Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Lola vs. Bangability and Why I No Longer Sleep Naked

Slipping into bed, my deep velvet eyes heavy lidded with sleep, I let the covers whisper over my body. I can't help the smile that plays at the corner of my lips because getting into bed at night is one of my favorite things in the world. It feels decadent, sinful, maybe even a little naughty which is why I adore sleeping naked. The soft, silky sheet against my bare skin is a teasing caress. The pillow resting on my cheek a flirty, little night cap.

Of course, this was before The-I-Thought-My-House-Was-Being-Ransacked-
And-I-Was-About
-To-Be-Taken-Hostage-And-Stuffed-Into-A-Trunk-
Incident-of-2009
.

It was about 4:30 am when I was startled out of a very delicious dream about David Tennant (whose glasses and crazy hair wearing, smart, sexy and slightly manic doctor is the essence of bangability in my book) by a crash outside of my bedroom. Bleary-eyed, and just a bit crazy at the edges, I dashed out of bed. My pulse was hammering in my ears as I flung the door open with a shriek. Still hazy, I grabbed the only weapon I had at my disposal, a rather rangy 10 year old wooden mop, and leapt into the living room.

It was quite unfortunate that my attacker happened to be my elderly neighbor, retrieving his hissing, spitting behemoth of a cat from my front porch who in its 4am frenzy had apparently knocked over a flower pot, a stool, and a pair of mischievous wind chimes. There was a brief shocking moment where we both froze and stood there staring at each other.

Me with my ragged, decrepit weapon and him with his seething, evil feline.

I think, but can't be quite sure, that there was a whispered, "Oh. My. Word." right before I turned tail and ran to the safety of my bedroom.

Had he been a real adversary, I totally would have housed him. Because honestly, I'm sure that there is nothing more intimidating to a kidnapper than a naked girl jumping around, screaming and stabbing the air violently with a mop.



32 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, running into battle naked was a tactic adopted by many barbarian tribes. It either scares the shit out of the enemy or makes them horny, neither of which are helpful for combat readiness. Pity no one took a picture.

Mr O said...

so this comment is either going to come across as inappropriate or a compliment, but somehow due to fate I checked this post before going to sleep. And while I got an entertaining story before going to sleep, I am now picturing you naked before I go to sleep.

If it makes things any better, you are also half asleep with a mop in your hand. But naked nonetheless.

tattytiara said...

Boobs are as effective as headlights on deer against the majority of male intruders, and much more dependable than stun guns.

mo.stoneskin said...

Fantastic. Of course, it still won't deter me from sleeping naked.

Simon said...

I entirely agree with the above comments. If you’d been wearing pyjamas or a nightdress the ‘shock and awe’ effect of leaping out with a mop would have been dramatically reduced.

Coincidentally I’m just watching a rerun of one of the David Tennant Doctor Who series on the telly at the moment. Your remarks pique my curiosity. I (and I suspect many men) would have thought that the glasses and the general look he adopts would have the reverse effect. There again, being a bloke, I don’t tend to dwell on such things much, and concentrate on episodes such as Blink, with the extremely cute Carey Mulligan. :)

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Yes, I actually think, if it was a real intruder, you would've been able to stop him in his tracks and ram the broom square up his jacksy, thanks to your nakedideddy. Of course, it may have been less effective if the intruder was a woman but, then again, who knows?

Secretia said...

If the cat starts coming over every nite, then you've got a problem (either one of those "cats")

Secretia

Cool as Folk said...

That definitely wouldn't scare a kidnapper off. If anything, he'd think "Awesome, she mops too."

Maryx said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
SO something an old man wanted to see that time of night. I bet he thought 'Well screw the cat I'll just take her!' Heehee! Guess you made his night sweetie... =D

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

hahahaha...The old man must've have been so happy that his cat was off to your area. What a sight that must have been for the old fella. I bet he went to bed happy. hehehe

Trinity said...

Wow. That is all I can think of. Wow!

Jeanette said...

When I younger I would always sleep in the nude and then I went through a stage where I was morbidly afraid of a fire/flood/tornado happening in the night so I had to be prepared for the worst and therefore clothed incase of emergency.

*uncorked said...

Oh Lola - again the similarities are striking. Crawling into bed is my favorite time of the day. It does feel slightly naughty, even if alone. Sometimes especially if alone. I once bought myself some shiny satin sheets, and a shiny satin nightgown and had my own little slip 'n slide party in my bed every night.

Merrick said...

Don't mess with a naked woman who is bleary eyed with a bit of crazy at the edges. Trying to hold back the "petting his kitty" and "did you need to use the mop on the porch" jokes. . .it's a struggle.

Moonjava said...

Hahahahahaha! I needed that laugh dearly.

I'm sure he'll be reliving that moment for a while to come.

The Not-So-Eligible Bachelor said...

