Friday, July 3, 2009

Lola vs. Patron

Patron is evil.

Seriously, it turns people into raving lunatics. I don't know what about Patron Tequila that makes people go into retarded zombie mode but I think it's because the alcohol comes from the devil. And if you don't agree with this statement, then you have obviously not had the patron challenge. And therefore I throw down the gauntlet to you, my friend. Just try it.

A night without patron:

You get drunk at a bar, over tip the bartenders slightly, maybe sing along drunkenly to Bon Jovi (if you're in NJ). Then you go home and pass out.

A night with Patron:

After you buy a round of shots for the entire bar and loudly proclaiming that only REAL men drink patron, you end up on top of the bar, arm in arm with the bartenders (after hours of course) in a kick line singing New York, New York unintelligibly. Then you black-out and wake up on the floor in a random hotel room. And maybe with a tattoo.

My friend D- in Patron zombie mode- insisted he help me carry two drumsticks to my car. This simple act of kindness inspired him to also call and leave me a message about what a good helper he was. While I was standing two feet away from him.

If any of you have any really good patron stories, feel free to email them to me. I get a huge kick out of drunken idiot stories and would be happy to post the best one.

P.S. I implore you to watch out for Patron cafe. Because although the tequila is masked by the deceptively sweet coffee taste it still fits into the evil you-get-so-drunk-that-your-friends-can-convince-you-that-you're-playing-the-drums-while-they-sneakily-exit-you-out-of-Rockband-and-then condescendingly-tell-you-how-good-you're-doing-as-you-flail-the-drumsticks-around-unknowingly category.


Fidgeting Gidget said...

I imbibed Patron on my last insanely drunken night out. It was at my boss's 50th birthday party--I posted about it a couple weeks ago, and not only did I have a two day hangover, but apparently I told a co-worker he had a small penis because he was drinking white wine. I also got tons of mosquito bites all over my feet but the alcohol kept them at bay for two whole days, then they started itching like crazy. Patron tastes great, but I've sworn it off for life. I mean it. Really.

Ella Everywhere said...

It also makes C-List celebs like Heidi and Spencer get married in Mexico!

Sorry, thats the first thing I thought of when I read this post

I've never tried it, but I have to admit I'm a little curious

Sami said...

Mm, my favorite of the tequilas...

I have no bad patron stories, but I once drank -far- too many hurricanes and finally realized I was about to puke when I was trying to fit myself under the bed but couldn't, because my head wouldn't fit. Yikes!

*uncorked said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*uncorked said...

agreed. i lose to patron every time, but at least those nights lead to good stories and ones that don't simply end with "and then i went to bed."

jeanette said...

Ah Tequila. Memories haha.

hardlyhearshimself said...

My tequila stories aren't so much stories as they are daunting and fractured re-tellings of questionable and hazardous experiences.

For instance, last New Years. I don't actually know what happened, I just know that Tequila was involved. The next morning I woke up covered in glitter and dirt with bloodied splinters of wood stuck in my hands. All I could say to the friend who managed to get me home was "OH GOD DID WE LEAVE OR DID I GET KICKED OUT WHAT HAPPENED I'M SO SORRY"

I'm never drinking Tequila ever again.

Unless I'm actually IN Mexico. Then it would be okay. I mean really, who am I to break tradition? It would be rude not to.

Nickie. said...

I've never had Patron, but I believe it induces a zombie like state. Looks like you had fun tho. =)

imitsky said...

My college roomate and I enjoyed patron so much the first time we had it, that in celebration he decided to throw a glass in the general direction of my face. He and I then proceed to wrestle in the middle of the party, which then transformed into us acting out the end of good will hunting where robin williams and matt damon hug it out. We ended this by making some freshman girl clean up the shards of glass.

Gina said...

I havent drank Patron since the beginning of December. It was my last year of college, end of the fall semester, and I had been dating my bf for about 9 months at that point. He threw a party in his apartment, and invited all our friends. Upon drinking the Patron, I publicly insulted a girl he hooked up with eons ago, smacked him in the face, and then blacked out. I swore it off as soon as I was conscious. Worst hangover ever.

Lola Lakely said...

These stories are awesome guys! Thanks for sharing.