Thursday, June 25, 2009

Lola vs Awkward Dinners Part Deux

I've gotten a lot of questions/emails in the past few days about how I handled the desperate delusional older man (DDOM) situation so I thought I would address it here. In fact, this leads to another Lola Dating Rule so:

Lola's Simple Dating Rule #5: If you call up a friend and pretend that he is your fake boyfriend, please let him know his role beforehand. Otherwise, he'll end up being clueless and annoyed. Like my friend Kane was last Friday.

Let me give you a little background on my relationship with my friend Kane. We curse like dirty sailors in front of each other, rip on each other mercilessly, and often go into great detail on topics that would most likely disgust the normal human being. And our phone messages generally consist of requests like: "Hey Lola, in between being a bitch and being a bitch, could you take the time to call me back?"

Since I was meeting Kane at a party after the work dinner, I thought he would be the perfect fake boyfriend to call. So after the DDOM (desperate delusional older man) kissed me on the shoulder, I jerked said shoulder and informed him pointedly that I had a boyfriend. Then I called up Kane. This is how our conversation went:

Lola: (sweetly) Heeeey babe.
Kane: (after a somewhat awkward what-the-hell-is-she-on-pause) Um... Lola?
Lola: (even sweeter now) I was just checking on the time for our party tonight.
Kane: Um... what? Didn't we talk about this earlier?
Lola: (laying it on real thick) Are you gonna come and pick me up?
Kane: (annoyed now) You didn't tell me you needed a ride. (sigh) Well, I'm leaving in about ten minutes so you better get over here now then.
Lola: (with a little giggle) Oh babe, I probably won't be able to leave until around 8.
Kane: (completely aggravated now) Well, I'm not waiting for you. I'll just see you there.
Lola: Why don't we meet there then?
Kane: Isn't that what I just said?
Lola: (intimately) Do you need anything from my house?
Kane: (another WTF? pause) Um...what? Why the hell would I need anything from your house?
Lola: I'll see you there, babe.
Kane: (a combination of being utterly annoyed and baffled) Lola, are you drunk?

Apparently even my fake boyfriend did not appease the DDOM because right after I got off the phone he immediately asked me, "If you have a boyfriend, why are you out with me on a Friday night?"

"Because this is a business dinner you gross, idiotic fuckwit."

Except I left out the whole fuckwit thing. And I still had to suffer uncomfortably in silence, with a shaky smile plastered on my face, while he continued to make inappropriate comments. The only thing that got me through the dinner was the fact that his company is a huge factor in my bonus this year.

Corporate America sucks!


Jeanette said...

Oh dear. I had this creepy guy trying to kiss me in Paris last year and I was trying to tell him I had a boyfriend (even though I didn't) he was just not catching on haha

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I agree. I hate working in it sometimes. I hate factories, too. There are dirty men that work there that try to make googly eyes at you, and when I wore my hair curly once, a middle aged guy came up and said to me in the grossest voice ever, "I REALLY REALLY like it when you wear your hair like that, Gidget. It really makes you look hot." Eww.

LadyLindsay said...

I love using male friends as fake boyfriends...but yes, probably a good idea to let them know beforehand :) I like the one sided conversation with the fake boyfriend- I may have to try that next time I'm in a pinch!

Steve said...

That conversation is major win. And believe me, anyone I consider a good friend I make sure to insult viciously on a regular basis.

Ella Everywhere said...

hey Lola! Thanks so much for your comment on my blog! I've just read this post so far but I love your blog as well!

That sounds like SUCH an awkward conversation haha but i have to admit it made me laugh, and yes better to inform the fake-bf ahead of time :)

bluntdelivery said...

hahaha. oh lola. i think we are kindred souls. or evil twin bitches. or something along those lines.

i have, indeed, been in this situation before. and please, get out of corporate america FAST. it sucks balls

Nickie. said...

Hey! I'm new to your blog && I must say, I absolutely love it! =)

Unknown said...

i always wonder if they know we have fake boyfriends. i've had quite a few.

Caity said...

Haha that is funny. It would have been better if you could have actually seen his baffled face, I bet! I love your blog! I stopped by from 20SB.