Friday, October 16, 2009

Lola vs. Facebook, Desperation, and Mandatory Sex Parties

Why does facebook think that I am desperate? Now I don't think there is anything wrong with online dating but facebook perpetually lines those online dating adds in that smug right handed column of theirs with a kind of frenetic consistency that makes me nervous. Does facebook not read my commitment phobic little blog? I have equated relationships with vomit, zombie attacks, and getting run over by a truck after a five day bender with an Eastern European stripper who likes girls. What more do I have to do to get them to stop trying to find me a mate????

Maybe I should shut-up and just be thankful that facebook is looking after my well being, comfort, and financial security. After all, by the tone of the adds they send my way, I know in the very marrow of my bones that facebook cares truly, deeply, and madly about my future happiness. Out of the goodness of its heart, facebook wants to pair me up with the perfect match who would understand my need to ride in a red radio flyer wagon, share in my desire to finally finish FallOut 3 and my quirky mystery novel, and accept my irrational love for someone whose process starts with a holla and ends with a creamsicle. I mean, honestly, there could be no ulterior motive behind its clever "nudges" for me to go forth and couple up. Right?

Here are a few of my favorite- and not to mention- compelling ad pieces from my dear, dear friend facebook:

Meet Elite Singles. It's free! Dating for mature singles can be very difficult, but it doesn't have to be. Mature Singles Only believes that no one should be alone. You had me at Elite. They must have a world-class squad of men just standing in line, in dark suits and dark ties who smell like peppermint and Cuban cigars. Does anyone else think there is a menacing, creepy undertone to the last line of this message? Like someone is whispering the same mantra in a dark shadowy hallway with no end while two twin girls stare at you with a maniacal gleam in the whites of their eyes.

Becca & Scott found love! With 20,000 people joining every day, so can you. See who's online near you. It's free! Seriously Becca & Scott found love? Becca and Scott?! Oh this plucks at my heart strings. Why didn't you tell me this before? If Becca was finally able to cast aside her slight addiction to prescription narcotics and her obsessive compulsive personality disorder, then by all that is holy what is stopping me from doing the same? Ummm... that didn't sound right. Find love I mean. Not cast aside a prescription narcotics addiction.

Marry a Millionaire! Meet millionaires, CEO's, millionaires, entrepreneurs, millionaires, and successful men looking for quality, classy women. Join MeetingMillionaires for free! Just what a millionaire wants, a person who goes on the site for the express purpose of finding someone whose primary quality in a mate is the all mighty dollar!

This last one was something I had to see for myself, so I clicked the link to find something that drove me into a frenzy of orgiastic bliss. They proclaim that not only are their men real but that they also can verify their identity, income and profession for my peace of mind. I don't know about you but the fact that their user names include TheDoctorIsIn77 and niptuck37 obviously means that their men are quality, verified, and looking for love. Consider my mind at peace!

And speaking of orgiastic bliss, why can't facebook advertise Mandatory Sex Parties instead? I would be much more inclined to participate in something like that. I could picture the add now:

Start the fall season off right! Join Mandatory Sex Parties and experience being matched based on nothing but being in the same room at the same time! Here we verify no profession, no income, and no quality. Join Mandatory Sex Parties today! Where participation is mandatory and everyone leaves satisfied.

Kind of like this blog, right?

Have a naughty weekend everybody. I know I will.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Do millionaires pay women to marry them? If I were a woman, I wouldn't do it for less that 100,000 bucks. How much would you charge to have a millionaire's baby?

Anonymous said...

You had me at Mandatory Sex Parties.

I wouldn't say no to the millionaires though. Obviously they, too, are looking for loooove.

The Peach Tart said...

Mandatory Sex parties, count me in.

Anonymous said...

Facebook is getting a little far-out. Millions on people on there, mandatory sex? Who needs to be forced?


Vodka Logic said...

FUNNY I guess I never read the ads well enough... I will from now on thanks. xx

Simon said...

These ads should clearly be more frank. I’m reminded of a Google search hit on my last blog for ‘meet lonely and desperate women in Canada’. People would believe an ad presented in such a way.

As for Mandatory Sex Parties, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is a common misunderstanding. All the term means is a party where all those attending are required to be of one sex or the other: either male or female. Or hermaphrodites.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the FB people sit down with the Myspace people and draw straws to see who gets which dating sites?

It'd be like picking football teams at school all over again. I wonder who's always left to last?

Organic Meatbag said...

Whew...I AM leaving this blog verrrry satisfied...satisfied, drained, and glowing a little...hahahaha

otherworldlyone said...

How about "hot, Christian singles"? That's the kind my g-ma wants me to join. Seriously?! I wish I could tell her that I've had a hot, Christian single...several times, from her church as a matter of fact, and he wasn't very Christian like at all. In fact, he was positively fiendish.

On second thought...this website might be a good idea. ;)

Have a fantastic weekend!

Hunter said...

That was fun and the second or third Mandatory Sex Party post I've seen. The sensation is sweeping the internetz!!

Have a nice weekend!

Merrick said...