That's freakin' hilarious!

I've had dreams that involved random naked girls and mops...

And of course by mop I mean wood.

...and by wood I mean THIS GUY (pointing at self with thumbs).

PS... I like sleeping naked with chicks that are also naked because when spooning it's easy to pull a "whoopsie daisy!" Plus the silky sheets feel great on my skin and all that stuff...

angryredhead said...

I think the shock value would have stalled the murderer/robber/intruder long enough for you to take that mop handle and aim it right at their BALLS. also, i'm impressed you acted...I would have laid in my bed in a terrified heap.

mysterg said...

Ooh not only do I sleep naked too, if I also get to dress up as Doctor Who then I think I may just love you!

Organic Meatbag said...

How does it feel to know that you must have been instant Viagra for the old chap? Hehehehe... and oh yeah, I totally sleep in the buff too...makes me feel like a porn star...hehehehe
So if somebody comes frantically pounding on my door in the middle of the night, I will open the door and greet them...and I mean ALL of me...hahahaha

Lola Lakely said...

@Gorillas- Yes, a pity someone didn't take a picture. I was hoping that image would be immortalized in film, you know to warn away all of the would be attackers.

Lovely Mr. O- Be as inappropriate as you like. After all that's what this site is for! ;) A little does of wicked never hurt anyone.

@tattytiara- Boobs > Stun Guns. I'll make a mental note of that.

@mo.stone- If I had to be completely honest, it probably won't deter me either. Especially if I have a companion.

@Simon- I'm afraid our neighborly relationship has been forever changed by a piece of wood. The coincidences just keep cropping up don't they? David Tennant is dead sexy. It's those glasses, those deep eyes, and that cheeky green. Combined with the snarky wit, he just HAS me. Absolutely.

@Tennyson- I'm not quite sure what I would have done had it been a woman. Hmmmm. Ask her in for a pillow fight maybe?

@Secretia- True. It has been quite a long time since I have seen him though. So maybe he is avoiding what he thinks as of "the naked house."

@CoolasFolk- I'm sure he was only thinking that I needed cleaning supplies.

WhiteSockGirl said...

If you can take five seconds off from your fabulously hot life, get yourself to my blog. I have something for you. It is fab. It is bitch.

Lola Lakely said...

@maryx- Gives new meaning to the expression morning wood, doesn't it?

@chunkygirlmel- Why do I still think he looked horrified? Maybe it was the moonlight.

@Trinity- I hope that was not wow as in mortified or disgusted.

@jeanette- Well now, I'm super paranoid. Ever since the would be intruder messed up my sleep, i tend to be worried that a fire/flood/tornado will occur as well. And now old men looking for their cats is on that list. Slightly less terrifying but still.

@uncorked- Doesn't it just? How have we not realized that we were meant to be in each other's lives before this.

@merrick- I really, really had to hold back on using the p word. It just was too much.

@Moonjava- I wonder if he told his wife.

@TheNotSoEligibleBachelor- Mmm, i love me some flesh on flesh. With a little dash of silky sheets.

@angryredhead- I blame my sleep delirium for the brief flirtation with bravery. I can't imagine I would do that any other time.

@Mysterg- Call me. Immediately. And you may think I'm kidding but I would do anything to get a Dr. Who in my bed. Please tell me you have access to a pair of glasses?

@Organic- I like to think there must be a little essence of me in every dose of viagra. Or so I tell myself.

Lola Lakely said...

@whitesockgirl- Seriously? You rock. I am completely undeserving. Your blog is just fabulous!

Mr. Condescending said...

For some reason I get turned on by thinking of a girl sleeping nakie!

I think it's worth the risk of intruders.

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr. C- Glad I could inspire some lust. Yes, perhaps it is. I'll have to rethink my position.

The Peach Tart said...

I sleep naked too and can just imagine a similar incident happening although it would be nice if it were a hot man retrieving his cat.

Hunter said...

I believe that's actually a tribal mating dance that you described at the end there. ;)

Lola Lakely said...

@Peach Tart- I know! There should be hot eligible men coming to my door at 430am instead. Although, I don't imagine I would be getting much sleep. Ever.

@Hunter- Uhoh, does that mean I could be married????

Madame DeFarge said...

I still sleep naked in the hope of being woken up by a burly fireman with tremendous lung capacity. It's almost worth ignoring a smoke alarm for.

otherworldlyone said...

Now everytime he pets his pussy, he'll think about yours.

It couldn't be helped. You know it.

Lola Lakely said...

@Madame DeFarge- Mmmmmm, burly fireman. What is it about a man in uniform with tremendous lung capacity that is just too damn irresistible?

@otherworldlyone- I was going to add that in but decided against it at the last minute. And I applaud you for putting it up. I'm sure everyone else wanted to.

jules said...

Great story. Well written. I can totally see myself doing this!