Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Lola vs. Pandemic Paranoia

So it's been awhile. I'd apologize for it but I was swabbed for the swine flu last week and was unable to make it near any sort of computer due to my insufferable-102-degree-fever-complete-with-night-terrors (or is that sweats?)-and-whooping-cough affliction. Yup, you read it right. I was swabbed for the paranoia-packed pig pandemic (ahhh... alliteration, my old friend, it's been far too long!) that has been causing mass hysteria among both local and national news channels. Yay me!

My plague lasted a total of 8 days. During this time I couldn't read, play video games (death sentence), or use a computer. The only activity I participated in was watching four complete seasons of the West Wing on DVD. I learned something incredibly important about the art of DVD television show watching. Never use the dreaded PLAY ALL feature when you are sick. This only ends up with you falling asleep during one of the shows only to wake up later to find out one of your favorite characters has died. Or is in jail for leaking national security secrets.

In between episodes of the West Wing, I was allowed only minimal human interaction. In fact the only human contact I was able to wring out of my friends and relatives were several trips to my front porch. These trips consisted of them flinging provisions- in most cases fluids and Dole™ strawberry ice pops- onto the steps and then fleeing in abject terror.

My brother was particularly inventive. He tossed the West Wing season 6 onto the porch and then screamed," SWINE FLU!" at the top of his lungs while my neighbors looked on apprehensively. One small, rotund Chinese man actually leaped across the street after my brother's proclamation, dragging his little schnauzer behind him. The only reason why I did not stumble across the street and follow him around the corner with my arms outstretched while emitting a zombie-like wail, was because I only had enough energy left to pick up the DVD and get back on my couch. I actually had a moment of profound sadness when I realized I could not scare the beejeezus out of my neighbor. Does that make me a bad person?

Besides giving me a disturbing need to frighten people, this experience has taught me the value of friendship. For example, my friend Kane promised to be the one to take a shotgun to my zombie face if the Zombie Infection were to, in fact, take over my body. Like some bizarro undead version of Ol' Yeller.

My heart is still all aflutter with your solemn declaration of devotion, Kane.

1 comment:

Michele said...

You're the only person I know who can make being sick hilariously funny! Glad you're feeling better!