Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Lola vs. Spongebob and Spillage

I am an an incoherent, mean mess in the morning. I hate- and I can't stress this enough-hate waking up. Until I've had my coffee, the world and I are not on speaking terms.

A few years ago on this particular day, I had forgotten to set my alarm for an earlier meeting and was therefore catastrophically late. Unable to shower or properly attend to my riotous reddish locks, I changed in record time and threw the aforementioned hair into a pony tail. Usually my clothing is a bit on the unconventional side but today I had carefully laid out proper business attire (oh how responsible of me!) for the meeting.

In my stubborn- okay, borderline obsessive- conviction to only make one trip to the car, I had a laptop bag, coffee, purse, business folders, and my lunch clutched in my arms. Having no hands left in which to open the door, I made several unsuccessful attempts at trying to open it with my foot. Eventually I got fed up and, fueled by the anger of being late, kicked the door. This range of motion was, apparently, too much for the items balanced precariously in both hands. In slow-motion, I watched helplessly as the entire contents of the hot, scalding coffee tipped over and onto my nice work skirt.

Screeching, I ran back inside and changed into the only skirt I had that matched the rest of the outfit. It was a pure snow white linen. So I left the coffee on the floor, packed up the rest of my things (which were strewn all over my kitchen at this point), and broke every available traffic law there is in New Jersey in order to get to work on time.

I got there to find a flashing message from my boss in my inbox. Meeting changed to 10:30. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that I could go to the cafeteria and get another cup of coffee and in effect throw off the morning haze and the irritation of being late.

Carlos the cafeteria breakfast guy (yes, we are on a first name basis) saw me walk in and brightened:

Lola: Hey Carlos!
Carlos: (surprised) You are dressed so nicely today. And you are much later than normal.
Lola: (pondering at how apparently her wardrobe is not up to par for the cafeteria staff's taste) Um, yeah. I always like a side of judgement with my egg white omelet.
Carlos: (grinning under his ginormous hair net, not really understanding Lola's brilliant repartee) So that means you have time for your usual?
Lola: (checks the clock) Why, not? I'll go fill up my coffee. (turns around)
Carlos: (bursts into laughter as Lola walks away) Lola, I didn't know you liked it that way.
Lola: (coming back to the griddle, confused) Wha-at?
Carlos: (as he is scraping her egg-white pepper and mushroom omelet onto a plate) Is that an invitation?
Lola: (thoroughly confused as he hands her the plate) What are you talking about?
Carlos: (gesturing to her skirt with the spatula) That.
Lola: (looking down at her stain free skirt) Well this just got weird. I'm gonna leave now.

Completely confused at the language barrier that had just occurred, I traveled back to the third floor. I heard a few giggles as I made my way to my cubicle but chalked them up to me being paranoid and not having enough coffee in my system. Oh, how naive I was.

I gobbled up my breakfast and coffee, deliberated over a few emails, and decided with wonder that I actually had time to go to the bathroom before the big meeting. I rose with a sense of purpose, brushed the crumbs off my skirt, and headed to the bathroom. Then a woman who worked in accounting gave me possibly the dirtiest look I have ever seen a human being give another as I passed by.

This was getting ridiculous now. I must have missed a stain on my ass or something. I fling open the doors to the bathroom and planted myself in front of the full length mirror. There were no embarrassing stains on the front but when I looked on the back...

Oh. My. God. The mortification spread over my face like a rash as I realized what had happened. The color of my white skirt was no match for the unique, hip hugger underwear I wore beneath it.

So there for all my company to see was Spongebob riding a bright red seahorse. Across my cheeks, in big bold letters, it read:

Let's Ride!

36 comments:

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

Oh My Lord, that is one of the funniest posts I've read in quite a while. Does that mean you were 'backs to the wall' for the rest of the day?

imitsky said...

hahahaha

...I'm not a big proponent of the "FML" statement, but that kind of experience has poster child written all over it. You have raised the bar. Godspeed.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Good thing there weren't any horny baboons in the vicinity. Red butts can drive them crazy.

Pepper said...

I can't remember reading such a great post. This is a memorable one indeed.

Jeanette said...

Bahahaha, the intensity was building with the hilarity. This was awesome! I'm just like you in that I like to take everything out at once, so far I've managed to keep my coffee up. I even kept it from spilling when I slipped down the front stairs ahah

Simon said...

I rarely burst out laughing at a post, but this was one of those occasions. I bow to you – with a certain amount of caution – and congratulate you on an anecdote brilliantly told.

Amy said...

Ahahahaha, hooooly crap. What do you even do with that for the rest of the day? It's like you *have* to bring it up/make fun of it just to save face.

Organic Meatbag said...

Oh, I would have been the one getting a picture of that with my camera phone... not because I'm pervy...because it's funny...I swear! Hehehehe...

Sami said...

Oh god. I would have been MORTIFIED. Gone home sick, even!

Great story though, hope you were able to save face as the day went on!

The Peach Tart said...

I would have taken off the panties and gone commando for the day.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I know it's mean to laugh but...HAHAHAHAHA! hee! Oops. But you did it for us, Lola. For future bloggy gold.

I too am a mean, mean person till I've had my coffee. I don't function early without it. Later I'm fine, but early? Please! Caffeinate my ass. My Spongebob-FREE ass I might add. :)

*uncorked said...

Hilarious - but why in God's name do you have Spongebob hip hugger underwear?

miss. chief said...

