Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Lola vs. The Simple Life

My last post was about strippers so I thought I'd calm down just a tad and reveal a softer side of Lola. Well sort of.

I like to take walks. Sounds simple, right? Well, remember it's me.

Kane and I started this walking tradition when I went through an obsession with running a few months ago. After the run I jogged by his house, knocked on his door, and bothered him to kill some time with me. He suggested visiting the arboretum in the next town over.

Lola: I guess so, how far away is it?
Kane: It's only about a mile and a half away, there and back.
Lola: Cool. (two hours pass and the intrepid pair have not reached their destination...) Dude, I'm pretty sure we've gone a lot more than a mile.
Kane: (looking around) Yeah, I don't really know where we are.
Lola: (accusatory) You led me astray. (looks down) I can't feel my legs.
Kane: That's because you fell out of the tree. Epic fail on the whole climbing thing.
Lola: Yeah, I'm kinda glad you moved those rocks below the tree in anticipation over that fact.

Along this journey, we decided that besides climbing trees -ok, falling out of trees- that we are very adept at finding really disturbing things that go on within the idyllic confines of our community. Like tree concentration camps, dead shrews, cartwheels gone amok, an ice cream truck that refused to pop its weasel, and escaped mental patients running wild. To name a few.

Now the two hour walk has become an integral part of our relationship.

The other day we went for one of our epic journeys and something interesting happened as we turned into Kane's street from mine. Suddenly during the span of one street, our neighborhood went from a sunny and calm kids-riding-bikes-and-eating-ice cream-happily-in-the-street kind of place to a windy, post-apocalyptic war zone. Large stretches of pavement had been torn asunder, sidewalks had been blasted apart, and not a soul could be seen for miles.

Amidst the rubble and dust clouds, massive, ominous construction machines littered the road with no clear indication of their usefulness or true purpose. Not only did I legitimately see a tumbleweed creep across the greenish tinged horizon, but I also counted about 5-7 jackhammers just randomly laying about the place. This, of course, amused the hell out of us and I decided I had to run back to my house and grab my camera to catalog our walk for the rest of the world.

PhotobucketObviously some sort of alien race from the Star Wars galaxy has finally arrived on our planet to scavenge and/or lay waste to humans. I did not survive.

<span class=A pair of mismatched shoes lay abandoned, as if their owners had simply vanished where they stood. Since we had clearly wandered into post-apocalyptic DC in the vein of FallOut3 , I am of the opinion that they slowly turned into ghouls and had no further use for shoes of the human variety.

<span class=

We stumbled across the above seriously creepy building- which is clearly a mental institution- where the barbed wire is facing towards the structure in order to keep people in, rather than out. Please note the medical alert bracelet tangled artfully in the fence.

We fled. Immediately. Right into a plot of land with all these strange heaps of dirt.

<span class=

And what would a post apocalyptic neighborhood be without a menacing religious statue coming out of a flower pot on the porch of an abandoned house?

<span class=

After Kane safely deposited me on my doorstep and we had a bout of insane laughter over our narrow escape through a wild, war-torn northern Jersey town, I realized that I just don't have it in me to do anything simple.

It always has to be an adventure.


Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Best. Walk. Ever.

Hunter said...

Abandoned shoes are creepy.

Sounds (and looks) like quite the adventure.

Organic Meatbag said...

Cool...burying the crazy fuckers in unmarked mass graves...that's the Mozart burial...

Anonymous said...

My favorite part is definitely the medical alert bracelet attached to the fence. Creeeeeeeepy.

mysterg said...

You would think that the Virgin Mary would trim her bush...

Lola Lakely said...

@Tenn- I like to think so.
@Hunter- Sooo creepy. It was really that statue that put me over the edge though.
@Organic- Was that why I heard music distantly in the background?
@angryredhead- Yeah, that one was pretty sick. Lucky for me, I had Kane to squeal like a girl with.
@mysterg- Seriously, she offends me.

timoteo said...

I was going to make a Fallout 3 comment...and then you go and beat me to it in your post.

j-face said...

and I will be following you... can't decide if you had me at naughty redhead or lola vs strippers. both very well done, I must say.

Surge said...

Hahaha, that nun/angel thing is all rising out of the flowerpot like "I'm the shit and Yes, Jesus does watch you."

I was drunkish one time with my friends, and we were also on one of our awsome walks to MC D's, there was a whole bunch of construction machine things and I was like Yeah! They're deserted! How bout I sit on this one! So I did, and this horrid beeping came out of no where and the chair started to decline downwards. Which made me laugh and shit myself at the same time. They definetly laughed harder.

And my friend was all like Yeah! But wait ! I wanna piss on that one! So while I jumped out he whipped his man parts out and took a whizz on the seat. This led to many R Kelly jokes all the way there and back. Can I pizz on yo face?!???!!

Lola Lakely said...

@timoteo- Gotta love FallOut3!
@J-face- Why thank you, j. Stick around, I'm sure we can find some dirty, filthy secrets for you to uncover. ;)
@Surge- What is it with random beeping construction machines? Shouldn't they go home or something after they are done?

Mr O said...

that first picture is awesome, haha. And I agree, everything with you seems to be an adventure.

This post made me realize two things:

1) I still need to add your gamertag

2) that Kane seems like a pretty interesting person himself and I am kind of wanting to know about his role in your life. Is that weird? I sure hope not

Stereos and Souffles said...

You might want to start carrying a weapon on these walks of yours.

Lola Lakely said...

@Mr. O- Why, yes you! I actually haven't been on very much as of late. Stupid life interfering with my videogames. And yes, Kane is one of my very best friends. He's my moral compass, my center, and my chi all rolled up into one. More on him later
@Stereos- Coud it be a tazer? They sound appropriate.

JR Moreau said...

Sometimes I like to put on some good ol' El-P "Tasmanian Pain Coaster" when I go on walks through crappy neighborhoods and pretend I am an android in BladeRunner. So, yr. not alone.

Lola Lakely said...

@JR- I always enjoy a little Sci-fi with my walks.

linlah said...

Always pack a camera.

Trinity said...

I don't know why but just for a second I thought you had discovered a body and taken a picture of it. Knowing you, it wouldn't have surprised me. Maybe you stumbled upon a movie set and they were just off for the day.

otherworldlyone said...

I need a neighborhood like that to walk in.

The only thing I see when walking are trees, trees, trees, and the occasional woodland creature on crack.