Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Lola vs. Frozen Foods Have the Power to Destroy Relationships

I witnessed a marriage disintegrate in the frozen food section of the grocery store. Right under the Specialty Desert Items sign.

At least when you get into a fight at home, there are places you can retreat to in order to avoid your significant other. But options are limited in the Stop and Shop. Embarrassment is heightened. And onlookers (specifically me) are frenzied.

"Oh for heaven's sake." I heard the woman say through clenched teeth. She wore the kind of expression that's twisted half-way between a grimace and a smile. Although the expression is usually meant to hide the anger, it almost always makes your face a grotesque mask of anxiety. "Just relax, John."

Telling someone to relax in the middle of a fight is like tossing gasoline on an already lit fire in order to douse the flames. Whoever thought of the "relax" method to end an argument should be shot. Obviously John was of this same opinion because his face immediately turned an angry shade of purple. So I, of course, settled into the ice cream section and pondered over the life altering decision of choosing between green tea ice cream or chunky chocolate chip.

"Sheila," came John's hissed reply. "I told you I don't care what we get."
"Right, you say that now. " Sheila abandoned all pretense of a smile and pressed her mouth into a thin line. "What happens when we get home and you realize you really wanted something else?"
"Just get the damn Dove ice cream bars and let's get out of here."

In response, Sheila yanked the glass door to the freezer open so hard that I thought (okay, hoped) it might fly off the hinges. She fervently ripped one of the packages out, flung it into the cart, and stalked away from her husband. Wisps of steam whipped around John, his bulk hunched over the front of his cart, as he helplessly watched Sheila's retreating figure.

I feel sad as the sound of Sheila's ice-pick heals clicking on the floor faded in the distance. Poor John and his beaten up old Yankee cap. Perhaps back at home, he thought taking Sheila to the grocery store had been a good idea. But now it probably seemed like the Dove ice cream bars now melting in his grocery cart.

Quite different from my normal look-at-how-drunk-naughty-and-silly-I-got-
posts, huh? Of course quite a lot of that happened this past weekend, including a rather pointed judgment from a lone ATM that initiated a Health Check after I got my money, but I thought I would shake things up a bit! Couple fights in public happen to be one of my pet peeves, possibly because my ex was a big fan of doing this. And it was always about the most ridiculous, inane things. I never understood it.

So I thought maybe some of you could shed some light. Or at least share some experiences.


Jeanette said...

Grocery stores are crazy places indeed. Once I heard a guy say "Alright, all I need now is saran wraps and rubber bands" I wanted to tell him "sir, that's probably not gonna be effective."

tattytiara said...

I can't keep from thinking about how the resentment's going to flare up again every time they open the freezer door and see those damn Dove bars sitting there.

Vodka Logic said...

Been there, done that... but I don't care if you are

And the just relax during an arguement is completely obsene. My husband does it...drives me mad.

And can you really by Green tea icecream in the shops... I would love to find some.

Anonymous said...

Parents fighting in public that makes the kids all upset freaks me out.

Anonymous said...

Enough said and point made.

This is EXACTLY why I favour sorbet over ice cream. Far less passion involved.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I think Lady Hem and I have only ever had a fight in the grocery store when we've both been kind of tired. It's usually forgotten once we get outside. I agree with you, I hate public arguements. Especially when there's nothing really to argue about. But it's always the way; it's the little things that upset us the most. It's the little things that kill.

Judearoo said...

Could be they went home and had fabulous make up sex afterwards.. might be quite a happy ending

Amy said...

Totally reminds me of that skit from Dane Cook about nothing fights.

Also, what on earth is a health check from an ATM?

The Peach Tart said...

I hate to see couples fighting in public. Keep it at home folks.

Hunter said...

I never fight with my wife in public. I'd die of embarrassment if she knocked me out in the middle of the grocery store. ;)

Trinity said...

If I were in that situation, instead of fighting I would have just bought a few different ice creams and then not only would I have a happy wife, I would have more ice cream.

That guy is stupid

*uncorked said...

I don't think grocery shopping should ever be done together. Any kind of shopping. In fact, I generally like to keep my men tied up in the basement so as to avoid public scenes.

Really though, I do enjoy watching a good couple fight. Grocery stores are good, pharmacies are better, car dealerships are the best. The man always trying to negotiate and be all businesslike when really all the woman needs to do is flash some cleavage for that free extra automatic key opener and keychain. I love to people watch - can you tell? Oh, the airport is a good one too - for some reason people completely freak the fuck out about traveling and take it out on each other.

*uncorked said...

Also, you failed to mention your hot wax experience this past weekend. Anxiously awaiting. Actually, I know the story, so not so much waiting as ready to hear it again.

Lola Lakely said...

@Jeanette- Wow, that is one awesome comment to overhear. You really should have said something!

@tattytiara- Thanks for stopping by! Good point. Those half melted Dove bars will ever be a reminder of bad things.

@vodkalogic- It's so condescending and it drives me insane as well. Wtf with the button pushing. It only makes things worse. Yes you can. It's just hard to find!

@Matthew- You've obviously not had Blood Orange Sorbet then. Mmmm, even thinking about it makes the passion inside stir deep within me.

@Tenn- The little things indeed. You never get into substantial fights, it's always about silly things.

@Judearoo- I hope so. Although the tension between those two seemed to signify a wrongness somehow.

@Amy- Thank you so much for stopping by. I have absoltuely no clue! When I got my money, a big message flashed on the screen "Health Check in Progress." I fled.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Fighting over dessert is ridiculous. Everyone knows the more sweets the better. Not either or. It's BOTH fools!

mysterg said...

I would die of embarrasment if I had such a public argument so instead I just run away much like you did from your health check!

