Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Lola vs. Strippers, Commuter Buses, and Whiskey Part Deux

Sadly, Kane was absent for the College-Reunion-Whiskey-Induced-Stripper-Incident of 09. So as promised, dear readers, the below is Kane's reaction. Enjoy!

Setting: Lola's couch. She is currently lounging in a hung-over comatose state where she slowly pieces together the evening's events for her boy Kane, who is currently on the other end of her cell phone. A re-run of Dr. Who plays in the background.

Kane: (after long drawn, out pause) So let me get this straight, you paid for VIP bottle service at a strip club with six of your guy friends from college, made a futile attempt to save your friend Cooper from an old stripper that could have destroyed his fragile marriage, almost got kicked out for attempting a lap dance of your own, and then got into a fight with the coat check girl?
Lola: That about sums it up. (considering) How come when you say it out loud it makes me sound completely devoid of all morals?
Kane: Or awesome. (pause) Where did all of your girlfriends go?
Lola: I really don't know. Somewhere between the third bar and the strip club, we lost them.
Kane: So you were by yourself with six guys at the Hustler Club?
Lola: No, actually Vera came with me. (Kane makes an unintelligible sound) Hello? (sound of dial tone as Kane hangs up) Hello? (dials Kane back up) Why did you just hang up on me?
Kane: Because I hate you.
Lola: Care to elaborate?
Kane: You took Vera to a strip club. She is the last, last person who would ever set foot in one of those places.
Lola: So?
Kane: It's unfair to the rest of us. You have this irritating knack to get anyone to do anything. (groaning) How is this possible?
Lola: A gift?
Kane: No, I think you aren't quite human. (pause, thinking) There is evidence to support that theory in the 97 texts you sent me last night. Half of them were in a language I couldn't decipher.
Lola: Oh god. (shaking her head) Can you send me some? I must have erased all of them.
Kane: Yeah, at one point I thought you had been arrested.
Lola: (laughing nervously) What did you do?
Kane: I went back to sleep.

And now we have come to the Evolution of a Drunk Text portion of this week's blog.

"Dude, I think I am going to strip club later. A girl strip club?" -Time: 11:18pm
Translation: None needed.

"I Taken 3 shots of whistelty. " -Time: 12:32AM
Translation: A shot that is a combination of whiskey and whistling. Also, I would like to point out my stunning misuse of verb tense. Unless, as Kane has suggested, I am speaking in an alien language. In that case, I would like to point out to him that tenses cannot always be translated properly from one language to another.

"molsted by ca striper's coobs. lolli" -Time: 2:50Am
After a long and exhausting shift at the hospital, an errant candy striper molested my delicate sensibilities with her boob shaped lollipops.

"check bitch sotle my xo, arrested?" -Time: 3:43 AM.
Either the coat check girl stole my senior officer or some kisses. Apparently there was some question as to whether or not I could have been arrested for this.

"I cdsbajqwt beliuebve how drun412ewrt foodl!" -Time: 4:38 AM
I'd like to let you guys have fun and decode this one.

If you guys can't properly decipher the above, Kane points out that he will most likely have to go to the guy in the subway that walks around in circles and mutters to himself since he thinks their origins are closely aligned with my home planet. Obviously they are from a lower caste system. Obviously.


Jeanette said...

Good work. Job well done.

for the love of pictures said...

Nice! I need to take some party lessons from you :) I have quite a few birthdays coming up.

Mr O said...

wow. wow. wow.

I literally got some good laughs in from this. Thank you for sharing this with the blogosphere.

Your drunk texts were hilarious, that last one is a doozy. However, the best part of this whole post:

Kane: Yeah, at one point I thought you had been arrested.
Lola: (laughing nervously) What did you do?
Kane: I went back to sleep.

ladytruth said...

The fact that you were able to still text deserves a medal. As for the last jibberish one? Let's just say you're as awesome as JR Tolkien and invented your own language that many geeks around the world will speak when you put it in book form ;)

Vodka Logic said...

I love drunk texts

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. I especially love your deciphering skills.

Hunter said...

Nice post.

I have coworkers that also speak your strange drunken text language. Of course, they're sober. And actually talking...

Anonymous said...

vera sounds like an awesome chick to me!

*uncorked said...

Pretty sure it says "I like to drink." As always, part deux did not disappoint. I think you are a wonderful human being of upstanding moral character, and I aspire to be on your level one day.

The Peach Tart said...

Yes I've been known to send some pretty wild drunk texts as well.

Lola Lakely said...

@Jeanette- Thanks, luv!
@fortheloveofpictures- Ooohhh, birthdays. I have some very interesting party birthday stories to share.
@Mr. O- Yeah, Kane is pretty hilarious. He made sure to tell me that he figured if I had actually been arrested, he would have picked up the phone call. Not that he would have gone to help me out- just that he would have picked up the phone. Thanks for the compliments! ;)
@ladytruth- I like the idea of giving classes in lola language. Mmmm, especially since I happen to think geeks are delicious. Give me a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and freckles any day.
@vodkalogic- There were so many funny ones that it was really hard to choose between them.
@coolasfolk- Deciphering them was quite fun!
@Hunter- Sounds interesting. Maybe they are from my home planet?
@Anonymous- She is like one of my favorite people ever. I often tackle her into garbage cans if you can imagine that.
@uncorked- I think that is in the subtext! Aspire to be on my level someday? It's a dark level to be sure but a fun one.
@Peach- I'd love to hear some of yours!

