Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lola vs. Drunken Superpowers

I have noticed during my many forays into the world of alcoholism that when someone drinks they are blessed with several superpowers. These powers are only enhanced by increasing the number of alcoholic beverages one imbibes. I have decided to address some of the ones I have witnessed in today's post.

Super Power #1- Retard Strength

Jim has retard strength when he is drunk. I liken his strength to that of a mother, pumped full of adrenaline, whose baby is in danger and she can therefore lift up a car with one hand in order to save him/her. I've witnessed him perform several feats of insurmountable odds. One in particular comes to mind. Jim, who gets winded going up a flight of stairs, was able to rip a sink from the wall because he thought it would be "prudent for me to have an extra one laying about my apartment." (This example also includes Super Power #3, which is listed below.)

Super Power #2- Superior Arguing Skills

Lila likes to get into fights with her boyfriend while drinking. My absolute favorite fight of all time was when she got seriously mad at him for not telling her he went to the bathroom during a party. Somehow alcohol allowed her to convince him that not only was this completely normal, and not in the realm of crazy girl paranoia land, but that it was actually his fault for causing the fight in the first place.

Super Power #3- Drunken Logic

Out of all of the superpowers one acquires when drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages, the drunken logic super power is perhaps my favorite. Because it can make you do anything- no matter how dangerous, how stupid, or how destructive to your body that act may be.

For example drunken logic dictated that over the weekend after a football game I decided that I, too, was a ninja and therefore could perform a jumping roundhouse kick in the dark, next to an SUV without injuring myself or the SUV. I was wrong. My right hip now sports a big, purple bruise that strangely enough resembles the head of Elvis.

Drunken logic was also the reason a friend of mine decided it would be a great idea to take a running leap and hurdle over the fence separating the boardwalk from the dunes just because "if he could make it over than our other friend was allowed to take a walk on the beach." Drunken logic also told him to take off his shirt, tie it around his head, and flee from the cops who had witnessed his face-first-in-the-sand routine "because all those perps are shirtless on COPS."

I know that I do you all a great injustice by not mentioning all of the super powers one acquires while drunk in this post, so I am now opening up the floor to all of you. After all, every hero has their own unique set of abilities and I'm sure we could all benefit in some way by learning about them.

What super powers have you acquired in this arena?

33 comments:

Lizz said...

according to drunken logic, I had believed that I could jump from the top step of a flight of stairs to the bottem without hurting myself. I mad it halfway at least, and sported a nice big bruise on my spine and couldn't walk the next day...

Hunter said...

A cousin of #2 and #3 is drunken geniusness...err geniusosity. Whatever. You get all kinds of smart and shit.

And yes, the perps are often shirtless on Cops. They also tend to wear other people's pants.

"I don't know how that heroin ended up in my pocket. These are my brother's jeans..."

Secretia said...

Drunken retards are the superstars on that show Cops all right. There are a lot of people out at nite "auditioning" for that show too.

The Peach Tart said...

Oh goodness. There are just too many superpowers that I possess when liquored up to detail in this small comment space.

Trinity said...

I would submit that alcohol gives people the ability to perform the sonic scream. After a certain amount of drinking you can always do a deafening "Whoo Hoo" with gusto.

Lola Lakely said...

@Lizz- So you are very fond of rule #3 I see. Thanks for stopping by!
@Hunter- Yes, you do all kinds of smart and shit. They do wear everyone else's pants!
@Secretia- I heart drunken retards. It makes for some fantastic videos.
@Peach- That's what I like to hear!
@Trinity- Yes! The Sonic Scream. That is one super power I missed.

Jeanette said...

I'm oddly good at math when drunk, I mean I'm good when not drunk, hence the engineering major, but I'm super good when drunk. I've seriously considered taking my tests that way.

Same with Rockband, good not drunk, but when I can't feel my fingers I'm amazing. Same stands for playing actual guitar, although I attribute that to lack of shame at that point.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I get really fantastic at falling asleep in a big pile of coats under a table somewhere and waking up seven hours later when everyone's gone home and I'm just under a table with no coats in the dark with a quarter stuck to my cheek.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Lady Hem has drunken logic when she's full. She once convinced herself that she could still do roundoffs while drunk. Needless to say, she almost ripped her achillies off the bone and couldn't walk for about a week. It was fun though. My superpower when drunk is confidence. Just the right amount of alcohol and I'll know everyone in the pub and they'll all be my best friends forever and a day.

Mr O said...

I have to say that the few times I have been drunk, my super power consists of voice and speech elevation. By that I mean, most of the time I am generally shy. But when that super power kicks in I am an AWESOME story teller. At least, I like to think so.

I also have to say that your SUV story made my night.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've seen humans act drunk when they were sober. That's what comes of working in a circus.

Judearoo said...

At least you KNOW the reason for Elvis-esque bruises appearing. The worst is when you wake up the next day with bruises having no notion where they came from. Most unsettling. :s

Vodka Logic said...

From someone whos blogs as Vodka Logic I excel at number 3. :)

Organic Meatbag said...

My most impressive drunken superpowers are my piss stream of glory and my puke spray of desire...hahahaha

Little Ms Blogger said...

Drunken emails or dialing....why do we do them? Why do we think we sound super intelligent and just have to fire off an email to the person that should never be receiving it.

Loved this post and particularly love Lila's power.

*uncorked said...

The drunken superpower of seduction. Where I truly and honestly believe every time I have a few cocktails that I am the hottest girl in the bar. That each and every man in there is lucky enough to be in my presence. And that my Britney Spears karaoke is truly Grammy-worthy. All eyes on me. But probably not because I'm super hot, but because my fly is down, my skirt is tucked into my panties, or I spilled vodka down my shirt.

