Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lola vs. Strippers, Commuter Buses, and Whiskey Part One

I should have known that Friday night was going to go in a strange direction because I took the Short Line Bus during commuter traffic and got yelled at by some grizzled, old Mexican man. With a sea captain's hat perched askew on the top of his head, he smelled like onions, a fish sandwich, and broken dreams.

Oblivious to the tension shimmering around me, I sat down happily and got out my iPod to listen to the new MUSE album. My hands were dry so I took out some lotion and rubbed some of it on my arms and witnessed, incredulously, as the Mexican fisherman thrust his body over the seat in front of me and waved his hands frantically in my face. He muttered something that sounded like: "Please. Stop. The Odor!"

Confused, I looked down at the Bath & Bodyworks lotion bottle I had in my hands. I really wanted to say,"I smell like Sensual Amber bitch!" Luckily, I thought better of it because I'm pretty sure he had a shiv and some fishing wire in his pocket. Instead I merely moved back a seat.

After my enjoyable jaunt on the commuter bus, I headed to the restaurant to meet some of my college friends. I have an unfortunate habit of being ridiculously late (I blame the Germans) so I took an earlier bus to make absolutely sure I was there on time. This made me arrive before any of the other ten people which, of course, meant that I needed to have at least two Berry martinis before anyone got there.

Apparently when berry martinis and cider are combined with three shots of Jameson whiskey, I advocate the following: going to The Hustler strip club, getting a lap dance by a sad looking Eastern European stripper who insists that she likes girls better than boys (strippers don't lie!), spending $400 on grape caffeine infused vodka, getting into a fight with the coat check girl, and allowing my friend to almost die when tackled into a cab by a guy who may have been one of those Egyptian mummies unearthed in the Valley of Kings.

Sounds like a great night, huh? My hazy, strange conversation with the Eastern European Stripper my friend Derek paid to give me a lap dance was just one of the many, many interesting moments of this college reunion of sorts.

EES: I like girls.
Lola: Oh, um. Thanks. You smell good?
EES: Are you bi?
Lola: Actually we don't have a by for another few weeks. We play Michigan State tomorrow.
EES: (blank stare) Scuse me? (amidst more gyration) Want private room? I like girls.
Lola: (looking at her friends for help) Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass.
EES: You can smack my ass, you know.
Lola: Oh.

So I don't remember if I actually spoke about Notre Dame having a by week out loud to the gyrating woman, smacking her own ass, in front of me but I do remember that was the first thought in my head at the time. Stupid alcohol.

I suppose, to be fair, I really can't completely blame everything on the whiskey. I'd like to nominate my friend Cooper for at least 1/3 of the blame. Before the bevy of Eastern European strippers, Cooper asked me about my blog. After a brief debate on what his moniker would be if he were to make an appearance (I wanted Lance and he suggested Hank), our brief conversation consisted of this:

Cooper: So I want to be in your blog. How does one get in there?
Lola: Either be ridiculously funny or do something incredibly embarrassing.
Cooper: How about I get depressed, have a fight with my estranged wife on an NYC sidewalk, get the others to take me to a strip club where you and Dean have to go running around the Hustler Club trying to save me and my wallet from a used-up bleach blond stripper who is desperately clinging onto her youth?
Lola: That sounds perfect! Thanks.

And that's exactly how Cooper finally ended up in my blog. Please give him a warm welcome. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank him for sharing his chicken fettuccine with me at 5 am after our brief sojourn to Gray's Papaya where we ate the best hot dogs known to man.

For Kane's reaction to this night of debauchery (as he was woefully missing!) and the evolution of a drunk text, please stay tuned for Part Deux!

31 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

My favourite get drunk fast on no money trick used to be half a pint of English cider mixed with half a pint of beer. If you like fruity, get the bartender to add some blackcurrant cordial (or other fruit flavour) Tastes good, gets you SMASHED. You lose your inhibitions a bit but thankfully you also have no memory of it next day. Good times! :)

Mr O said...

this has got to be one of my favorite posts of all time. You tell such wonderful stories with great lines:

With a sea captain's hat perched askew on the top of his head, he smelled like onions, a fish sandwich, and broken dreams

haha, but most noteable: Notre Dame is your college?

for the love of pictures said...

My friend had a similar awkward stripper situation happen to her when she crashed her hubby-to-be's bachelorette party a while back - sounds like the exact same girl actually. She must be making the rounds.

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

So looking forward to part two. You HAVE built it up a bit though. However, I'm sure it can top what is otherwise a brilliant post. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Secretia said...

That place doesn't sound like it was where the lapdance was invented. And $400 for Vodka, it better be the greatest, huh?

angryredhead said...

Oh shit, you TOTALLY just owned my ass. How am I gonna top this? I worship you. I never did get my stripper lapdance. :(

Trinity said...

Any story with you at a strip club probably is going to end well.

otherworldlyone said...

Strippers...gawd love um'.

Welcome to Cooper. Can't wait for part 2.

*uncorked said...

