Sadly, Kane was absent for the College-Reunion-Whiskey-Induced-Stripper-Incident of 09. So as promised, dear readers, the below is Kane's reaction. Enjoy!
Setting: Lola's couch. She is currently lounging in a hung-over comatose state where she slowly pieces together the evening's events for her boy Kane, who is currently on the other end of her cell phone. A re-run of Dr. Who plays in the background.
Kane: (after long drawn, out pause) So let me get this straight, you paid for VIP bottle service at a strip club with six of your guy friends from college, made a futile attempt to save your friend Cooper from an old stripper that could have destroyed his fragile marriage, almost got kicked out for attempting a lap dance of your own, and then got into a fight with the coat check girl?
Lola: That about sums it up. (considering) How come when you say it out loud it makes me sound completely devoid of all morals?
Kane: Or awesome. (pause) Where did all of your girlfriends go?
Lola: I really don't know. Somewhere between the third bar and the strip club, we lost them.
Kane: So you were by yourself with six guys at the Hustler Club?
Lola: No, actually Vera came with me. (Kane makes an unintelligible sound) Hello? (sound of dial tone as Kane hangs up) Hello? (dials Kane back up) Why did you just hang up on me?
Kane: Because I hate you.
Lola: Care to elaborate?
Kane: You took Vera to a strip club. She is the last, last person who would ever set foot in one of those places.
Kane: It's unfair to the rest of us. You have this irritating knack to get anyone to do anything. (groaning) How is this possible?
Lola: A gift?
Kane: No, I think you aren't quite human. (pause, thinking) There is evidence to support that theory in the 97 texts you sent me last night. Half of them were in a language I couldn't decipher.
Lola: Oh god. (shaking her head) Can you send me some? I must have erased all of them.
Kane: Yeah, at one point I thought you had been arrested.
Lola: (laughing nervously) What did you do?
Kane: I went back to sleep.
And now we have come to the Evolution of a Drunk Text portion of this week's blog.
"Dude, I think I am going to strip club later. A girl strip club?" -Time: 11:18pm
Translation: None needed.
"I Taken 3 shots of whistelty. " -Time: 12:32AM
Translation: A shot that is a combination of whiskey and whistling. Also, I would like to point out my stunning misuse of verb tense. Unless, as Kane has suggested, I am speaking in an alien language. In that case, I would like to point out to him that tenses cannot always be translated properly from one language to another.
"molsted by ca striper's coobs. lolli" -Time: 2:50Am
Translation: After a long and exhausting shift at the hospital, an errant candy striper molested my delicate sensibilities with her boob shaped lollipops.
"check bitch sotle my xo, arrested?" -Time: 3:43 AM.
Translation: Either the coat check girl stole my senior officer or some kisses. Apparently there was some question as to whether or not I could have been arrested for this.
"I cdsbajqwt beliuebve how drun412ewrt foodl!" -Time: 4:38 AM
Translation: I'd like to let you guys have fun and decode this one.
If you guys can't properly decipher the above, Kane points out that he will most likely have to go to the guy in the subway that walks around in circles and mutters to himself since he thinks their origins are closely aligned with my home planet. Obviously they are from a lower caste system. Obviously.