I just got back from vacation and am now back at work--- insert a sigh filled with murderous rage here (I've been practicing my murderous rage inflection with a sigh because I've been stuck behind a desk all day, not on the beach, and have been forced to only sigh because otherwise I attract unwanted attention from the people who pass by my office)--- but I'm still reminiscing over my time away. Every year my family and I go down to the beach for a week of sun, shenanigans, and shellfish. We've been doing this for about twenty-five years and we've now spilled over from one shore house to four all together just so we can carry the entire Lakely tribe.
My family senses weakness in much the same way that dogs can smell fear. The gusto in which my siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins brandish an insult is really quite admirable. If you ever have the misfortune of making a mistake in front of them, you will no doubt hear about it for the next 37 years. This has given me a solid foundation in which to take multiple hits to the solar plexus and continuously get back up.
So my friends, I would like to share some life lessons I have learned from Lakely Beach-ation 2009:
- I can perform a New Jersey Sweep twice without garnering the attention of the Police.
- It doesn't get any better than a lesbian Led Zeppelin cover band.
- OCD + turrets = a little kid's meltdown. Side note: Kid meltdowns are always funny if you are not the parents.
- My family can not resist a stage. It doesn't matter if there is no music playing. We will get up and sing. And by sing I mean repeat one phrase of the song over and over with no musical intonation whatsoever.
- Iranians have a penchant for sitting awkwardly-creepy close to you on the beach.
- If you accidentally burn yourself in the eye with cigarette ash, don't make a fuss. This will only incite people to call you Helen Keller for the rest of the week.
- My uncle has an irrational hatred for the Siesta Motel 3. 1 & 2 are perfectly fine. But 3, oh 3, is plain unnatural.
- No one messes with the person who has possession of the pink bucket (see below).
- We are only family in line for the bumper cars. While riding the bumper cars, we are not family. In fact, it is perfectly okay to throw your entire body into the impact so that you hit the other person harder.
- It is also okay to violate beach etiquette/rules as long as there are twenty people with you who are doing the same thing. However when it's not your family, it's just rude and annoying.
And the last (but perhaps most important) life lesson I have learned is this:
- Don't wander off from the rest of the family. This only leads to you requesting to be taken back to your family after you mistakenly wander into a crack den.