Thursday, October 8, 2009

Lola vs. ZombieRelationshipland

***Don't worry this post has no real spoilers for Zombieland and in fact has more to do with my views on my current life than anything else. Intrigued? Well, read on.***

It you haven't seen Zombieland, you should go see it. Immediately. It's awesome. I have rather a sick sense of humor so, of course, this gruesome horror comedy held non-stop amusement for me and the Zombie apocalypse theme followed so closely on the heels of my latest adventure with Kane, that I couldn't help but love it.

The Zombies in this movie are not the lumbering, walking dead but instead have the retard-strength of the super jacked up, frothing creatures that you see in 28 Days Later or the Dawn of the Dead. They also ooze more liquid out of their orifices than anything I have ever seen or would care to see in real life. Given this description of the zombies, you can imagine that the characters have to get pretty inventive in battling them. In fact, Columbus' list of rules (which are in the previews) for surviving in his zombie-infested world is a fantastic running gag throughout the movie.

As he rambled off his list of rules for the enraptured audience around me, I suddenly had an epiphany. He uses the same rules for surviving Zombieland that I employ in conjunction with relationships! While it would be silly, not to mention ridiculously long-winded of me, to name all of them so I'll just have to settle with hitting the major rules below.

How to Survive A Zombie Attack/Relationship

Rule #1- Cardio

"Run like hell. Don't stop running. Keep running." Interestingly enough, I employ the same technique to attract a man that I do in avoiding a relationship with one. First to sculpt the body and then second to use that sculpted body to flee from commitment.

Rule#2- Double Tap

Why conserve ammo? You need to make absolutely certain that sucker is dead. When dating someone, I like to inform them right off the bat that I don't want a relationship and just in case that commitment notion doesn't die within his mind immediately I use the Double Tap method by equating a relationship with vomit. Usually it works. Usually.

Rule #4 and #18- Seat belts & Limber Up

It should be self explanatory when I use these in conjunction with each other but you should always be safe before you limber up.

Rule#22- When in doubt know your way out

Always have an exit strategy when it comes to the undead and dating. This is particularly useful when you're on a horrible blind date where you actually witness the guy swiping the tip you have left for the waitress before you leave(true story).

Now not only have I equated commitment with vomiting, but I have also officially referred to a monogamous relationship as a a ferocious, infected undead entity that is scary, gnarly, and gross. Oh my, look how far I've come (this is where if I had a sarcasm font, I would take full advantage of it)! Doesn't this just warm the cockles of your heart?

There is something seriously wrong with me.


Mr O said...

there is nothing wrong with you. At all. Comparing relationships to zombies = brilliant.

And this:
Always have an exit strategy when it comes to the undead and dating.

should be a rule of life

(that true story of yours is crazy. I feel like I constantly have to apologize for males when reading blogs, and this another of those times)

La Belle Mere UK said...

Ooooh.... good analogy! I love analogies like this!!

I once watched District 9 and then wrote a post on how Stepmothers are like skanky, big slimy aliens that feed from people's butts! Similarities can be found in the bizarrest places!!!

LBM xxxxxxxx

ladytruth said...

I usually follow the same method: if all else fails: run and avoid, run and avoid! The poor soul would phone or text me for weeks and weeks and that truly is the beauty of caller ID. Best invention this side of the century, because some men just could never understand the words: "No relationship". You'd think they'd love you for not wanting to commit to whining and sobbing, but no. Some men just don't get it ;)

The Peach Tart said...

Great analogy. Relationships and zombies. Priceless.

Hunter said...

Very funny indeed.

Might I suggest the opposite approach to the double tap? Try talking about marriage and children right off the bat. That should be sufficient to scare most guys out of thinking "relationship" from the start.

Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

Zombies wanting to eat your brain > guy who swipes the tip before leaving.

A blind date with an undead? EVEN BETTER.

Anonymous said...

You do know what to do in an emergency!

How about those dark alleys now!

The Caped Tirader said...

Ah Lola...this is one of my favorite posts you've ever done. Very amusing. You have effectively illustrated how the rules to surviving a zombie apocalypse can apply to real life situations, thus further proving that zombie movies, and your blog, are awesome

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I'm struggling to not be too much of an anus here because I know that there is inherently nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship and you're choice is your own. Having said that, I feel a little sad that you might be missing out on something awesome by not taking the chance. Sorry, I can't help it. I want everyone to be in the sort of relationship I have. I'm selfish that way.

Trinity said...

Lola, you should really take this farther and come up with a plausible scenerio where you can fend off a home zombie/male invasion. If either came to your home would you be able to protect yourself? Do you have multiple escape routes? Can you hole up in your house for days? Do you have food and water on hand? Think about it.

otherworldlyone said...

That was inspiring. And true.

The only difference for me is in #1. I don't generally run. I amble away slowly, confident that I scared them enough to keep them at bay. If they happen to follow, they might get injured. Dating is a dangerous thing, you know.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Oh, my. When the movie ended (and I don't want to spoil it for anyone), I thought his closing words were quite illustrative. This post so nails it.

And you are right about the oozing....yuckkkkk. I loved when he was trying to beat off the one zombie with the toilet paper roll~! This was such a great combo of yuck and funny and a little bit of scary. I loved it.

