Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Lola vs. Euphemism-tastic Days

Lola’s Simple Dating Rule # 3: Never date a guy who hits on you with a dirty euphemism.

I was getting ready for the BBQ Beer Bash and had to make several hardware store (yay for propane) /Home Depot (yay for beer pong table and grilling essentials) runs last week. This experience has taught me that the wink, wink- nudge, nudge dirty euphemism has not gone out of style.

Or maybe there's just something about a girl who is picking up hardware. Arghhh, now they've got me doing it. Thanks to the incidences below, everything I do now sounds sexually explicit.

Euphemism # 1: Home Depot. Lola walks in, has a brief argument with management over the fact her grill was mysteriously not delivered. Management ensures delivery and she goes about her merry way, stopping briefly to load her cart up with folding chairs and a beer pong table.

Sales Guy #1 (eyeing Lola as she pays) Looks like you’re gonna have a lot of people over.
Lola: (excitedly) Oh yeah, keg barrels are next on my list.
Sales Guy#1: Man, I’d love to party with you.
Lola: (wearily now) Oh, um... thanks?
Sales Guy # 1: Can I help you with all of that?
Lola: (as she wheels the big cart out of the store) I think I can get it.
Sales Guy #1: Aw, I don’t want to see you carrying something that big without my help. (with a that’s-what-she-said smile)

Euphemism #2: Parking lot of HD. Sales Guy #1 exits. Enter Red Jeep Guy. He eyes Lola as she is trying to get the last keg tub in her beat-up Honda.

Red Jeep Guy: (drawls) Need any help with that?
Lola: I think I got it.
Red Jeep Guy: (grinning lasciviously) You sure? It seems like you’re shoving too hard. You need to use finesse with things like this.
Lola: (her friendly smile waning) Yeah, I’ll be fine.
Red Jeep Guy: What are those for anyway?
Lola: They’re for holding kegs.
Red Jeep Guy: (peering in the window of her car) And you have two? Man I’d like to party with you.
Lola: (suspiciously) Are you friends with Al, Sales Guy #1?
Red Jeep Guy: (with a blank look) Who?
Lola: Never mind, I’ve gotta go.
Red Jeep Guy: (as Lola is getting in her car) No seriously, where’s the party?

Euphemism #3: Hardware store. Lola carries her propane tank into the store, plops it next to the counter and asks the two guys behind it for some help.

Hardware Store Guy #1: Is that all you need?
Lola: I’ll take some tiki torches as well. But then that’s it.
Hardware Store Guy #1: Ok, why don’t you go around back and I’ll help you with the propane?
Lola: (smiling) Thanks, that would be great.
Hardware Store Guy: (winking at her) I’d be happy to fill your tank, Miss (looking down at the credit card she has just handed him) Lola.
Hardware Store Guy #2: (snickering behind them)

After all three experiences (which occurred in the exact same day during my lunch hour), I was disheartened. What happened to sweetness and witty repartee as a come-on? What was it about me that screamed that I would respond to this? Then as I got out of the car to make the miserable walk back into work, I looked down and realized- with complete embarrassment- what was shouting inane innuendo. During the shuffling of tables, chairs, and propane tanks; the first two buttons of my blouse had come unbuttoned and the lacy black bra I was wearing served as an outrageously blatant invitation for all of those dirty euphemisms.

Apparently, the invitation was so effective that the next day I got a call from Sales Guy #1. He lead the conversation with this: “Lola, this is Al- the guy who helped you carry your chairs to the car. I was just calling you to make sure that your grill was installed to your satisfaction.”

I didn’t order my grill from him, so he must have looked up my information in the computer and went out of his way to call me. After several inquiries to see if there was anything else he could do for me, I extracted myself wearily from the conversation. Flattering? Yes. Creepy? I’m going with a solid hell yes!

Is this yet another example of me shoving someone off the precipice of the crazy abyss? Or is this just an example of HD’s incredibly thorough customer service? Cause, I'm really hoping it's the latter.


Anonymous said...

OMG! Hilarious! And I totally agree with you, chivalry and sincere sweetness in guys are a rarity. If only guys knew that we women would respond to that much more than ridiculous come-ons? Then again, you WERE sporting your lacy black bra... :P

Anonymous said...

Note to self, never wear a button down shirt to HD that may inadvertently pop open revealing sexy lingerie and causing mentioned euphemisms in Lola's blog to be spewed from HD associates at will!! 2nd note and warning to self, associates commence with ass which can indicate crap may come from out of them! Thanks for the warning Lola! your friend Lana :-P

Gary said...

Hello Lola!

This blog rocks! (Please delete this)

The Caped Tirader said...

Damn, Lola...You definitely seem to attract the creepys.

Lola Lakely said...

Can I claim the whole "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way thing?"

Merrick said...

Whenever I go into a clothing store and am asked by a female employee if I need any help I always reply, "is it okay if I just browse through your trousers?" and let that hang there for a second or two.

Also, nice boobs.