Oh Lola, I love your stories. They're almost always like deja vu. Sounds like you had an interesting time, slightly reminiscent of my last trip to New Orleans where a stripper shared her secret to staying skinny with me during a lap dance my little brother bought for me. It was lovely.

P.S. Did Cooper help you get that dead hooker out of your car yet?

Lola Lakely said...

@Veg- Wow, that sounds like a complicated but deliciously wonderful drink. I will have to try it but I'm not sure I have any inhibitions left to lose.
@Mr. O- Thank you so much! That means a lot coming from you. Notre Dame is not my college actually. I got in but didn't end up going. My dad didn't speak to me for a week because that was his college. But The Irish, they remain my one true love.
@fortheloveofpic- Why are all strippers in this area Eastern European?
@Tenn- Hahaha. I'm not sure if i can top it- unless it's topless. Wow, I even cringed as I wrote that.
@Secretia- I believe the 400 went more to the VIP section than anything else.
@angryredhead- Come visit me and I'll take you out! Do I hear ominous music as I ended that statement? You bet your ass I did.
@Trinity- Awesome. Although, I think Kane had a problem with my texts. Stay Tuned.
@otherworldlyone- I'll let him know you welcomed him. I now need to find a less expensive place.
@uncorked- I knew there was a reason behind our friendship. What was the secret? Sadly, he was too drunk to be of much help. I had to remove the dead hooker all by myself.

Cooper said...

Just to set the record straight, Lola...I was plenty depressed before the night in question, and you and dean did a pretty lousy job of saving my wallet if that was your intention, as it's $300 lighter at the moment.

Whiskey rulez. Papaya Dog rulez.

Lola is a very sweet and lovely and insane woman. You should all be jealous that you don't know her.

Lola Lakely said...

@Cooper- I think Dean and I were kind of too late. I blame the bouncer for yelling at me and thus becoming the road block in my quest to save you and your wallet. And awwww, that was the nicest comment ever. You should be in my blog, like, every day.

*uncorked said...

Yeah, her secret was Adderall (or was it cocaine?)

linlah said...

That sounds like a perfectly normal weekend except for the broken dreams guy.

ladytruth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ladytruth said...

Really like the blog's new look by the way! Now you know how to avoid a weird night out, right? Arriving early of course ;)

Lola Lakely said...

@ladytruth- Thanks for the compliment- it's much more me than the previous lay-out. I really need to learn my lesson one of these days.

Unindicted Co-Conspirator said...

Blaming the Germans because you’re always late is like blaming the Greeks because your life is tragic. Sharing your chicken fettuccini with Cooper (BTW, I vote for Lance). Is that what the kids are calling it now?
BTW, best key words ever!

mo.stoneskin said...

One of the surest signs of nonsense is the sight of a grizzled old Mexican. I avoid them like the plague.

Hunter said...

It's so risque over here. I respect that.

Very funny post.

Lola Lakely said...

@Unindicted Co-Conspirator True, but it's not going to stop me from blaming them. I like to blame others for my mistakes. And it was just food, I swear. buses, commuting, strippers, whiskey oh my!
@mo.stoneskin - They are a sign of nonsense! Thank you for jumping on the grizzled old Mexican nonsense bandwagon!
@Hunter- Thanks for stopping by and respecting the risque and the funny. ;)

Simon said...

I’m fairly sure I’d react in a similar way if a male stripper asked me equivalent questions. Well, the final ‘Oh’ anyway.

Great layout, by the way – even though, in my depravity, I saw the guitar that the cute redhead is holding as compellingly phallic in appearance.

Lola Lakely said...

@Simon- Why do you think I chose such a guitar? *Gasp* Could this be another illegitamate connection between us?

JR Moreau said...

Reminds me of some of the great times I had when studying abroad in Prague. Language barriers have saved me from serious embarassment and have also lead to near misses of serious physical harm. Somtimes burrying my face in a book is the most un-controntational way to be anti-socail while going somewhere...

Great blog, by the way. Entertaining and makes me want to read more. I think I shall! :-)

Hannah Miet said...

I would pay to witness that stripper conversation first hand. Seriously.

And I was in hysterics by "the odor!" Thanks for making my day better.

Lola Lakely said...

@ JR Moreau- Thanks for the compliments! And I have on occasion used the book-in-face tactic for avoiding interesting characters.

@Hannah- Well as someone who takes public transportation, I'm sure you've run into quite the same thing. Yeah, I'm hoping I can have more awkward conversations with strippers in the future- so that I can write about them.

LiLu said...

"Either be ridiculously funny or do something incredibly embarrassing."

The code of blogdom. It's so, so true.

Lola Lakely said...

@ Lilu- Oh how right you are!

*uncorked said...

Anxiously awaiting Part Two

Lola Lakely said...

@uncorked- I will finish it tonight and you'll get it tomorrow morning! I have to aplogize for real life getting in the way of blogging. Seriously, can you remind me again why I have to work?

*uncorked said...

Because God hates us and won't let us earn enough money blogging not to have to work?