Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Lola vs. Holy Matritution

So if you haven't guessed by now, I'm in the phase in my life that I like to refer to as the avoiding-a-relationship-as-if-it-is-the-plague stage. But being a girl and living alone gives you very few options for quick flings.

Picking up someone is fine. Wanting them to know where you live is not.

My boys and I have this debate about how to go about finding a fling. D thinks that I'm too picky. J, however, would much rather me "take one for the team" and keep on having the socially awkward dating experiences for the express purposes of entertaining them. Kane feels that I just need the right atmosphere for a fling. Here is where he eloquently explains the benefits of a certain situation. Or something like that:

Lola: Sometimes I'm such a dude.
Kane: Oh let me count the ways. Maybe there are girls like you. Just probably not with the severe lack of filter affliction you exhibit. (pause) But seriously, you just need the right opportunity.
Lola: (thinking) How about a wedding? With a wedding you know there's at least one person who knows the guy second hand.
Kane: Very true. Not as many weirdos as the average bar. Or they disguise themselves better. And it's usually in a hotel so you can always scream if the guy is a serial killer.
Lola: Wow, the benefits are just piling up. So maybe I should just go to more weddings then.
Kane: You should. But then it's like prostitution.
Lola: Wha-at?
Kane: Since it costs money each time in the form of a nicely wrapped gift. Usually from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Lola: (realization dawns) Oh shit, I actually gave them money.
Kane: There you go. So the people who got married are like pimps.
Lola: So you're saying the bride and groom manage the sexual sales transactions for the bridal party/guests.
Kane: Exactly. Next on 60 Minutes: Wedding Prostitution- Victimless Crime or Alarming Trend?
Lola: I'm going with alarming trend. (pause, considering) But it has to be Dateline. Because I feel strongly that Stone Phillips needs to cover this.
Kane: Good luck with that. Make sure they blur your face. And please don't list me as a witness. I don't feel that we're in the point of our relationship where I can be an anonymous source.

Thanks Kane. Once again our heartwarming conversations make life worth living.


the girl with the pink teacup said...

I reckon you should demand your money back from some of the happy couples when their pimping services aren't up to scratch. Like, say, if you end up being "introduced" to someone's awkward cousin who spends a little too much time with model trains. You've got to have standards, after all.

tennysoneehemingway said...

Weddings are the new Brothels? There's got to be something to that, now that you mention it. And, let's face it, everyone looks good in a suit/dress; there's free alcohol and food; there's dancing - what more could one want? This is brilliant! Wait, was Wedding Crashers actually a documentary?

ladytruth said...

Wow, I never really thought of wedding sex that way. My poor friends must me some of the cheapest pimps out there then!

Jeanette said...

This is one of those things you never realize until someone says it out loud haha BUt it is so true!!

Organic Meatbag said...

Weddings are just a means of eating bad fish and filling the hearts of several single girls with hope as the bride tosses the bouquet back...only one will get it...the rest of the girls face dejection...then they go home and try to remember "Is it across the street or down the river?" as they pull out a razor blade...
When you think about it, weddings are often just big mass suicide events...hello Jonestown!

Trinity said...

I never experienced this in a random hook up way, but you take your wife to a wedding, they get kind of randy. Especially when you add red wine into the mix. It is almost worth suiting a real suit.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

hahahaha..maybe i should attend more weddings. lols. hehehehe....

Unknown said...

Gifts for weddings should be more like a down payment or deposit for a fun wedding. If the wedding sucks, you get your money back. If there is no open bar, well, I wouldn't go anyway, but you should get your money back. If there are any less than 5 single, non-psychotic potential flings there, you get your money back. It's only fair.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I met so many great guys at my cousin's wedding in July. It's not so easy to hook up with all your family around though, gotta make sure it's more of a friend's wedding dealio. And high five to being single.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wonder where my money's been. Every time I get a decrepit looking dollar, I shudder inside. You bring up a good point though, I wonder what my money is helping to facilitate. My guess is a sweat shop, but hopefully one of the classier ones.


