Sunday, May 24, 2009

Lola vs. The Spider Incident of 2009

As most of you are aware, I'm not the most girliest of girls. (if you're not aware then I refer you to my first post about my teenage boy like tastes) But there are still two things about me that make me a girl. The second I joyously came upon quite recently.
  1. I actually look like one. (Hooray boobs!)
  2. I dissolve into a puddle of incoherent goo when faced with a giant insect, staring me down at 2:33 am.
I now know that the insects in/around my house are conspiring against me. The cricket attack of 2008 had already left me raw and unnerved. But the ginormous hairy black spider incident of 09 was much more insidious. Well versed in the field of mind game tactics, it made the cricket's attempt at head-butting me in my bathroom look like child's play.

A few nights ago during a bout of insomnia, I stumbled out of my room; annoyed, hungry, and bleary-eyed. In the midst of making myself a protein shake, I slowly turned around and my eyes found it. I froze. The monstrosity was fist-sized with a wet, black sheen and as I looked at him; his fangs, I swear, protracted.

I emitted a slow, breathy "Oh my god." At least in my head it sounded slow and breathy. In reality, it was more in the range of a horrified, piercing shriek.

Revulsion shivered across my skin and I panicked. It salivated in between the tops of my cabinets and the ceiling and I couldn't reach it. I blindly searched for a weapon. I grabbed a paper towel roll but I knew, I knew, that if I swatted at it, it would come flying at me. I couldn't see the underbelly of this beast but in my sleep deprived I-have-to-get-up-in-four-hours-to-make-an-early-
mind I imagined that it had a red hour glass on it. So after I was bitten, I would surely lapse into a black-widow coma and expire.

Suddenly, inspiration struck. I would suck it up with my vacuum cleaner! I inwardly rejoiced. Without taking my eyes off of the thing, I inched towards the other side of the room, my arms braced against the sides of the counter top like I was on the ledge of a skyscraper. I turned, opened the door to the broom closet, and grabbed the vacuum. I whirled around-vacuum in hand- and brandished it like a sword.

The spider was gone.

Oh. My. God. I streaked pass the cabinet, jumping up to see if I could see the monster and vaulted into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. My eyes drifted to the small space in between my door and the carpet. In my mania, I actually leaped off the bed, procured a dirty towel from my laundry basket, and shoved it violently under the crack. The enemy now had me cornered in my room with my pillow tucked underneath my chin and my knees hugged tightly against my chest.

I had been reduced to a simpering, witless moron. By a spider.

It occurs to me now that if it had been a black widow spider (and it was not- wiki just told me so) paranoid girls everywhere would have celebrated my demise. I mean, seriously, how appropriate! Lola done in by her own nefarious M.O.


Michele said...

I freak out if I see any type of bug myself. I feel your pain.

PS - Don't EVER suck it up in your vacuume! I saw on TV once before that someone did it and the insect was pregnant and gave birth inside the vacuume. Ew! Gross! An infestation! Don't do it.

The Caped Tirader said...

hahah... aren't we all born inside a vacuum?

Merrick said...

I bet if you had a Dyson that shiz wouldn't live long enough to reproduce. Those things will slice and dice any arachnid in town.

Tint said...

See now if you had children you could have offered one of them up as a sacrifice.... Just kidding! It would really depend on how annoying they had been during the day.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I hate spiders as well! The worst is when you get in the shower really early in the morning, pull back the shower curtain, and a huge one scurries over your bare feet. Ugh.

I like your blog, found you through 20SB!

liezl said...

Your reaction wasn't so bad when compared to an article I read where this guy who wanted to get rid of a spider web and spider inhabitants used his flamethrower (dont' ask me how he had one on hand) to burn the sucker down, unfortunately he also happened to burn down HIS HOUSE! True story.

BTW, ask Sheryl to tell you about her trainer friend's spider story regarding her car, a gas station, and an innocent bystander.