Thursday, May 28, 2009

Lola vs. SBS

Am I the only one here who turns a little green when their friends get fired due to the crashing economy but somehow manage to get, like, ridiculously sweet severance packages out of it? I mean, seriously, at this point I would completely revel in doing nothing for about six months. Think of all the video games I could actually finish. And the writing I could get done!

So, in order to combat my emerging jealousy, I like to think of inventive ways to get "let go".

Unfortunately I respect (ugh, it's so annoying to like people sometimes) my colleagues so not doing work is out of the question since they will likely bear the brunt of my screwing off. Coming in late isn't really too inventive since most likely my nagging sense of responsibility will rear its ugly head and then I would have to work late to compensate.

Developing tourettes might be interesting. I think for the first day shouting out random strings of curses when someone walks by my office would be really fun. But then it would get pretty exhausting to keep up repetitive involuntary movements for an extended period of time. I could House it up and develop a rare auto-immune disease like sarcoidosis. I chose sarcoidosis because it is very fun to say. Each day I could present a new symptoms and watch my colleagues (with witty repartee and undisguised suspicion over the fact that ALL patients lie) try and diagnose me by using what they have learned from Web MD.

I could go the sexual harassment route but I'm kind of a walking human resource violation to begin with. And since I haven't gotten any slaps on the wrists due to it yet, I guess that's ruled out.

But I think I have found a solution. Sick Building Syndrome (SBS)! I know, it's awesome. Apparently SBS can be linked to time spent in a building, but no specific illness or cause can be identified. All you have to do is prove that the environment in the building is worse than outside the building. Symptoms include headaches; eye, nose, and throat irritation; a dry cough; dry or itchy skin; dizziness and nausea; difficulty in concentrating; fatigue; and sensitivity to odors.

I bet I could get people in on this plan. We could all revolt. One day, one of us could faint. The next day one of us could vomit all over the photocopier. A chorus of, "What is that smell?!! Oh god the humanity!!" would occur at least once every day. And as long as we feel relief once we exit the building, we are home free.

And the best part about SBS is that people have actually sued over it and won!

Now that "going green" is being marketed at every government level, it would be the perfect time to start claiming that you are suffering from SBS. Who's with me?


Merrick said...

99% of House episodes have the team suggesting sarcoidosis and it's NEVER sarcoidosis. Me thinks the writers/actors on that show are as fond of the word as you are. It is kinda fun to say. Also, vomit on the copier is going to net you hours of down-time while they hose it clean. No need to invent a new disease for that, just go for it!

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I gave you an award at my blog today! Come check it out if you're into that sort of thing. :)