Stereos and Souffles said...

Before I was married, that was the reason I didn't bring a date to most weddings. Why commit for the night before you get to see the line up?

Mr. Condescending said...

Go to a casino! Look in the higher stakes craps tables and wink at the hot high roller of your choice.

Sounds good right!?

Mr O said...

wedding huh?

So THAT'S where it's at!

Is it bad that you "taking one for the team" helps out your blog audience as well?

Merrick said...

I gotta get to some more weddin's. I'm willing to drop a hondo to shag some sledd dawg who's all gussied up and looking for her prince charming. Ain't no shame in that game.

Nickie. said...

lol. awesome convo. =)

Hannah Miet said...

...which is why the two of us need to become the hottest female wedding crashers in America.

I'm totally down in you are...

(And great post, as usual.)

The London Loves said...

Oh my GOD I feel soiled. Can't give details. Feel too dirty. But can just say... Irish groomsman (and jockey). Bride's Bed. The End.

I have two weddings left this season and have promised to be better behaved.

Laura said...

@teacup- Ahhh, standards... I remember when I used to have those.

@Tennyson ee Hemingway- I don't even need to crash. I know too many people who get married. No one ever listens to me when I tell them not to.

@Organic- Wow, I hope I never meet an of those girls in a dark alley. Lucky for me I have a healthy does of i-love-being-single

@uncorked- Will you be my next wedding date? We
might just wreck some shit up that way.

@ladytruth- That's what I love about Kane. Always there for a nice blunt comment

@angreredhead- True, I never thought about it that way. Lucky for me no family has marched down that scary, scary alter yet.

@Mr O- That's partly why I just can't quite say no to dating yet.

@Stereos- I LOVE the way you think!

@Mr C- You may have just found my new stomping ground! Do you have any good pick up lines- casinoesque- that I can use?

@Hannah- I am SO in.

@The London Loves- You had me at Irish groomsman. Mental note befriend some accented people in order to get invited to their weddings.

Jonesey said...

Where do you live? There has to be a seedy bar in that part of town. Check out yelp!

The Caped Tirader said...

A wedding is a great place to meet someone. And yes Lola, there is a slightly lower chance of the person being a creepy creep. Besides, Like I've said, in every business and almost every social interaction, one person is the pimp, one is the prositute, and another is the trick.

Unknown said...

I will happily be your next wedding date. As long as there is an open bar. I don't go to weddings without open bars.

Soda and Candy said...

Your boy Kane is onto something!

Unknown said...

Crap, just got an engagement announcement for another cousin. You available to be my date for a wedding in Chicago? :)

Laura said...

@CT- Boy am I glad you are back!
@Jonesey- That's the whole point of the post- how to avoid seedy bars. Where to find flings that are above the level of a seedy bar.
@Soda- I'm saying! Kane's good like that!
@uncorked- Holy hell- I'm there!

blunt delivery said...

Dear brightest star in the southern sky or actually all the skies combined,

oh, this is the dilemma. Unfortunately, my problem is i start a fling, but then the guy always wants to get serious, and before you know it i've snowballed into a pre-engagement that i want no part of cus i can't say no.

at LEAST you don't do that.

awaiting the day you show up at my door wrapped in a bow,


mo.stoneskin said...

The people who got married are like pimps?



Girl Interrupted said...

So ... all my friend's deciding that they don't want to get married, just live together, is denying me a more interesting sex life and the means of finding a potentially suitable partner?

Those bastards! They are SO off my Christmas card list!!

Anonymous said...

This sounds like you actually got a piece of ass at a wedding and the fake convo you had with Kane is just a way to post about it on your blog with out coming off like a slut. Well done. Is drunken wedding sex better then drunken bar sex? In my experience I say yes, from his side he better say without a doubt. The only bad thing is if was good you probably wont see that guy again for a repeat performance.