I have noticed during my many forays into the world of alcoholism that when someone drinks they are blessed with several superpowers. These powers are only enhanced by increasing the number of alcoholic beverages one imbibes. I have decided to address some of the ones I have witnessed in today's post.
Super Power #1- Retard Strength
Jim has retard strength when he is drunk. I liken his strength to that of a mother, pumped full of adrenaline, whose baby is in danger and she can therefore lift up a car with one hand in order to save him/her. I've witnessed him perform several feats of insurmountable odds. One in particular comes to mind. Jim, who gets winded going up a flight of stairs, was able to rip a sink from the wall because he thought it would be "prudent for me to have an extra one laying about my apartment." (This example also includes Super Power #3, which is listed below.)
Super Power #2- Superior Arguing Skills
Lila likes to get into fights with her boyfriend while drinking. My absolute favorite fight of all time was when she got seriously mad at him for not telling her he went to the bathroom during a party. Somehow alcohol allowed her to convince him that not only was this completely normal, and not in the realm of crazy girl paranoia land, but that it was actually his fault for causing the fight in the first place.
Super Power #3- Drunken Logic
Out of all of the superpowers one acquires when drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages, the drunken logic super power is perhaps my favorite. Because it can make you do anything- no matter how dangerous, how stupid, or how destructive to your body that act may be.
For example drunken logic dictated that over the weekend after a football game I decided that I, too, was a ninja and therefore could perform a jumping roundhouse kick in the dark, next to an SUV without injuring myself or the SUV. I was wrong. My right hip now sports a big, purple bruise that strangely enough resembles the head of Elvis.
Drunken logic was also the reason a friend of mine decided it would be a great idea to take a running leap and hurdle over the fence separating the boardwalk from the dunes just because "if he could make it over than our other friend was allowed to take a walk on the beach." Drunken logic also told him to take off his shirt, tie it around his head, and flee from the cops who had witnessed his face-first-in-the-sand routine "because all those perps are shirtless on COPS."
I know that I do you all a great injustice by not mentioning all of the super powers one acquires while drunk in this post, so I am now opening up the floor to all of you. After all, every hero has their own unique set of abilities and I'm sure we could all benefit in some way by learning about them.
What super powers have you acquired in this arena?