Why does facebook think that I am desperate? Now I don't think there is anything wrong with online dating but facebook perpetually lines those online dating adds in that smug right handed column of theirs with a kind of frenetic consistency that makes me nervous. Does facebook not read my commitment phobic little blog? I have equated relationships with vomit, zombie attacks, and getting run over by a truck after a five day bender with an Eastern European stripper who likes girls. What more do I have to do to get them to stop trying to find me a mate????
Maybe I should shut-up and just be thankful that facebook is looking after my well being, comfort, and financial security. After all, by the tone of the adds they send my way, I know in the very marrow of my bones that facebook cares truly, deeply, and madly about my future happiness. Out of the goodness of its heart, facebook wants to pair me up with the perfect match who would understand my need to ride in a red radio flyer wagon, share in my desire to finally finish FallOut 3 and my quirky mystery novel, and accept my irrational love for someone whose process starts with a holla and ends with a creamsicle. I mean, honestly, there could be no ulterior motive behind its clever "nudges" for me to go forth and couple up. Right?
Here are a few of my favorite- and not to mention- compelling ad pieces from my dear, dear friend facebook:
Meet Elite Singles. It's free! Dating for mature singles can be very difficult, but it doesn't have to be. Mature Singles Only believes that no one should be alone. You had me at Elite. They must have a world-class squad of men just standing in line, in dark suits and dark ties who smell like peppermint and Cuban cigars. Does anyone else think there is a menacing, creepy undertone to the last line of this message? Like someone is whispering the same mantra in a dark shadowy hallway with no end while two twin girls stare at you with a maniacal gleam in the whites of their eyes.
Becca & Scott found love! With 20,000 people joining every day, so can you. See who's online near you. It's free! Seriously Becca & Scott found love? Becca and Scott?! Oh this plucks at my heart strings. Why didn't you tell me this before? If Becca was finally able to cast aside her slight addiction to prescription narcotics and her obsessive compulsive personality disorder, then by all that is holy what is stopping me from doing the same? Ummm... that didn't sound right. Find love I mean. Not cast aside a prescription narcotics addiction.
Marry a Millionaire! Meet millionaires, CEO's, millionaires, entrepreneurs, millionaires, and successful men looking for quality, classy women. Join MeetingMillionaires for free! Just what a millionaire wants, a person who goes on the site for the express purpose of finding someone whose primary quality in a mate is the all mighty dollar!
This last one was something I had to see for myself, so I clicked the link to find something that drove me into a frenzy of orgiastic bliss. They proclaim that not only are their men real but that they also can verify their identity, income and profession for my peace of mind. I don't know about you but the fact that their user names include TheDoctorIsIn77 and niptuck37 obviously means that their men are quality, verified, and looking for love. Consider my mind at peace!
And speaking of orgiastic bliss, why can't facebook advertise Mandatory Sex Parties instead? I would be much more inclined to participate in something like that. I could picture the add now:
Start the fall season off right! Join Mandatory Sex Parties and experience being matched based on nothing but being in the same room at the same time! Here we verify no profession, no income, and no quality. Join Mandatory Sex Parties today! Where participation is mandatory and everyone leaves satisfied.
Kind of like this blog, right?
Have a naughty weekend everybody. I know I will.