you for the Thanksgiving Holiday, I would like to give a very special shout-out to one of my readers. I received a wonderful surprise from one of you (you know who you are!) and I wanted to send lots of naughtiness, love, and flirtations glances your way because getting it in the mail yesterday brightened up this red-head's day! So I am sending you big, sloppy kisses.

Have a naughty day, fellow bloggers.

P. S. Has anyone else heard of using the words double-dipping in reference to sneaking into a movie? Or do we need to add this to the urban dictionary?


tennysoneehemingway said...

I can't say as I've ever heard of double-dipping in reference to sneaking into the movies. I don't know whether I like it. Not the sneaking into movies part, but the double dipping part. It doesn't sound right to me.

Simon said...

No, never heard that one before. But clearly this is the man you inherited your moral values from. :)

Anonymous said...

Your dad is spectacular! We have words for people like him here in NYC and that is "gangsta".

Also, I love how you added your sister's "I double-dip my cucumbers" comment. HAHAHAH.

mo.stoneskin said...

"You dip your popcorn into your soda or something?"

Fantastic idea.

In every cinema I've been to they ask for your ticket at the door of each screen, so sadly it wouldn't work to "double-dip". You could still put popcorn in soda though, there is no rule against that, apart from common decency of course.

Anonymous said...

A lot of people do that in the movies. It doesn't make him a bad father, ha ha. A nice Thanksgiving to you and your family!


Hunter said...

That's not called double dipping. It's known as sticking it to the man!

I figure, by the time I'm 60, movies will be something like $75 a person. If so, I'll be sticking it to the man too.

Have a happy Thanksgiving.

Trinity said...

WOW. I have heard of teens doing this and I have done it a couple of times but I wouldn't have expected a mature indivudual to do that. I guess your Dad isn't mature.

Mr. Condescending said...

Hey I always thought double dipping was when a guy does two chicks in the same day.

Mr O said...

i've always heard of double dipping being (this is an example) when you dip a chicken nugget in some sauce and then use the same part of the chicken nugget you bit from to eat from the sauce again. This phrase is usually only applied to when two people are sharing sauce, therefor it is "gross."

With that said, your dad is my hero. I decided that when you said he plots out his times. That is amazing. ONE time I snuck into a movie. I went to see the Grindhouse double feature and then as I was leaving 300 was still playing so I sat in there for a minute, shaking the whole time thinking I was going to get caught. It was one of the funnest/scariest things I had done haha

miss. chief said...

I don't even get how he sneaks into other ones. The theaters I go to have ninja assassins working there or something. You can't even go to the bathroom without them checking your ticket.

Unknown said...

Amazing. Proof once again that our families are meant to be joined together into one large, dysfunctional family. I have never heard "double-dipping" in reference to sneaking to movies, but I think it is most definitely urban dictionary worthy.

Anonymous said...

What a fine example of a Moral Compass pointing true North.... He must be a genius to get around all those Ninja's and high paying, buff security guards employed by the theatre....

The Peach Tart said...

He sounds like quite a character. I've seen people do that at our local drive in theater. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Yikes, when you said double dipping I thought he was pulling a Pee Wee Herman masturbation sequence. Ya know he got arrested in a FL theater for yanking his Pee Wee right?

Jeanette said...

I have on an occasion or two snuck into a movie after only paying for one. I attribute it to having nothing to do in this hick town I live in. I have never resorted to taking 3d glasses though haha.

Laura said...

@Tennyson- I definitely don't like it when used in reference to sneaking into movies. It makes me feel...strange.

@Simon- Clearly. Should I be upset about this or excited? I'm thinking a little from column A, a little from column b.

@CoolasFolk- I will certainly let him know that you think that he is gangsta. I am sure he would appreciate the comparison. It was kind of funny because she wasn't really paying attention to the conversation going on in the front seat.

@mo.stoneskin- Yes, me to! But apparently he goes during the day, where they could care less about who goes into what theater.

@Secretia- Yes, doesn't make him a bad father. However, not a paragon of virtue. Thanks for the wishes! Have a nice Holiday!

@Hunter- Yes, yes- that's waaay better than double-dipping. I'll make sure he uses that phrase from now on. Because double-dipping to me is quite strange. Have a nice Holiday as well!

@Trinity- Yup, I am so proud of the depths of immaturity in which he sinks.

@Mr. C- Exactly. He gets fired for using the phrase so inappropriately.

@Lovely Mr. O- That's EXACTLY what I thought double-dipping was too. That's how I always used the phrase anyway. He's crazy about planning. I haven't done the sneaking into a movie thing since I was in highschool. I had no idea that the possibility still existed.

@Miss.chief- They do that around here at night when most people go to the movies. But during a weekday, I guess they are short staffed and don't care.

@uncorked- I know, right? It has further solidified the eventuality that you will marry into my family. Someone needs to add it ASAP. Although the phrasing still makes me feel funny.

@Anonymous- Yes those ninjas that often attend Clearview cinemas are very hard to fool . My dad's got some mad skills apparently.

@The Peach Tart- That he is. That he is. I do not know whether to be proud or disturbed. Sometimes it's both. You too! Will you be cooking?

@Stereos and Souffles- I can't even comment about that without vomiting a little in my mouth. Happy Thanksgiving! Yaaaaay!

Laura said...

@Jeanette- Then that is perfectly acceptable! Yeah, that pretty much crossed the line. When I said that. he was like "Well, I did clean them off!"

linlah said...

Um, I like that your dad could "retire" and that it requied air quotes - sometimes old people need air qoutes to get a job in an occupation they love or just an occupation. I have a resume I'd be happy to share.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I'd totally celebrate his craftiness. That's just brilliant thinking.

Hannah Miet said...

I don't want to ever hear the term "double dipping" escape the lips of my father.

Your dad sounds like a pretty stand up dude.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Not-So-Eligible Bachelor said...

Sometimes I triple dip, but it all depends on whether or not the chick is tired...

Madame DeFarge said...

Your dad is officially the coolest man around. But I'm not entirely sure that double dipping is quite the right term. Depends what type of film he's going to see I suppose though.

Honey Bee said...

Hahaha that's sooo coool! Honestly, I think he'd be so much fun. ANd on top of that, this is the kinda thing I can totally expect my dad to do!

jules said...

I have friends who double dip to movies all the time. They weren't clever enough to coin the term however, so kudos to your clever dad for that!

Mr. Condescending said...

Lola I miss you

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

@linla- Everything he does feels like it should come with air quotes.
@angryredhead- And you wonder where I get my diabolical nature. Muahahaha.
@The Not So Eligible- Yeah, I so don't want to think of that in conjuction with my father.
@Madame Defarge-It's defintely not the right term! I'm glad so many people agree with me.
@Nahl-He is fun. Insane but fun.
@Jules- I am still afraid of his term.
@Mr. C. Oh Mr. C, I will be back. It's so nice to know I've been missed. You've just officially made my day.

jerrod said...

really.. where are you? if there were ever a certain time to be had... it's lola time. come say hi.

owo said...

Your dad seems like a smart man. With "double dipping" as an exception. I agree with Mr.C's definition.

Now, where the eff are you?

Anonymous said...

shhh... it's a secret to everybody

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