Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Lola vs. Simple Dating Rules # 5, 6, 7

Lola's Simple Dating Rule # 5- I'm guessing that the correct response when Guy A says, "I want to come over and cook you a nice dinner." probably isn't "Ummm, why?"

Lola's Simple Dating Rule # 6- When Guy B says,"Can I stay over?" you really shouldn't shoot back, "Either way is fine with me, dude."

And last but not least...

Lola's Simple Dating Rule # 7- Never, ever reply to Guy C's "I'm missing something." with an "Oh god, please say it's not your wallet."

Recently I made the attempt to make myself less weary when men are nice to me. As the above evidence suggests, this attempt failed. Rather miserably. Now, I'm a little confused as to why this is. I don't think that all men deserve to be punished for one big, bad experience because I have a tight circle of male friends who I, quite honestly, think the absolute world of.

But for some reason, generally around the third or even second date, I panic. And it's not deer-in-the-headlights panic, it's more along the lines of help-me-I-need-to-move-to-Yemen-and-change-my-name panic.

So I made the mistake of asking my friend Kane, after a few beers (of course), why he thought I was like this and what, if anything, I could do from stopping Yemen mode. And so he imparted to me his own particular brand of wisdom.

Kane: Why don't you do what I do when I want to get out of a relationship?
Lola: Even though it has absolutely nothing to do what I just asked you, go ahead.
Kane: Wake up in Vegas, handcuffed naked to a stranger.
Lola: Oh right, Natalie. (shakes her head) But what if I want to actually try and extract myself from panic mode?
Kane: (bursts out into laughter) No, you don't. (thinking) Plus, I'm not going to give you advice for that kind of thing.
Lola: Well, why not?
Kane: Because it's too much fun to watch you freak out. And I benefit from the shit they send you. Like that fruit basket that one guy sent you with the pineapples shaped like stars and the chocolate covered strawberries.
Lola: That guy wasn't dating me though. He threw up in my sink.
Kane: Oh, right. (considering) Is that the same guy who threw up on your futon?
Lola: No, different guy.
Kane: What about that guy who threw up off your porch? The one your friend found passed out by Hot Bagels, bleeding.
Lola: God, I never realized how many people have vomited at my house. (pause) Ugh, this is exactly why I'm fucked up. I go from dating to vomiting in 2.5 seconds.


Mr. Condescending said...

I believe yemen has a large notorious open arms market. Wouldn't it be more fun to buy bazookas and grenade launchers than mess with screwy guys?

Dating sucks anyways, 'cept for sexytime!

tennysoneehemingway said...

Lady Hem was exactly like you, until she met ME! Therefore, I am the answer. What was the question again?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hmm. Maybe you need to start dating guys you want to go to bed with. That generally helps things along.

ladytruth said...

I can definitely relate to you, except for the vomiting-part: I'll crack anyone puking at my house. As for the panic-part? I only panic when they don't want to stop phoning after two weeks. Two weeks is a good number, almost like giving them their two weeks notice :) Do I sound like a guy with boobs? Shit.

Little Ms Blogger said...

What's with the pukers?

Sorry, that wasn't the point of the post - or maybe it was...Maybe you panic because you know at some point they'll head back to your place and puke.

I solved your problem - find a nonpuker.

The Peach Tart said...

I love this last line. "God, I never realized how many people have vomited at my house. (pause) Ugh, this is exactly why I'm fucked up. I go from dating to vomiting in 2.5 seconds."

Isn't it nice to have an ah ha moment like that?

Unknown said...

Bwah ha ha ha!! You're hilarious!

The Caped Tirader said...

Lola- you are one sick chick! Dating Rule #5 = awesome!

Trinity said...

Being someone who has puked on a persons porch before, I would like to say that it had nothing to do with the owner of the porch. So don't consider it.

As for dating, I would think you need to just make friends with someone you wouldn't mind sleeping with. If you can be friends for a while, then you can actually earn the reputation your friends girlfriends have given you by actually sleeping with a friend. I got a wife that way.

Jeanette said...

Your posts are hilarious! As a sidenote though... Yemen is very nice :)

Laura said...

I feel like I have to issue a disclaimer here. I actually did not date any of the guys who have thrown up in or around my house.

@Mr C. And you equate dating to buying arms on the black market. You and I are quite the pair, aren't we? Sexytime for the win.

@Tenn- I always think you are the answer.