*uncorked said...

Oh and totally to Judearoo's point - I've woken up more times thinking "Shit, did I get hit by a truck last night?" then I'd care to admit. And twice with black eyes. No recollection.

otherworldlyone said...

I love drunken logic.

As in, "Hey...bestfriend who still hasn't gone to court for that DUI! Climb in the back of that open jeep parked on the street there 'cause it's FUNNY and I want a picture. WOO WOO. Hello police. I'm not drunk. Please don't take my friend to jail for standing in that jeep that isn't ours. She's not driving. I'm driving. Nope only one drink I had. Wanna see meh tits? Thanks for letting us go officers! Cheers!"

Also, like TeHe, my super power is making friends with EVERYONE I see. And sometimes trying to have sex with them.

angryredhead said...

Hahahaahaha, my favorite is the shirtless police chase. I once got drunk and angry, and figured stealingsomeone's camera was a good way to take out my rage on the world. I woke up feeling like ass the next day, and then discovered the camera I stole was actually my friend's. Whew.

Poppy said...

Lol, these superpowers are ... very true :))

We have some kind of freshmen inauguration in the dorms every year (non-official of course, and including A LOT of alcohol) and last year one of tham had Super Power #4 - serious agression skill. Lifted someone up in the air, threw him down, ripped the sink off the wall, punched a hole in the wall ... It got a bit scary.

I prefer witty drunken superpowers :) people get together amazing sentences when they're drunk, ha ha :)

Poppy

Lola Lakely said...

@Jeanette- I know! I forgot the Rockstar super power you get while drinking. Seriously I am the best singer ever in RB at that moment.
@Veg- Hahaha, that comment wins at life. At least you made some money doing that, not much but still better than nothing.
@Tenn- Roundoffs while drunk. I did a cartwheel during one of my epic Kane walks. It was pitch black and I didn't realize there was a hill. You can imagine what happened after that. And I have to say, I like your super power. Although, it sounds like even without alcohol you'd be able to that.
@Mr. O- Glad I could make your night luv! I aim to please. Your storytelling powers are definitely amplified when drunk. Except you never end up exactly where you were supposed to go. At least I don't.
@Gorilla- I'm not sure if I want to combine being drunk with circus performers. That might be very, very scary.

Lola Lakely said...

@judearoo- The UPB (unidentified party bruise) Power. I know it well.
@VodkaLogic- True, what can you do? You have to live up to your name.
@Organic- There are no words for your super powers.
@LittleMissB- Ugh I hate that super power. I am especially efficient at the drunk texting. Now that is one serious super power.
@uncorked. Best. Super Power. Ever. You just made me laugh in a room full of people. And I got stared at. And Black eyes twice? Seriously? I need to hear that story.
@otherworldlyone- Hahaha, that is an awesome story. I am gratefull that I thought of this post because all of these powers win in my book.
@angryredhead- He had me cracking up when he told me that story. Drunken logic > the police
@Poppy- Ahhh, the agression super power. Often used for evil instead of good. That's a good one to remember. Piecing sentences together while drunk is easy. Making them actually make sense- not so much.

mo.stoneskin said...

More than anything else Jim's use of the word "prudent" while drunk struck me most. I don't even use that word when sober!

Cool as Folk said...

Hahaha this post was amazing. I think you covered them all and anything else would fall under those categories.

I am a severe victim of Drunken Logic. Peeing in the subway, 10 ft from the turnstiles, is suddenly a brilliant idea.

WhiteSockGirl said...

LOVE THIS POST!

#2, thank you very much. My reasoning is quite brilliant uhhm,... yeah,.. and I have been known to settle quite a number of issues, some of which the other person(s) did not even know existed.

Sami said...

I think mine is that I am a brilliant Mexican singer. No, really. Or maybe a Mexican gangster. Either way I somehow stumble upon the local UniVision when toasted and history just writes itself.

Poppy said...

Hello again :)
there's something waiting for you at my blog!
Poppy

Minka said...

I don't remember laughing do much whilee reading something in a long time. This post is great!!

Superpowers? I don't drink much, but I know people who can only speak other languages when they are drunk. Some of them can just swear in three or four oher languages - only when drunk.

The superpowers you describe - hilarious! THANKS!

Kristin said...

Ahhhhhhhh, I was the master of buzzed arguing back in the day. The poor hubs. I think I've calmed down since my mid twenties. Maybe.

Lola Lakely said...

@mo- Yeah, wtf on the prudent? I think he's got issues.
@coolasfolk- This is why I adore you. Plus, dont' we also have the exact same falling disease?
@sami- That power is ingenous. Do you have a video we can check out to witness the brilliance?
@poppy- thank you so much for the award.
@minka- Thanks for stopping by! Stick around, I can always guarantee hilarity. I speak in another language while drunk as well.
@kristin- A little verbal abuse goes along way.

Jasmin said...

I'm a Super Flirt, butt-slapping, Super-Sexer when I get some drinks in me, but shhhh...don't tell any of the guys ;-)

Julius said...

Tier 1 Super Powers:
Super Strength!
Super Confrontation Skills!
Super Logic!

Tier 2 Super Powers:
Superpower of Mirth!!
Superpower of Song!!

Tier 3 Super Powers:
Teleportation!!!
Time Travel!!!

ladytruth said...

My drunken superpower is knowledge. Ask me anything and I'll have the answer right there for you in a sweet package signed by Mr. Jack Daniels. My other amazing drunken superpower is my ability to sing like sick cat in front of others. Now to me it doesn't sound like kitty has flu of the throat, but apparently other's ears are not tuned into my amazingly high pitch that make Adam from Idols pee in his pants with delight (or horror). I love being a drunken superhero!