Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lola vs. Beach Life Lessons

I just got back from vacation and am now back at work--- insert a sigh filled with murderous rage here (I've been practicing my murderous rage inflection with a sigh because I've been stuck behind a desk all day, not on the beach, and have been forced to only sigh because otherwise I attract unwanted attention from the people who pass by my office)--- but I'm still reminiscing over my time away. Every year my family and I go down to the beach for a week of sun, shenanigans, and shellfish. We've been doing this for about twenty-five years and we've now spilled over from one shore house to four all together just so we can carry the entire Lakely tribe.

My family senses weakness in much the same way that dogs can smell fear. The gusto in which my siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins brandish an insult is really quite admirable. If you ever have the misfortune of making a mistake in front of them, you will no doubt hear about it for the next 37 years. This has given me a solid foundation in which to take multiple hits to the solar plexus and continuously get back up.

So my friends, I would like to share some life lessons I have learned from Lakely Beach-ation 2009:

  • I can perform a New Jersey Sweep twice without garnering the attention of the Police.
  • It doesn't get any better than a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band.
  • OCD + turrets = a little kid's meltdown. Side note: Kid meltdowns are always funny if you are not the parents.
  • My family can not resist a stage. It doesn't matter if there is no music playing. We will get up and sing. And by sing I mean repeat one phrase of the song over and over with no musical intonation whatsoever.
  • Iranians have a penchant for sitting awkwardly-creepy close to you on the beach.
  • If you accidentally burn yourself in the eye with cigarette ash, don't make a fuss. This will only incite people to call you Helen Keller for the rest of the week.
  • My uncle has an irrational hatred for the Siesta Motel 3. 1 & 2 are perfectly fine. But 3, oh 3, is plain unnatural.
  • No one messes with the person who has possession of the pink bucket (see below).
  • We are only family in line for the bumper cars. While riding the bumper cars, we are not family. In fact, it is perfectly okay to throw your entire body into the impact so that you hit the other person harder.
  • It is also okay to violate beach etiquette/rules as long as there are twenty people with you who are doing the same thing. However when it's not your family, it's just rude and annoying.

And the last (but perhaps most important) life lesson I have learned is this:

  • Don't wander off from the rest of the family. This only leads to you requesting to be taken back to your family after you mistakenly wander into a crack den.



Jeanette said...

Some of those sound great (most of them) some sound... umm? scary (crack den? No thanks) haha sounds like a blast... and I could definitely use a pink bucket right now! haha

Amy said...

The cigarette line is the funniest thing I've heard all day.

Anonymous said...

lesbian led zeplin cover band? is there anything better? oh wait, the pink bucket of course...of course.

tennysoneehemingway said...

sounds like a great holiday. what were the lesbian Led Zepplin cover band called? Hopefully not 'The Black Dogs,' coz that was just uncalled for.

Mr London Street said...

I loved this.

Was "Les Zeppelin's" album called 'Holes of the Housewives"?

Unknown said...

hilarious - i think our families would get along well. only in addition to being teased within the family, my little brother is a highly offensive, fun for the whole family if your family is sick, twisted and deranged, stand up comedian as well. so all gets aired out on stage. glad you had a nice vacation, i keep a picture of the beach on my desk and start at it for a good 3 hours a day. on a good day.

Laura said...

@Tennyson- Yeah so it wasn't so original. They were called Lez Zeppelin.
@uncorked-- Sick, twisted, and deranged? Are you sure he isn't a part of my family already?
@Mr London- Have you heard of them? Who could forget their infamous song Four Strap ons?
@B- I agree. Pink bucket trumps all. Did I mention it was filled with 5 different kinds of rum?
@Jeanette- Luckily, the person was escorted back to the family safely!
@Amy- Thanks!

Unknown said...

maybe we're distant cousins. wouldn't surprise me in the least after reading your blog.

Simon said...

All right. So I had to look up ‘Jersey Sweep’ in the Urban Dictionary. Other Google suggestions, such as ‘DC Optimist: Heading for the New Jersey Sweep’, ‘140 Suspects Held In Jersey Sweep - New York Times’ and ‘Wrestlers complete the Jersey sweep - Sports’ didn’t quite seem to fit.

Congratulations on achieving a sigh filled with murderous rage, by the way: not many people could pull that off.

Girl Interrupted said...

I hate learning life lessons ... which is why I intend never to holiday with my family ever again.

Yours were great though ;) Lovely blog!

mo.stoneskin said...

"It doesn't get any better than a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band"

I'm not sure how to respond to that. I believe you though.

I can't believe you are prepared to violate beach protocol.

John Smith said...

My family is pretty good with insults and especially horrid nicknames, which is probably why our section of the Smith line has been all but hunted to extinction.

I've noticed that about the middle eaterners, and it is so very creepy. Aside from not doing that I didn't even know there was beach etiquitte, though.

Laura said...

@Simon It makes my heart smile that you had to google something in my post.

@Girl Interrupted- Luckily my family life lessons are sick and therefore fun. Thanks for checking me out!

@mostoneskin- Yeah, i wasn't sure how to respond to Lez either. Then alcohol made the decision for me.

@mostoneskin and John Smith- There was a magazine article in one of the houses with 25 beach rules. One of them was "No smoochie smoochies, leave that for your hotel room!" And another favorite was "Not everyone can be a beach model, so please no pointing or any loud guffaws."

Anonymous said...

i stumbled over here from bluntdelivery and good lord i'm glad i did! *bookmarks

blunt delivery said...

Dearest Evil Twin Bitch,

You know how I hate Iranians.

Don't get me started. DON'T! Now, please bake me some cupcakes and I'll forgive you.


Your other half.

When Pigs Fly said...

Very funny post. Loved the last picture. I try to stay away from family vacations like the plague. Thanks for stopping by my crazy little blog.

Nickie. said...

Hahah sounds like you had a blast! =)
And going back to work always sucks, no matter what the circumstances.

JennyMac said...

Love that pink bucket...that is the source of all kinds of trouble. And the murderous rage made me crack up.

The Peach Tart said...

Can I drink from the pink bucket at the same time as listening and dancing to Lez Zepplin?

I love your blog and signed up as a follower. Thanks for stopping by my blog, commenting and signing up as a follower.

Michelle Schraudner said...

Ha ha I love the bumper cars thing. My family is the exact same way!