Loved this post. Maybe we all need to practice the new rule #17...BE a hero.

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr. O- No apology necessary! I'm sure women are just as crazy and difficult.
@LaBelleMere- Any stepmother who can connect themselves to an alien, is A.O.K in my book!
@Ladytruth- Seriously, get the hint buddy. You and I need to be on the same continent at some point and go for a drink.
@Peach- Why, thank you darling.
@Hunter- Except I wouldn't be able to get through it with a straight face.
@coolasfolk- Which is why I admire you.
@Secretia- They are a part of my exit strategy.
@caped Tirader- I thought you might like this one, given your penchant for horror movies. Thanks for the nice comment! ;-)

Lola Lakely said...

@Tenn-I don't think you could ever be an anus if you tried. I think it is lovely what you and Lady Hem and I certainly don't mean to say that there is something wrong with being in one. It's just not for me right now. Perhaps one day I will change my mind.
@Trinity- Ohhh, you have just given me yet another reason to procrastinate at work. It is why I heart you.
@otherworldlyone- well if ambling away slowly works for you, why mess with it?
@HappyHour- You were a big reason for this post, you know, maybe not in mentality but certainly in inspiration. Also, they have added rules like the Bowling Ball and the Buddy System to their youtube videos. Check it out!

WhiteSockGirl said...

kwakwakwakwakwakwa!!!!! (That is the African equivalent to LMAOX10)

You are crazy, aren’t you? That was absolutely brilliant. I am still laughing.

You could be my evil twin from another Mother,.. different continents and all.

I need to check out your other stuff.

Gorilla Bananas said...

How about dating a zombie and killing two birds with one stone? They may even teach you some kinky shit before you destroy them.

Lola Lakely said...

@Whitesockgirl- thanks for returning the favor and stopping by! I got the sense that we have very similar senses of humor! Check away.
@Gorilla- Hello my furry friend. I thought about it but then I couldn't get past the oozing orifices.

Amanda said...

This is absolutely great! I love it. I used to love creating analogies just like this before the hubs started getting all offended by them, lol. I am actually really cynical about relationships, and heaven knows mine isn't all wine and roses, but MacGyver worked hard to sooth my cynicism and trick, er, I mean woo, me into marrying him.

If you're interested, the story of all my committment issues and how he did it is at

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on Cheap Wine and Cookies! MacGyver really is the most wonderful guy, but there are definitely moments of friction, they just seldom find their way onto the blog. ;-)

Lola Lakely said...

@Amanda- Thanks for the return trip! ;) I am definitely going to check out your story. Any relationship that is all wine and roses is probably a fake one.

Jeanette said...


Hannah Miet said...

I'm obsessed with Zombies and relationship phobic. I'm also an egomaniac, and must include that this awesome post was created solely for my pleasure.

In any case, it made my day.

Cooper said...

Congrats Lola. Not many people have the talent to compare a zombie movie with commitment issues.

For those of you that want to see Lola in a me, you don't. Not pretty.


Anonymous said...

The only thing wrong with you is that you are far more awesome than I, because who else is brilliant enough to relate zombie attacks to dating? You, that's who. The suspense was well worth it!!!!!! xoxo

Lola Lakely said...

@Jeanette- You have to! And when you do, you need to tell me what you think.
@Cooper- *Gasp* I wasn't that bad. It was the others that were bad. Especially the last one. Awful.
@angryredhead- Pshaw- you are ridiculously awesome and I'm sure you've come up with some impressive analogies in your time.

Lola Lakely said...

@Hannah Miet- I am so very glad that my heartless, commitment-phobic post could make your day, after all it is all about you.

blunt delivery said...

Dear lover that definitely did not inspire the book He's Just NOt That Into You,

I haven't tried the vomit association, but I'm adding that to my list of exit strategies. I have, however, tried several of your other tricks. the problem is, i'm usually staring a ring in the eyes before i get up the guts to use said strategies.

sigh. when all along, i've just been holding out for you.

longingly yours,


Simon said...

‘…where you actually witness the guy swiping the tip you have left for the waitress…’

He probably thought you were paying him for the pleasure of his company, and possibly his pending sexual services.

I Wonder Wye said...

I see all the Zombies I could want just swinging by Wal-Mart. You are paying your dues......gotta agree with Simon on this one -- what a jack leg......

*uncorked said...

This made my heart smile from my near-death bed. I will love you forever.

Lola Lakely said...

Dearest Zombie killing side-kick,

The only ring I could possibly dream of accepted would be yours.



Lola Lakely said...

@Simon- Shame on me fornot realizing that I was paying him for the pleasure of his company! I should never have left him standing outside of that restaurant. Oh whatever shall I do? What if I had missed my chance?

@Iwonderwye- Thank you so much for stopping by! Perhaps I should take a trip down to the local Walmart to practice.

@Uncorked- I miss you ever so much. I am so glad I could bring comfort in your darkest hour. It seems as if perhaps you need to come and see Lola for some miracle cure!

mo.stoneskin said...

"the retard-strength of the super jacked up"

A shame, a real shame. But even Deborah Ross enjoyed the film so maybe I should watch it.

Lola Lakely said...

@mo.stoneskin- Go, Run, use rule #1 to get to the movie theater.