Thursday, June 11, 2009

Lola vs. Unnecessarily Nude

I go to the gym about five times a week so I have spent some serious quality time in the locker room and I have noticed a common theme. A whole heap of unnecessary nudity almost in the vain of classic 80's movies such as Stripes and Porky's. But not attractive, youthful, or slim.

Now, I'm not a prude (Kane, I look forward to hearing your variations of "not a prude" if not in this venue then in others). But there is a difference between being naked and hanging out naked for the sole purpose of causing unease in those around you.

The main offender of this phenomena was a woman in her late sixties, slightly obese, and morally opposed to shaving under her arms. I rushed in, late for class as per usual, and was shoving my bag in a locker when she, nakedly in her nakedness, brushed slowly by me. And wedged herself firmly in between me and the locker.

Did I mention there was a HUGE space BEHIND me that she could have taken advantage of?!

Instead of quickly passing by, she stood for a good thirty -utterly humiliating, completely awkward- seconds. Then she stared unabashedly into my face and said, "Oh were you using, this one?" She pointed, her under arm hair bursting forward like a thousand tiny coiled springs.

I was speechless. Was this seriously happening? Not really knowing what to do, I looked around wildly and I hoped against hope for an exit. I saw a bathroom stall open and I grasped the opportunity like it was my last lifeline on this earth. I flew into the bathroom, gym clothes in hand, and waited a few minutes after I changed, praying furiously that she had disappeared.

I had no such luck. When I extracted myself from the bathroom stall, she was sitting on the bench right near my locker, staring out into space. I desperately wished that she was in the midst of some sort of psychotic episode and therefore had forgotten all about me but those wishes were dashed as I reached my locker. Without taking her eyes off of the fascinating blank space in the air, she asked me,"What class are you taking? I heard that the Kickboxing class they have here is good."

And then she got up and began to stretch. Naked.

I mumbled something that even to my ears sounded incoherent and bolted out of the locker room. The fear must have been evident in my features because one of the trainers even asked me what was wrong after class was over.

Who in their right mind would want to have a naked conversation while staring creepily into space and then go into stretching exercises? And why in god's name can't they do this at home?

Because of the unnecessary nudity, I have decided the following:

Sleeping Naked In Your Own Bed= Delicious
Doing Lunges Naked In a Locker Room= Disturbing

Cooking Naked In Your Own Kitchen= Fantastic
Popping a Zit Naked In a Locker Room= Frightening

If anyone has anything they would like to add to the above list, please let me know.

8 comments:

The Caped Tirader said...

Unfortunately, the 1st rule in the unwritten rulebook of the locker room is: The older you are, the more naked you have to be.

Merrick said...

Naked Jell-o wrestling = Glorious
Naked toenail clipping = Grotesque

The Caped Tirader said...

Skinny Dipping = good times
Skinny Dipping in the public pool = arrested

Naked Sex = awesome
Half Naked Sex = equally awesome....wait, I think I forgot the point of this exercise...

for the love of pictures said...

I found your blog on 20SB. This is hilarious :) If I had been in your shoes, I'm not sure when my screaming would have ended :)

Sami said...

Hey!~ :) Followed you back from the comment you left on Herding Cats!

And oh maaaaan naked ladies in locker rooms... the gym I used to go to was mostly populated by 50-60 year old naked Asian ladies who's sole purpose was to hang out in the strange little whirlpool in the same room as the showers and yak in their native tongue. Loudly and nakedly. Arrrgggggghhh.

Nick (CFKS) said...

This was entertaining and disturbing.

Dani said...

I find that is always the fat old ladies who walk around the locker room with their sagging boobs all over the place. It is highly disturbing.

Durante said...

I laughed so hard at this post, I have totally been there... it's not any better in the guys locker room... I didn't see a sign but I'm sure there is one that says "the less you should be naked, the more likely you are."

I once asked my wife what it was like in there, hoping it was totally hot and fantastic... from what I understand it's as nightmarish as the guys locker room. The worst really is when someone thinks you want to talk to them like that.