Secretia Teller said...

I donnneee nno wattt uuyouu meeeene?

I do know, actually!


mo.stoneskin said...

Brilliant. I love "whistelty"

I just can't believe how drunk you are fool?

Gorilla Bananas said...

A stripper's coobs. Neither one thing or the other, but possibly the best of both worlds.

Lola Lakely said...

@mo- Have you ever tried whistelty? Best shot ever. It's also the worst shot ever. Deciphering drunk texts are pretty fun.
@gorilla- Words to live by, my friend.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Devoid of all morals or awesome? Oh, I'm prompting for awesome.

Anonymous said...

Oh god!! You win. You've totally outdone me in the stripper zone. damn. That last text? I assume you were ranting about how drunk you were, and then got distracted by food. Those hot dogs sold by sketchy teethless vendors always seem like a good idea at the time.

Simon said...

“I cdsbajqwt beliuebve how drun412ewrt foodl!” is from an obscure Scottish Gaelic dialect, and means “Having sex with sheep is vastly overrated.” How you came to be using it in the context must remain a mystery.

Lola Lakely said...

@Tennyson- Your prompt is greatly apreciated. ;)

@angryredhead- Should I be, like, proud that I've outdone you in the stripper zone? And you are absolutely right- it has to be the food thing since around 5am is when we got the hot dogs.

@Simon- I don't understand that either. I don't think sheep has ever entered my vocabulary in conjection with sex. Small, furry woodland creatures perhaps. Do you know of anyone who speals, besides you, in only an obscure Scottish Gaelic dialect? Because I may just need to marry that fella. I say besides you because that could possibly be incest, correct? ;)

S.E. Sward said...

Just stopping by to say 'hello' from Hot Piece of Sass ...

I'm not sure, but I think that last text read (at least in part) "I cannot believe how drunk ..." It may or may not be safe to assume that what followed 'drunk' was 'I am.' Sounds like a wild night. Makes me wish I'd been wilder when I was in my 20s. Fuck. Who am I kidding? Makes me wish I'd been wild. Period. Too fucking late now. *sigh*

Organic Meatbag said...

I thought you were speaking esperanto...I just shit my pants...the Earth is flat... I'm OK with that...

blunt delivery said...

dearest crescent moon,

how i have missed thee. you can stop with the zanacs because i have returned.

i just realized we were both blonde for 5 seconds. and let me tell u, it was definitely not more fun.

the only thing i don't like about this post is that it fills me with a jealous rage that you were giving your attention to other strippers. i mean, women.

i'm going to go take a hot bath and try to calm down.

tragically yours,


Trinity said...

I cdsbajqwt beliuebve how drun412ewrt foodl! is most likely, I couldn't believe how drunk we are fool.

Not that this is any better than the other. You need a phone with better text ability. Mine autopopulates to stop these things.

otherworldlyone said...

Drunk texting was almost my down fall. I make them wrestle my phone from me when I'm shittarded.

I think that last one means, "Waffle House. Now."

Mr. Condescending said...

I got a text saying, "I want to gooo wanganeering" it was you wasn't it Lola!? :P

Laz said...

I am still trying to decode:
"I cdsbajqwt beliuebve how drun412ewrt foodl!"

But I AM SURE that the 412 was a reference to Timothy 4:12 in the Bible:

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

Obviously judging by your evening, you were telling the drunk food to not judge you, because you are an example of love, faith, and purity.


Lola Lakely said...

@S.E. Seward- Hello and welcome to the dirty, naughty things that go on during your brief stay at Lola's!
@organic- there are just too many ways in which to read that text.

Dearest Light in the Darkness,

How can you ever be jealous? Never doubt my love and naughty respect for you! Sigh, if only we lived closer.

Every Yours,


Lola Lakely said...

@Trinity- I think if I ever set mine to autopopulate while I was that drunk, it may even lead to more hilarity. Thanks for the tip!
@otherworldlyone- Um yes, I am going to go with Waffle House Now. That's pretty brilliant.
@Mr. Condescending - Why, yes it was. Aren't you curious how I got your number? Muhahaha.
@Laz- That was actually his facebook status for awhile. Did you catch that? Everyone assumed it was me. And yes, it's always a religious experience when I drink. You've been around me enough to know that, luv!

Moonjava said...

That was supremely amusing! Glad you had fun, even if you don't remember parts of it!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

oh yes....ive had many a night at a strip club.

Lola Lakely said...

@Moonjava- Thanks! Yeah, I'm gald I have my friends to reiterate how drunk I am.
@Chelsea- Care to share?