@Gorillas- Yeah, I date those too. Problem is I lose interest the moment the bed happens

@ladytruth- Yeah, I get called a guy with boobs all the time.

@LittleMsBlogger- Honestly, I think it has more to do with the copious amount of alcohol at my parties then me.

@Peach- Thanks! Although, I kinda wish my aha moments actually consisted of substance.

@Trinity- Ahhh, your words of wisdom fill me with glee. Are you sure we don't know each other?

@Klaw- Thanks! I aim to please... at least my readers. Apparently not the guys who want to be my boyfriend.

@CT- I'm not sick. I'm just different. And you've been to my house- you know what kind of alcohol I have there.

@Jeanette- Thanks! I've never been although I remember when Chandler on friends flew to Yemen to get away from Janice. He lived on Yemen Rd, Yemen Town, Yemen.

Unknown said...

Haha, I think I remember Dating Rule #6 - wedding guy? I have the same second date problem. I get all freaked out and find any reason to disregard the guy. So, really, I have no advice for you - but if you get any good advice or figure out what may be wrong with us, please let me know as well. As far as I know, I've only had one guy throw up at my place, and lucky for me, he must have eaten a bag of doritos before he puked. There was orange puke on my remote control. Which of course, made me barf when I saw it.

The Caped Tirader said...

I meant sick as in badass :)

Laura said...

@uncorked- Yup, #6 is wedding guy! I swear it is due to the fact I have parties. And they are big ones. With lots of alcohol. And ugh, dorito puke. My question for you is, If you ever come to NYC, will you look me up? Because maybe we could find out the key to this together!

Laura said...

@CT- Phew! That makes me feel SO much better.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Dating Rule #8 Provide a barf bag at the door.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, we both have the same vomiting problem. Except 2 out of 3 times occurred during intercourse.

And my male friends, unlike yours, have firmly convinced me that I do not want to date EVER. Hooray for committment issues!

Vodka Logic said...

Funny and when you get to Yemen say hi to Chandler Bing.

And thanks for stopping by. Stereophonics rock, I cant wait for their new cd.
See you on twitter.

Unknown said...

OMG, Angryreadhead - puke DURING intercourse? That's disturbing.

And of course I will look you up. I'm actually planning a trip next spring to visit some friends in CT and NY - watch out East Coast!

Laura said...

@Stereos- I probably should just give them out when people come to my house now.
@angry- Wow, words fail. That has never happened to me.
@Vodka- Hilarious, he is the sole reason i chose Yemen. Me too, about Stereophonics that is!

Anonymous said...

lol I get freaked out when guys are nice too... what is up with us??

owo said...

"The one your friend found passed out by Hot Bagels, bleeding."


Yes, I'd say we do have a few things in common. ;)

Simon said...

You could become a nun. It would make life considerably simpler for you.

Meg said...

I often vomit after dating, which is almost like what you're saying. Those answers may not be the best things to say to Mr. Right, but they're hella great things to say to Mr. Get-the-fuck-outta-my-bed-loser and Mr. Who-are-you? and Mr. Where-is-it-I-don't-see-it.
Keep up the good work, my new friend, and I'm SO glad we found each other.

Laura said...

@littlemissobsessivexo- I don't know. I think I'm going to blame the fact that I don't drink enough imported Norwegian mineral water.
@otherworldyone- I'm glad we found each other too! In sarcasm we trust!
@Simon- I think the thought of me as a nun just made a stranger spontaneously combust.
@OneSassyGirl- God I am just adoring you right now.

linlah said...

Really a fruit basket DOES make up for puking. And your responses to Guys A, B and C were all quite appropriate.

Anonymous said...

If you plan on moving and changing your name, go to somewhere like Australia. Hot guys and hotter accents ;).

Star-shaped pineapple slices sound so good right now.

Judearoo said...

Oh I enjoyed that! Cracking blog, will be back!

Laura said...

@linlah- Chocolate covered strawberries can make up for a lot in my book!
@coolasfolk- True, accents are pretty hot. Thanks for stopping by!
@Judearoo- Thanks. I like repeat customers. Just not in the dating world.

bluntdelivery said...

Dearest other half of my crescent moon,

i shall sell all my possessions and move to Yemen with you. i cannot imagine anything more splendid in all the world.

hoping you don't feel smothered by this comment,


Secretia Teller said...

Less vomit, more saliva is nice.