AHAHAAA too funny!!

angryredhead said...

holy shit, you have no idea how much this made my day. AMAZING. i wanna see these dra'ars.

blunt delivery said...

dearest love of my life that i would have inevitably been matched up with had we both signed up for E-harmony at some point,

we are so much alike that i can't stand it anymore. i was literally in the middle of writing a post about my olive oil catastrophe when i stumble across this. you will enjoy it. it's something you'd of done.

and hello, hip huggers are the way to go. boyshorts rock the house. and so, so comfy.

love,

your one and only

Hannah Miet said...

Lola, dearest, you are tagged on my blog. Now you must invite strangers to your house. I'm not responsible if they steal shit. Sorry.

B said...

oh my gawd!! this was great. so sorry of course! but pretty freakin' hilarious!

made my night. yes my night!!!

Lola Lakely said...

@Tenn- I told you it was a spillage of epic proportions. I'm really glad you liked it! Backs to the wall I went!
@Imitsky- Stuff like this happens to me ALL the time, instead of being all "woe is me", I tend to try and take it all in stride. And make fun of myself!
@Pepper, B, angryredhead, Sami, Organic, B- I am so glad that my embarrasment can bring amusement to you all. I take great pride in my misadventures.
@Jeanette- I refuse to take two trips to the car. It's like a disease.
@uncorked- A better question would be, why in god's name doesn't everyone have a pair?
@Hannah- I'll try my best! Thanks for the tag!

Lola Lakely said...

@Simon- Thank you so much for your kind words! If you think this story is good, you should hear about the time I embarrassed myself in front of a Hollywood Film Icon. It involves, sweddish meatballs, a glass of Jack, and a pinky shake. Interested? ;)

Dearest Inspiration For All Those 80's monster ballad love songs I co-wrote,

It is getting quite ridiculous how much we are alike. Do you also have a penchant for unique underwear?

Eagerly awaiting the Olive Oil Incident,

Lola

Merrick said...

Oh Lola- so happy I took the time out of my oddly busy day (work- who'd a thunk it?) to read this. So much information streaming into my dome-piece and this was JUST the laugh I needed to help me ease my brain for a few minutes before getting back to it. You're a peach and now my mind is racing at the idea your dump-truck ensconced in SpongeBob. . .sooooo hawt!

ladytruth said...

There is just something about a white skirt that always gets people in some kind of trouble/embarrassing situation, right?!

I'm in the clan of white-skirt-pants-disasters; let's just say it involved my first day as a teacher at a new school, muddy dog paws going unnoticed and a snotty student saying:
"Miss, you really shouldn't eat that much chocolate in the morning; my mom said it goes straight to the hips when you're over thirty." I'm 25. She got detention for, well, for opening her mouth.

Thanks for the comment and the "following" of my blog; this is my first of many, many visits to yours ;)

Lola Lakely said...

@Merrick- I am always happy to be your distraction at work.

@ladytruth- Seriously, I should just abandon all hopes of wearing white. Ugh, I wish you could bitch slap students. Snotty defintely deserved one! Thanks for stopping by lovely lady!

Simon said...

Lola, there is nothing I would love more than to hear about the time you embarrassed yourself in front of a Hollywood Film Icon. Do it and I shall include a photo of Tom Cruise in leather bondage gear in my next blog post.

Nickie. said...

Awww that me made laugh but not in a mocking way. I would have been so freakin embarassed. But I still rock Spongebob undies tooo. =)

JennyMac said...

Cant.stop.laughing.

OMG> this is brilliant.

Hannah Miet said...

That may actually be the best thing I've ever read.

Holy hell.

Those are the coolest underwear in existence. Second coolest is my red thong that says "How YOU doin'?"

KLaw said...

Holy shit, I laughed so hard at this. You poor thing! Glad I found you!

Tell Bob I said hi! :)

LiLu said...

No one ever understands my brilliant repartees. Which might suggest that they're not so brilliant... crap.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

oh my goodness...my jaw just dropped. I don't know which is worse, wearing the stained coffee skirt or wearing a lovely white skirt with spongebob undies topped off with the funniest tag line! hehehehehe... what a day!

Lola Lakely said...

@Nickie- I need you to send me your blog info! I can't access it for some reason. Sadly, It has disappeared. I blame Spongebob.
@JennyMac & Hannah- Thanks ladies! I like embarassing myself for the safe of others' amusment. No really, I actually do.
@KLaw- Bob and I are actually not on speaking terms at the moment. I think he abused me.
@Lilu- No they are brilliant. I like to think everyone else is just stupid. ;)
@ChinkyGirlMel- Seriously- I need to be more careful with my underwear.

blunt delivery said...

other half,

um, yes. i do. i especially have a penchant for 50s desperate housewife or white trashy inspired items, such as anne taintor. i'm assuming you do as well.

desperately in love,

blunt.

Amanda said...

LOL!!! oh my gosh, this is too funny. This, combined with the post before it makes me wonder why you ever, ever wear white, haha. I hope today is going monumentally better than the day in question here.

Thank you so much for coming by Cheap Wine and Cookies. I promise it is usually much more amusing than it has been the last couple weeks. I'm so thrilled you found it because I LOVE yours!

Happy Saturday!

Ella Everywhere said...

OMG that story is hilarious, I do feel your pain though - I would be mortified!

mo.stoneskin said...

You have demonstrated exactly why making my coffee is the first thing I do in each morning!

angryredhead said...

there's a treat for you on my blog, try not to explode with excitement

Violet said...

hahaha, that's I wear plain underwear or just no underwear at all (with pants)...omg!!!