Lola Lakely said...

@Peach- Here, here! Sometimes it can't be avoided but

@Hunter- I've never seen a guy get knocked out by his wife before. Kind of sounds interesting.

@Trinity- That is because you're kind of a brilliant man.

@uncorked- YES! People do tend to freak out about traveling- I don't know why. And I love watching people be completely irrational for no good reason. I usually get freaks coming up to me randomly in airports. As for the hot wax thing, I was going to post about my weekend since so many ridiculous things happened but I feel like those are most of my posts lately. I need to fool people into thinking I'm not a raging alcoholic. Although, I will post just for you if you want! Cause you're my future sister in law, after all.

@Stereos- The more sweets the better indeed! I think I need a mini-freezer in my office to store massive amounts of frozen tasty delights. And yes I said tasty delights.

Anonymous said...

That's definitely right up there with fighting in front of each other's friends. GAWD. Not only do you look like friggen idiots, you're making your friends uncomfortable too!!

Lola Lakely said...

@mysterg- Ahhh, the cut and run method. I am a big fan of that technique. My problem is that I use it way too much for no good reason. The "Initiating Health Check" message was possibly the weirdest thing that happened to me at an ATM ever. I still can't get over it and I wonder what it means.

Lola Lakely said...

@angryredhead- I know! As a friend who has witnessed fights, you never know what to do. I often just emply mysterg's cut and run method. Or really slowly slink away.

blunt delivery said...

Dearest person to whom i'd donate my kidney without thinking twice,

i apologize for my absence. again. new job. all sorts of stuff going on...

that's weird cus i was JUST thinking about writing a blog about how you DON"T tell a woman to calm down inthe middle of a fight. seriously. that's the way to piss me off.

longingly yours,


Hannah Miet said...

Public fights are a pet peeve of mine too. But I am so thankful that you and I are both onlookers rather than participants (my ex was a fan as well). I do a lot of things in public. Like dancing on bars, momentarily believing that I'm David Bowie. Sometimes, I tell secrets to strangers on the train. Public displays of anger? Not so much.

Mr. Condescending said...

Haha I LOVE seeing stuff like this! And love just as much reading it. I'm waiting someday to see a woman beat the sh*t out of a guy in public.

I like especially when I hear a couple arguing so loudly over whether they can afford something or not.

Last week I was pissing at home depot and some guy was in a stall talking on the phone, and was actually on the phone with his credit card company trying to get more! I second V's hot wax inquiry.

Mr O said...

I hate the Real World. Like, can't stand it. I feel all that show is watching people fight and the producers do things to cause them to fight. Why am I mentioning this show in regards to your post? Because I consider myself a hypocrite. While I hate that show, if I see a couple fighting in public, I have to linger (check my "messages," tie my shoe, become obsessed over a mystery stain)

I am very weird about fighting in public. It would actually cause more fights because I would just clam up and get quiet because I didn't wanna talk it out like that. Fighting. One thing I don't really miss from relationships...

Oh, and I like these kind of posts too. Just sayin

Mr O said...

P.S. I don't know if you are a Dane Cook hater, fan, or neutral, but I like the guy. Once again, why am I bringing this up? Cuz he had a set that sort of focused on this.

I didn't listen to the whole thing, and have no idea why it is set to anime, but here is some of the set

Anonymous said...

I LOVE public disputes. I bask in other people's miseries.

Girl: "Michael, don't you dare walk away from me."

The Caped Tirader said...

Public couple fights are ALWAYS about the most stupid things...But who else, other than with the one you 'love', would anyone want to throw down over the type of junk food to buy...

Lola Lakely said...

Dearest Love of My Life Whose Absence Really Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder,

Your comment is exactly why we are meant to be. Our blogging tendencies are oh so similar.

Adoringly Yours,


@Hannah- I would love ot see you as David Bowie. And yeah, I agree telling people inapropriate secrets is ok in public but not getting angry and throwing a hissy fit in public.

@Mr. C- I saw a girl bitch slap a guy once. It wasn't pretty. How come lately you have a reoccuring urine theme within your blogs and comments? Just curious. Will try and get the hot wax story posted. I wish it had involved naughty things though. Sigh.

@Mr. O- Yeah, I hate that show. My brother and sister, and I were watching it once and could not believe how ridiculous it has gotten. The first season, they actually had to do something significant. Now it's all fighting, drinking, and slutting it up. I'm the same way (i.e. fighting in public and clamming up) and it used to enrage my ex to further nonsense. Thanks for the Dane Cook link. I've always thought he was pretty funny.

@CoolAsFolk- Basking in other people's miseries is one of life's simple pleasures.

@The Caped Tirader- Seriously. Throwing down over junk food is ridiculous. I have some fun stories over what my ex used to flip out over. He was one of those people who lost their shit if they couldn't find something and would therefore blame everyone and everything else in his path. It's quite fun to think about now though.

Mr. Condescending said...

Not sure why it has came up so much lola, but thanks for pointing it out! One of the nice things about being a guy is we get to pee standing up. There's a certain male confidence in that, same as upright bj's.

I'm sure the hot wax will be funny anyways :P

Merrick said...

From, "oh for heaven's sake" I was dying at this post. Absolutely hilarious- though not a "funny" scenario. Love it all and love and miss you if that makes any sense at all~

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr C- You had me at upright bj's. To be honest, I think the judgemental ATM was a bit funnier.

@Merrick- Awww, you warm the subcockle area of my heart. Thanks for the compliments and they are right back at ya babe. ;) Love our 4am convos, no matter how inapropriate they may be.

jules said...

Not only do I ADORE watching strangers fight, I also adore posting weekend drunk photos! Loving your blog!

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Cool headed talking would help!
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