Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Lola vs. Spiritual Nutshelling

Religious discussions + alcohol = Unmitigated disaster.

There is nothing I hate more than religious discussions between the hours of 12:00 and 4:55 a.m. when people are way too blasted to even put forth one intelligent sentence about this subject. It becomes an incoherent, hot mess which leads to anger, accusations, and arguments that are always impossible to decipher. No one ever knows who initiated the conversation and people almost always recite some random, obscure piece of religious literature they have read- that no one else in the group is even remotely familiar with- to prove their point.

Seriously, what is it about being wasted that makes spewing out a dissertation on the legitimacy of the bible sound highly cerebral to the spewer?

In any case, I have found a sound method to combat this disastrous conversation path. Or at the very least a profound and passionate answer that I can really get behind.

As my dear friend Kane finished up his rant on the holy ghost and how inane, confusing, and hypocritical catholics are in conjunction to the HG, he turned to me and asked me my opinion. I paused, plastering what I hoped was a serious and thoughtful expression on my face, and then leaned forward. And said:

"I believe that the Holy Ghost is that thing that comes out of the Ark of the Covenant to melt the faces off of the Nazis in the first Indiana Jones movie."

So in a nutshell those are my spiritual views.

18 comments:

*uncorked said...

love it - i had a few of these conversations over the weekend. religion and politics do not go well with alcohol.

bluntdelivery said...

I just tell everyone I'm a scientlogist. Then they stop talking to me altogether.

jeanette said...

Seems about right. Religion is such a touchy subject, you might as well talk about Star Wars vs. Star Trek at that point haha.

Simon said...

I was hoping you were going to say that your response was to tell them that you were a Satanist, but I have to admit saying you’re a Scientologist is better.

Mxyzptlk said...

No No.. the Arc of the covenant contains the conch shell that entraps Haman... The holy ghost is what Ken and Ryu of street fighter fame shoot out when they scream ARUKEN!

Mr London Street said...

I always assumed that whatever's in the Ark of the Covenant ends up in that briefcase in Pulp Fiction. But now I'm all confused so I might be wrong.

mo.stoneskin said...

LOL @ MLS's comment.

I am a Christian, but I generally don't talk about it between 12:00 and 4:55 a.m...

I do remember being in a pub once. A bit earlier, 10pm maybe, group of us round the table. This elderly guy comes up and sits down. A couple of us had met him before, lonely widower but very funny. He is very intelligent, clearly was some sort of a) professor or b) avid reader of the classics. Anyway he gets angrier and angrier and starts ranting about religion.

"Why are you SO angry?" asks my mate.

"I'm not angry!" he says, slamming his fist down on the table and storming back to the bar.

Merrick said...

Your argument holds plenty of water in my book. The Bible is just an antiquated version of the Indiana Jones trilogy complete with whips, snakes, and a daring protagonist with a cool hat! Throw version of Short Round into the Bible and Jesus freaks everywhere would be suing Lucas for copyright infringement.

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

oh gosh, you're sooo right...alcohol and religion just don't mix and most especially at the wee hours of dawn. lols... awesome post. =)

The Caped Tirader said...

I'm pretty sure the Holy Ghost was a back up dancer for MC Hammer...It definitely wasn't 2Pac because he was a dancer for Digital Underground...Yea, The HG and MC Hammer, that fits.

Nickie. said...

I agree with you && LOLed. Religion is just such an awkard topic anyways. I tend to ignore people when they talk about their view, not because I'm a bitch, but because I don't know what I personally believe in. But boy its sure funny to look at my friend who looks like Jesus currently and hear him say he doesn't believe in him. Ok, maybe its not that funny. LOL.

Dani said...

I agree drinking and talking about religion not a good mix. I really hate it when drunk bastards try to push their religious beliefs on you. Especially when their argument is horrible and makes no logical sense. Somehow politics always seems to get brought into it too...bad news bears!

Too funny that you compares the HG to a Indy Jones movie...

Lola Lakely said...

@Simon- Is there a way that I can combine both satanism and scientology?

@Mxyzptlk- Are you seriously equating a Hadouken to the Holy Ghost? Because I'm on board if you are.

@mo.stoneskin- I love how something that is supposed to be comforting for the masses incites people to fist-slamming anger. Irrational Anger is my favorite.

@MLS- Considering that the HG has the power to melt faces, I think it would be safe to assume that it can transfer from the Ark to the briefcase in pulp fiction.

@CapedTirader - So like the Holy Hammer? I think the Holy Hammer would have some sweet ass dance moves.

Thanks for the comments all!

Simon said...

I believe Tom Cruise has managed to achieve that. Well, Scientology and demonic possession anyway.

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Now that is a spiritual view I can respect. However, if you do manage to combine Scientology and Satanism in a successful way without any reference to Tom Cruise whatsoever, I might be interested in signing on.

I'm also interested in understanding your method for differentiating between spewing of a religious nature and spewing of any other kind. Around 12:00am-4:55am, I generally find it difficult to tell the two apart.

Lola Lakely said...

@the girl - The two go hand in hand, really. Often right after the first, the other immediately follows.

Getting close to 30.... said...

I just found your blog and I’m glad I did! Hilarious! I would have loved to have seen the expression on his face after your “view on the HG”. Too funny. Very true that alcohol and religious discussions do not go together- at all!

Cabin-boy Dave said...

Heh, I just tell folk I think God is a giant paper-clip.

I love watching people's expressions as they form a mental picture of worshipping Clippit from the old versions of Microsoft Word.

Great post, Lola - you're going on my blogroll :)