These interwebs are terrific for all sorts of dating extravaganzas. I consider myself a pretty elite single but I smell more like Old Spice and Phillie Blunts. That said, I'm a member of the thousandaire-singles. Lola, next get togther the $5 foot longs are on me, baby!

Anonymous said...

I attended a mandatory sex party but for some reason I was the only one who came?

*uncorked said...

I signed up for a few years ago as a joke and they still harass me. I thought maybe I'd meet some nice young single dotcom types and it turned out that while they were on there, only the over-70-looking-for-a-travel-partner-will-spoil-you-rotten-my-wife-doesn't-mind-and-I-have-a-full-prescription-of-viagra types that wanted to date me.

I get ads on FB for continuing my education - nevermind the fact that I have a JD and over $100k in debt to prove it. I think I'd prefer the online dating ones.

Hannah Miet said...

My last 2 Facebook ads were for "The Two Martini Diet" and the "Butterfly Vibrator."


Except, well, you do.

Hilarious post, as always.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha, I love the viral spread of Mandatory Sex Parties. Awesome. makes me hate everything to do with Facebook. On the other hand, marry a millionaire??! OMG I'm signing up.

Lola Lakely said...

@Gorillas- Minimum 250k for me. I won't compromise my moral values for anyone else. Oh I forgot I don't have any of those.

@CoolasFolk- Check out the original post. It's pretty awesome.

@Peach- I would love to. Call me.

@Secretia- I appreciate the far out. I think that might just be the reason for my existence.

@Vodka- I'm glad I could turn you on to new and different experiences.

@Simon- Oh no, why did you have to shatter my dreams? Here I was, thinking that I had finally found a club I could really get behind. A club whose members that I would be happy to probe, delve, and finesse. But your version, I suppose, makes the most sense. Sigh.

@Matthew- I would be seriously afraid to be in the room for that meeting. Unless it was like a jello wrestling competition between the two virtual giants. Ohhh, maybe like a jello fight to the death. Although FB would probably loose. MySpace is a bit more dodgy.

@Organic- I am glad that I am doing my part in leaving you satisfied. That's really what I am all about.

@otherworldlyone- I always like your line of thinking. You should come up with your own add. Fiendish... fill in the rest! ;)

@Hunter- Yay for mandatory sex parties going viral. It's all about spreading disease.. i mean love.

@Merrick- mmmm you had me at foot longs. Yowza.

@BlogSlob- Trust you to come up with that line.
We need more drinks together soon.

@uncorked- My love, how are you feeling? I am this close to signing up for the millionaries thing for the sheer entertainment value it will surely bring me. Not to mention this blog. Oh god, I should so do that. I need to have everyone vote on this. Who thinks Lola should compromise everything she believes in for the sake of entertaining people? Who is going to say no?

@Hannah- Why don't I get fun things like the Butterfly vibrator??? Is it depraved of me to be jealous over your fb adds?

@angryredhead- Mandatory Sex Party is probably the only thing I will virally spread ever. Let's hope. I could spread my morals, and let's face it, that wouldn't be pretty. Destruction of society? Check.

Josefine said...

Elite singles? Hitler would approve.

*uncorked said...

I'm better my dear, thanks! Signing up would most definitely provide excellent blogging material. And if the guy is a real millionnaire, then a little yacht shows up by their name :) It's cute.

mo.stoneskin said...

"facebook is looking after my well being, comfort, and financial security"

Ah yes, Mother Facebook, a bit like Mother Nature but more understanding and suggestive.

Love the concept of "elite singles". You, I believe, are elite.

Lola Lakely said...

@Josefine- Maybe there should be a Nazi dating site as well. They seem to have everything else covered.

@uncorked- That is nice to hear! Ohh, I think I can handle a yacht. The things I do for my blog.

@mo.stoneskin- Awww, I believe that my cheeks just flushed at the thought of you thinking that I am elite.

ladytruth said...

That first one about the 'Meet Elite Singles' just sounded way too much like Mr. C that I couldn't stop reading. I cancelled my facebook account recently, breaking the friend-link and these adds were just one of the irritating reasons I did. I never really did know why people want other people to be in relationships. Will they make more money if there are more couples in this world? I could never understand it.

Lola Lakely said...

@ladytruth- Hahaha, nice with the Mr. C comment. If I didn't have facebook, I wouldn't be able to keep track of my events- which means I probably wouldn't see half the people I do now. But I say arghhh to the constant adds. ARGHHH!

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

So, this Mandatory Sex Party thing: do you actually have to be on Facebook to join or can anyone sign up?

Lola Lakely said...

@Tennyson- Anyone can! That's the beauty of a Mandatory Sex Party. Hizzah!

Lana said...

'mature singles' just sounds like code for 'old people' to me. that's enough to drive me to a sex party for sure.

Mr. Condescending said...

Ladytruth, jeez!

I do want to date all of you though, I would not make a good online matchmaking person though because I would probably spend myself broke.

Lola Lakely said...

@Lana- I know, it does, doesn't it!

@Mr.C- Maybe you should make a date with each one of your lady followers and then blog about the dos and donts of dating a fellow blogger.