I've gotten a lot of questions/emails in the past few days about how I handled the desperate delusional older man (DDOM) situation so I thought I would address it here. In fact, this leads to another Lola Dating Rule so:
Lola's Simple Dating Rule #5: If you call up a friend and pretend that he is your fake boyfriend, please let him know his role beforehand. Otherwise, he'll end up being clueless and annoyed. Like my friend Kane was last Friday.
Let me give you a little background on my relationship with my friend Kane. We curse like dirty sailors in front of each other, rip on each other mercilessly, and often go into great detail on topics that would most likely disgust the normal human being. And our phone messages generally consist of requests like: "Hey Lola, in between being a bitch and being a bitch, could you take the time to call me back?"
Since I was meeting Kane at a party after the work dinner, I thought he would be the perfect fake boyfriend to call. So after the DDOM (desperate delusional older man) kissed me on the shoulder, I jerked said shoulder and informed him pointedly that I had a boyfriend. Then I called up Kane. This is how our conversation went:
Lola: (sweetly) Heeeey babe.
Kane: (after a somewhat awkward what-the-hell-is-she-on-pause) Um... Lola?
Lola: (even sweeter now) I was just checking on the time for our party tonight.
Kane: Um... what? Didn't we talk about this earlier?
Lola: (laying it on real thick) Are you gonna come and pick me up?
Kane: (annoyed now) You didn't tell me you needed a ride. (sigh) Well, I'm leaving in about ten minutes so you better get over here now then.
Lola: (with a little giggle) Oh babe, I probably won't be able to leave until around 8.
Kane: (completely aggravated now) Well, I'm not waiting for you. I'll just see you there.
Lola: Why don't we meet there then?
Kane: Isn't that what I just said?
Lola: (intimately) Do you need anything from my house?
Kane: (another WTF? pause) Um...what? Why the hell would I need anything from your house?
Lola: I'll see you there, babe.
Kane: (a combination of being utterly annoyed and baffled) Lola, are you drunk?
Apparently even my fake boyfriend did not appease the DDOM because right after I got off the phone he immediately asked me, "If you have a boyfriend, why are you out with me on a Friday night?"
"Because this is a business dinner you gross, idiotic fuckwit."
Except I left out the whole fuckwit thing. And I still had to suffer uncomfortably in silence, with a shaky smile plastered on my face, while he continued to make inappropriate comments. The only thing that got me through the dinner was the fact that his company is a huge factor in my bonus this year.
Corporate America sucks!